March 26, 2010: Katherine Heigl
March 24, 2010: Cheryl Cole
March 12, 2010: Olivia Munn
Would you believe this woman works FOR G4? What's that? You don't know what G4 is? Well does this spark your memory?
March 5, 2010: Jessie Biel ready for round two
She's so hot that we had to do her twice (I wish) and also because of some new developments.... STRIPPER POLE. We apologize for the past two weeks, but we will switch up we are doing to only having sperms on Monday Wednesday and Friday.
February 22, 2010: Elle Liberachi
Soooo, by the looks of this pic, she appears to be pro duck feathers. So, maybe she likes to get goosed? YES. I'd like to compliment her on her ability to show so much but still be G rated. Kind of.
February 20, 2010: Candice Swanepoel
February 19, 2010: Heidi Montag
February 18, 2010: Christina (OMG) Hendricks
February 17, 2010: Tricia Helfer
Tricia is looking quite relaxed and, judging by her surroundings, is probably near a beach. In less than a month I'll be at a beach. In Cabo. Thanks to Tricia, I'll probably be disappointed if the hot chicks there aren't tanning in nothing but their high heels. Awesome.
February 15, 2010: Sasha Grey
February 11, 2010: Rashida Jones
February 10, 2010: Kristin Cavallari
I don't remember much from the original "Laguna Beach," except that Kristin is hotter than the chick who got her own spinoff and subsequently gave fame to the abomination known as Heidi Montag. She's also rumored to be dating the Conquistador. See, Pete? He was more than ready for this.
February 8, 2010: Brooklyn Decker
February 7, 2010: We skipped yesterday sooooo....CARIE UNDERWOOD.
She was goddamn sexy during the superbowl so we'll give you some live action sperm to patch up our mistake.
She was so stunning that she actually got Caldwell to blink. That's hot. The only other thing that would make Caldwell blink is a pick six from Peyton to seal the Superbowl loss. Hell of a work out for Caldwell's eye lashes yesterday.
February 6, 2010: Christy Cooley:
February 5, 2010: Kristen Dunst:
Remember when Spider man was the shit? Yeah, neither do I, but Kristen Dunst is still the shit. I could spider man her any day. I could also do herm sperm everyday, but you know what, I WAS SICK. CAN'T GET A BONER WHEN SICK. DOCTORS AGREE. BONERS BAD WHEN SICK.February 2, 2010: Nicole Scherzinger:
February 1, 2010: Anna Kournikova:
Remember when she was Maria Sharapova before Maria Sharapova? God, she was so sexy, and the best part, she was talentless. I don't think she came close to a Major final, more or less a win, but she could sure as hell cum close to me. I wonder what she's doing right now? Maybe washed up enough to date a 20 year old blogger? MAYBE? Hopefully.
January 31, 2010: Anne Hathaway:
January 30, 2010: Diora Baird:
I don't know how I happened upon Ms. Baird, but I did, and I'm damn happy about it. You probably are too. I didn't take any time to look into what she's famous for (other than the obvious looks) but if for some reason she's unemployed, there's an opening in my pants. It's the zipper. Boom.January 29, 2010: Olga Kurylenko
January 28, 2010: Amanda Bynes
January 27, 2010: Eliza Dushku
January 26, 2010: Liv Tyler
Steven Tyler did drugs. A lot of drugs. If consuming deadly amounts of narcotics means that you will produce a daughter like Liv Tyler, than I am officially the world's biggest opponent of the DEA.
January 23, 2010: Ashley Greene -
January 22, 2010: Padma Lakshmi
January 21, 2010: Amanda Seyfried -
January 20, 2010: Elisabeth Hasselbeck -
January 18, 2010: Adrianne Palicki
OH YEAH IT'S BACK. YOUR SPERM BONER. How's it feel. Does it warm your soul like it does mine? It should. To bring you back like the school semester, Miss Adrianne Palicki. You probably don't recognize her, but she does shitty movies (Legion), but makes up for it with naughty photos (NSFW). I'm glad to be back, and if anyone has a hankering for looking at hot chicks and then posting those hot chicks on another website, then we need you. Herm needs a Sperm Editor, and it would be great for someone to help us out. Please? I want to jack it too.
December 22, 2009: Mandy Moore
December 19, 2009: CJ Gibson
I don't know what you do, but you I'm sure you do it well. And to think, Wilt heard your name and assumed you were a dude. Hah.
December 18, 2009: Rachel Bilson
Continuing our trend of washed-up "OC" stars, I bring you Miss Bilson. Wilt is not a fan of hers, claiming that her face is unbecoming. While I somewhat agree, I can't believe that Wilt has never heard of the brown bag method before. Regardless, she has a super hot body and fucks the jewish, nerdy character on the aforementioned show, so she'll always be a goddess in my book.
December 15, 2009: Mischa Barton
Oh Mischa. Where have you gone? No one knows, and no one cares, but we do. We care Mischa. I care. Bubb cares. Danny cares. Even Cannan and 908 care. We care about your love for stoner bracelettes, and your beach highlighted LA hair. We care. I care the most though, so email me and I can care you all night.
By the way, everyone, we really suck at this. I'm sorry. We gave up the past 2 weeks just like Mischa has given up on her acting career, but we plan to come back, unlike Ms. Barton here. Just hold on a few more days.
December 11, 2009: Kendra Wilkinson
Here's the thing. They are fake. Here's the other thing. I don't give a fuck. She just gave birth to a baby boy who will now go on to become the most athletic, sexiest, and weirdest laughing person in the world. Or just Ron Artest. What's that? Artest isn't sexy? Evidently we aren't talking about the same Artest.
December 4, 2009: Kate Beckinsale:
She's in some gay ass movie that comes out today, but her ass sure ain't gay. In fact, that sir, is the opposite of gay. That gay ass movie is called "Everybody's Fine." I disagree with that title. Only Kate is FINE. Fuck your titles Hollywood.December 3, 2009: Blake Lively:
Gossip Girl has contributed to the Perm more than it knows. So much pleasure, and yet none of us have seen an episode. I would stick it in her hole like Blake Griffin. Hell, she's in position already.
December 2, 2009: Leighton Meester
She's kinda hot. This photo isn't really though. This was all just a big conspiracy by Bubb to have the Gossip Girls (Bubb's fav show) on this entire week. Although I don't condone watching something on
UPN the CW, I do condone jacking it to talentless actresses with fine asses and Neil Rack-ers. Don't know the appeal of high heels while sexing either. Must be a black thing. Mello can you let me know this information?
December 1, 2009: Vera Farmiga
Thirty-six? Schmirty-six. Vera is not just fit, but very DTF. If you don't know that acronym, go watch "Superbad." She pretty much gets naked and bones a dude in every movie that she's ever done, but you probably best remember her in a lacy black thong, getting ravaged by Leo DiCaprio in "The Departed." If that's not ringing any bells, here's a friendly reminder:
Thanksgiving: Hayden Panettiere:
Shh! Don't tell her that's not the right way to use a hoola hoop! For all I care, that hoop could be dangling off Hayden's toe, as long as she's scantily clad and eye fucking the hell out of the camera. And because it's a holiday, we give you bonus boner material. Be thankful, you fucking ingrates.
November 25, 2009: Evan Rachel Wood
Having dated Marilyn Manson, you know this chick is freaky. I'm talking whips, ball gags, leather masks, AK-47s, and Sloth from "The Goonies." Sounds a lot like my typical Wednesday night.
November 24, 2009: Sarah Michelle Gellar
She makes Edward Cullen look like a bitch for going after Kristen Steward. Fuck yes Buffy. I'd stab some wood through you too, baby
November 23: 2009: Gisele Bundchen
I would love the be that horse's back right now. It's also pretty hot that Gisele is a hair-puller. Makes me wonder why she's with Tom Brady and not Troy Polamalu.
November 22, 2009: Alison Brie
Bubb and I have been searching the internet for something acceptably sexy from her. Every single episode of Community is such a tease in her knee length skirt and sweater. The fact that she is a classy woman makes me want to get dirty with her even more. So, for Sunday, because we respect god kind of, just a hot girl showing some side boob. Now let me finish typing with my leffft hand real quiiiiiiCK!
November 21, 2009: Halle Berry
AWWWW YEAH...That's right. Two Halle Berry pics. Enjoy, because you won't get it that often. In fact, it's kinda like sex with Ms. Berry. Only once in a lifetime. She could give me an upper cut? Whatever, you know what I mean.
November 20, 2009: Fucking forgot again, soooo....CHARLIZE THERON
She could direct my life. By the way she handles that director's chair, I think she could handle something else. My finances. Oh you thought...well that too.
November 18, 2009: Carmen Electra
Rumors are circulating that Carmen Electra might have a new sex tape. Because we skipped another day, here's the possible video introduction:
Considering it's on YouTube, I'd guess it's more likely a viral marketing ploy for a useless product that otherwise wouldn't get shelf time at Wal-Mart. Introducing the Shamwow 2.0: buy one if you like Carmen's bazongas in lingerie.November 16, 2009: Victoria Beckham
Just like past days in which we've skipped a Herm Sperm, we compensate you with slightly more nudity. We're sorry and you're welcome. This is also in recognition of her hubby's soccer/football team making the MLS playoffs or championship or something. Don't stay tuned for more information, because you won't find it here.
November 14, 2009: Selma Hayek
November 13, 2009: Eva Longoria
If Eva had the sluttiness of her character on Desperate Houswives, I might have a shot at her. Hurry, I need to get a job as a pool boy for her. Then I can wisper my french nothings into her ear. I know how she like it.November 12, 2009: Rihanna
I don't speak German, but I'd guess that "ich man groben han" either means "I like holding hands" or "I fuck like a rockstar." Can you weigh in on this Mr. Brown?
November 11, 2009: Taylor Swift
After some deliberation, I've concluded that Taylor Swift is attractive. Very attractive, actually. I jerked off to SNL last Saturday. So sue me. That's right, you can't. She's 19 and legal. BOOM GOES MY DYNAMITE.
November 10, 2009: Chrisina Milian
Somehow Nick Cannon passed on this.......... Yeah, for Mariah Carey. That is really unacceptable. That is like choosing Keenan over Kel, or working for "America's Got Talent" instead of MTV programming.
November 9, 2009: Kate Hudson
It's pretty windy at the top of the mountain of popularity. I couldn't name a movie she's done in the last six years, but she's dating A-Rod. I'm sure I could contribute more man parts, you know because of the whole A-Roid thing. He also has a weak hip. Hell, I'm starting to think that this relationship might be a (gulp) PR move.
November 8, 2009: Anna Faris
Chicks with a sense of humor are hot. Chicks with a sense of humor, a bangin' body and a wardrobe full of skimpy clothing are even hotter. Anna Faris' hotness can only be measured in temperatures upward of 1500 degrees on the Kelvin scale.
November 7, 2009: Diane Kruger
November 6, 2009: Nadine Velazquez
Hey, looks who's on the League. Yes, her doing Yoga is just as hot as the core of the Earth. By the rules of Karma, she is due for a step down. I propose me, or Bubb. Either way, we will be unloading out load within one minute. HIGH FIVE!
November 5, 2009: Keira Knightly
My favorite Kiera Knightly movie, by far, isn't "Beckham," or any of the three "Pirates" movies. It's "Domino." You know, the one where she trips balls on acid, gets topless and fucks some dirty bounty hunter? Her "Atonement" scene ain't got shit on it. And yes, I dream of it too.
November 4, 2009: Michelle Obama.
Forever known as "the girl next door," this bombshell is also, understandably, the target for terrorist kidnappings. I don't support terrorism, but who could blame a group of people wanting to capture this woman to harness her sexual exuberance?
November 3, 2009: Leslie Bibb:
Staring in The League make this princess that much more beautiful, inside and out. She's definetly not doing it for the check, but because it has been a life dream of her's to be a star in a Fantasy Football league TV show. It's a Fantasy of every guy's mess up her hair some more.
November 2, 2009: Mila Kunis
We have done a pretty good job of not giving your spank bank currency over the time of Herm Sperm, but we at least offer some. This here is some prime ass bailout Sperm, so fucking take it. Seriously, you don't have a fucking choice. I'm like Obama and you are Bank of America. You may not want it but you're getting it regardless. Oh, and she was on That 70's Show and probably got plowed by Ashton Kutcher.
October 29, 2009: Emma Watson
Emma Emma Emma. You and Natalie Portman are the hottest Ivy League Co-Eds EVA. You have the one up for two reasons. One: You have a British accent which increases hottness by 90% (proven statistic). Two: Emma is a great name. I'm marrying an Emma, hopefully this one.
October 27, 2009: Stacy Keibler
Special thanks to Bill Simmons for introducing me to Stacy. And Stacy's ass, which is preventing me from writing anything witty because of its hypnotically perfect shape. /Drool.
October 26, 2009: Jessica Biel
Look, I don't know if she has done anything for a while, but if she looks like this still, she can do anything to me. I'm sorry, but what is it that is causing you to rip your shirt off? Maybe she's looking at a picture of Herm. Then I would understand.
October 25, 2009: Eva Mendes
If I was her I would probably have a hard time not cumming every time I look at myself in the mirror. I'm sure she had to be CGI'd into Training Day in the naked bedroom scene, 'cuz I'm sure Ethan Hawke would need a new change of pants every scene. I know I do after each viewing.
October 24, 2009: Tila Tequil(ughhhhh)
In all honesty, I'm not the least bit attracted to this woman. I really don't see what Shawn Merriman's hands saw in her. However, it is technically her birthday and, because I'm not drunk enough, I hoped something with tequila would help.
October 23, 2009: Emmanuel Chriqui
I don't quite understand how a chick this hot gets such unflattering names. Emmanuel? Sloan? If you're going to throw a bunch of random letters together and use them to label that hot ass, why not just go with Bonerriffic?
October 22, 2009: Gillian Jacobs
This is Britt, the promiscuous and sexy blond in Community that always winces at Joel McHale. Not only is she hot, but she acts like a snob, which always pulls at my heart strings. Strings she pulls with her giant mickey mouse hands.
October 21, 2009: Anna Paquin
SOOKEH IS MAHNE ERIC. And I also called dibs on her mind reading ass before you Bill. You should be used to losing, you know, with the whole "I fought in the confederate army" thing. Anna, if you can read minds, why are you struggling so much with that stream of water? Also, 90's shorts = HOT.
October 20, 2009: Joanna Krupa
I met Ms. Krupa for the first time today. I'm not a homophobic person and I support gay rights, but how the fuck can you like men when there are things like this? Helloooo six-to-midnight.
October 19, 2009: Eva Amurri
Caution - NSFW
Again, in order to compensate for our lack of sperm, here's Susan Sarandon's daughter stripping. See? Monday Night Football isn't the only thing to wet your whistle on the worst day of the week. And there's just enough David Duchovny spliced in so that you can't blow your load.
October 16, 2009: Odette Yustman
If you remember in Cloverfield, she took an iron rod to the left chesticle. I'm sure I can say this for everyone that I wish my rod was on her chesticles. Also, Those lacey garments are literally pointless.
October 15, 2009: Kellie Pickler
I first met Ms. Pickler when she was crawling out of a large organ. A piano, specifically. If she happened to surprise me in a similar manner, I'd worry that I might pop a boner so fast that it would impale her.
October 14, 2009: Zoe Saldana:
She's got a tattoo down where Herm likes 'em. Not sure what it's of, but I can only imagine it's has some sort of meaning, like a tribal arm band for you naval. A tribal tuna spread.
October 13, 2009: Sofia Vergara:
She's on a television show, and guess what network is sponsoring this ass. MTV? nope. HBO? colder. CW? godammit she's on ABC, it's fucking ABC. She is married to an old man in the show, so I have to assume she looks for sex outside the marriage.
October 12, 2009: January Jones
I wish I was that mahogony floor, or even that white backdrop or Jon Hamm so i could work with her. I bet this is how she cleans the floors. Can you say DREAMGIRL?!
October 11, 2009: Tina Fey
I'm laughing at how pathetic this Sperm is. That's more than I can say for any episode of "30 Rock." Yeah, I said that shit, Wilt. This is what you get on Sundays when the Patriots lose. Here, use this picture to get flaccid if you're reading this and getting wood from looking at that hot blonde three seats in front of you. First impressions, you know?
October 10, 2009: Kaley Cuoco
You may be wondering whats at the end of that rope she is pulling. If I remember correctly, it was wrapped around my genitals. She's the whip and gag type.
October 9, 2009: Julie Benz:
She may be a mom on Dexter, but she's a MILF in my book. Look at the golden hair just accidentally positioned across her bitties. And look, she's already wet.October 8, 2009: Paula Patton:
This thing just had a baby. I relegate the term thing because she is a thing of beauty. Hope she reads this because I just wooed her better than Robin Thicke. Fuck, she's married to Robin Thicke. So much for our future together.
October 7, 2009: Kristen Bell:
We at Herm's Perm believe in justice. Judd Apatow may have featured plenty of Kristen's perfect jugs and toned abs in "Sarah Marshall," but he foolishly neglected her clearly stunning ass. As I type this, I'm literally thinking of ways to get my hands on that thing. It looks more squeezable than a stress ball.
October 6, 2009: Carmella DeCesare:
Our apologies for the serious lack of Sperm lately. We understand that this is how you get through the day. In an attempt to reconcile our neglectful ways, here's an entire site devoted to the former '04 PMOTY (NSFW, obvs).
October 2, 2009: Rosario Dawson:
Quite the sexy one. This was called in from Bubb. He insisted because his favorite BROADway play is Rent. Other of Bubb's favorites: Gay Sex 3, Homoerotica 2, and Gili.
October 1, 2009: From your LA DOYERS, Alyssa Milano:
This is the only way Herm can respectfully acknowledge baseball and it's playoffs. By chillin in Milano's crotch. Don't worry, he'll be gentle and soft. Just like how he coaches his defense.
We at Herm's Perm are rather fond of the dick joke. Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe it's a blog thing. Maybe it's a guy's thing-a-ling.
You see, it's nearly impossible to finish a paragraph without one. As a self-proclaimed diplomat, I am saddened to think that our one consistent female reader (my mom) should get all the fun of reading about opposite-gender genitalia.
Additionally, our URL seems to have caused some confusion as to the intent of this web domain (for the last time, MR. EDWARDS' SEED IS NOT FOR SALE TO THE PUBLIC). That's why we're starting a nightly segment called "Herm Sperm."
Like those little tadpole-like organisms released into the wild, we vow to scour the interwebz for the skankiest, underclothed women that Google can find. If the pictures are appropriate (we can't be blatantly NSFW. This isn't one of them tasteless whore gallerias in Amsterdam), we'll post them. If not, we might photoshop Steve Buschemi's face over the classified areas.
Some of the girls will be celebs. Others, simply noteworthy specimen that catch the eye of Wilt or myself whilst tossing off. We'll occasionally choose relevant subjects, as seen in Wilt's selection for today. This little segment will be in the sidebar, but don't click, becasue these links are about as filthy as Nicole Richie.
Here's two pictures to get you started. But honestly, go finish the fucking job somewhere else.
Bubb's first choice: Scarlett Johanssen