October 25, 2009

LIVE BLOG: New York Lil' Mannings and Arizona Larry Fitzdreads

In the last six hours, I have spent a total of maybe 30 minutes not on this very couch that I am currently sitting on. In those six hours, there have been only two games on the Lawrence TV schedule. TWO. Kansas City and San Diego. A literal butt fuck, where even Latoelian Toelinson went for more than his season average, IN THE FIRST HALF. Phil Rivers had two bombs to Vincent Jackson, with coverage lightly splattered here and there, but mostly there.

The other game: Dallas and Atlanta. When a game like New Orleans and Miami is available, they give us this shit. Two boring ass teams and crap scores, like the Crayton return, and not a single punt off the score board. Although, it's hard to hit a scoreboard with a punt when both teams turn the ball over every down that isn't a score.

So, as you can see, I have had a shitty day. Couple that with my shitty day yesterday, and you have a shitty weekend that couldn't be saved by a fantasy football raping. So, hopefully this game will lighten my spirits just a little bit. Maybe not enough to get me off this couch, but maybe enough to get me out of bed for class in the morning.

So for the viewers, here is a random LIVE BLOG from the Perm bloggers. Enjoy as always, because there will probably be at least nine to ten racy comments. Wilt scripting in the mournful Jayhawk blue and Bubb in the excited and first place in Pac-10 Trojan crimson.

Every Sunday night I'm amazed to see that Faith Hill still looks sexy. Ever since Monday Night Football moved to ESPN, Sunday night has become the much more enjoyable program. And if you tell me that you'd rather see some bearded cowboy sing about football than this chick in a short, tight black dress, you're probably watching football for the wrong reasons. Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth are blabbering on about the Giants, so I'm going to throw this over to Wilt so I can finish looking at pictures of Faith.

New York gave up the most points since 1966. This was also Al Michaels 20th anniversary of his first announcing job, as an announcer for the 1946 hog tossing championships. This is all true, like how Kurt Warner spent his years at the University of Northern Iowa building lincoln log houses instead of taking finals.

5:35 - Looks like it's going to be another aerial assault against the Giants' D, as the Warner completes his first two passes with relative ease. Then Tim Hightower fumbles. There's no affirmative action in playcalling, idiots. If you can pass it every time, then do so. I'm also slightly biased as I lead my fantasy games by six points and my opponent only has Tim hightower left. He's off to a fast start with -2 points. I'm up eight!

5:38 - Wilt is also experiencing some technical difficulties. His return is questionable.

7:42 - I'm back with no idea of what just happened. I think I heard something about Breaston. All I know is that Sprint hammers away at you with their damn NFL commercials. I understand you have the licensing, but it doesn't mean you have to shove it down our throats. A nice little subtle commercial does just fine.

5:44 - Yeah, that cunt Steelers fan who pops out of her bubble and then brags to all her friends with her new anytime minutes really irks me. I can't hear her voice, but I always imagine it as obnoxiously pipsqueakish. The Giants looked ineffective on their first drive. The Cards respond with a three-and-out. Go offense!

7:49 - Brandon Jacobs goes for 17. Little known fact. He went to Coffeville community college, which just so happens to be the same place my only black friend went to play football. He got run over by Jacobs and his spent the rest of his life drinking for a living to try and recover from the blow.

5:51 - WILT, NOTE THE TIME. WE'RE ON THE WEST COAST. STAY CONSISTENT, ASSHOLE. Eli bombs one into Dominick Rodgers-Cromartie's arms in the end zone. Costas says Rodgers-Cromartie is a corner either gets burned or is fabulous. Also fabulous: anything bad happening to Eli Manning. I'd never stop smiling if that guy contracted syphilis from Plaxico's cellmate on conjugal visit day.

7:58 - IT'S QUIRKY BECAUSE WE ARE IN DIFFERENT TIME ZONES AND PEOPLE THINK ITS FUNNY. HAHAHA. Anyways, I think Anquan is getting complacent now that Todd Haley isn't shoving firecrackers down his pants during practice. Also, Todd's tending to Fitzgeralds dreads was the reason for his spectacular season. Now they are just raggedy and unkempt. 

6:02 - If not for an Ahmad Bradshaw's -2 yard run, Eli Manning would have just engineered a first down by drawing two consecutive offsides. That might be the most skilled play I've ever seen from him. The giants have a great rushing offense, so I will continue to shit all over Eli's absence of passing skill until he either retires or dies. I have no preference.

8:07- I bet your preference changes if his death is handed to him through a lighting fast pass from Tom Brady to the liver of Eli. Then as he bleeds out, Wes Welker stomps on his lifeless body over and over with his fast little white legs. I also bet you like that Delay of Game. I think this a good time for me to say that Eli is my starting QB on my fantasy team right now.

6:09 - Wilt's other options at QB: Favreinator and McNabby, who's facing the winless Redskins. Although the McNabb vs. shitty teams theory doens't always pan out. Every person at this game HAS to be a Mets fan, as the Yankees game is being played concurrently. I'm going on the record and saying Go Angels. Do it for Tres-Cuatro. We wrap up the first quarter with a nice Beanie Wells run and a 0-0 score. THIS GAME IS BAF (Boring as Fundip).

6:15 - Warner is picked off. PUT IN MATTY L!

8:16 - Who are you to say Fundip is boring? YOU DIP A STICK IN BAG OF SUGAR. I'm sure if you asked a poor child in Kenya (aka Namdi Asumalsdfkjasfhga) they would say it was created from the pubic hair of the gods. Brandon Jacobs to the endzone, 7-0 Giants to help fuck my fantasy team some more. Thanks Coughlin you old cherry faced dick sucker.

6:19 - Just found this video of Dwayne Bowe, which might top the Namath-Kolber interview as most awkward filmed interaction between two people of all time. Michaels and Collinsworth continue to rattle off statistics about how much the Cards throw the ball. On a fourth-down punt, the ball goes off one of the Giants' gunners, but the Cardinals adeptly fall on the ball....and push it out of bounds. First and ten for Jacobs/Bradshaw and that schmuck who throws the ball like a pansy.

8:28 - The wind must be extremely stiff because Eli just fell down. I don't know why he did that. Punting again are the Giants. Brilliant punt that pins the Cards back 17 yards past the first down marker from the previous Giant possession. I think Eli could have thrown further than that punt. Now, THAT'S saying something.

8:32 - Cialis: it gets you so hard that you can penetrate her despite each of you sitting in separate bath tubs.

8:37 - The winds are swirling so much, I'm surprised there isn't a tornado in the Meadowlands. Also, what the hell kind of name is the Meadowlands. When you say "meadow" it's pretty safe to assume that it is on the land. I don't think I've heard of meadows in the clouds or on the ocean floor. I could be wrong though. I'm no nautical expert. FOUR AND OUT GIANTS. Man this game is exciting. They almost completed a pass that time.

6:39 - Anquan Boldin makes a first down catch and hangs on after a vicious hit. "That guy is a man," says Collinsworth. If only once, he could say "that bitch is a pussycake," about Eli. He'd be an instant hall-of-fame commentator in my book. The Cards are actually marching down the field with some effectiveness and Beanie Wells punches it in for six on a 13 yard run. Ohio State sucks, but you're not Tim Hightower, so I'll like you for now.

6:43 - Just noticed that he stiffarmed USC cornerback Terrell Thomas in the process. I retract my previous statement. Beanie, you are a pusscake. Throw the ball, Arizona. I'm not here to watch a jailbreakfest.

8:45 - AND ELI GETS BACK TO 0 POINTS. That's the type of game we are enjoying right now. You are literally surprised if they get a first down. 

8:47 -  It takes a ridiculously tipped pass for Manning to complete a pass over 5 yards. Broncos vs Bengals-esque, just with out the awesomeness of Gus Johnson. Touchdown Hakeem Nicks as my fantasy score rebounds like the North Carolina basketball team. See what I did there. Hakeem Nicks went to UNC. I'm cool.

6:51 - Watching that Manning "touchdown pass" makes me feel a lot like this guy:

Thankfully, Anquan Boldin takes a short pass and turns it into a 40-yard gain. If you're like me, you're hoping for a Fitzgerald TD. Not for fantasy purposes, but because I have another gem of a video to show you. Overstimulation! 

8:55 - If you failed to laugh at that video, then you lack a soul or are Eli Manning. You know that Mariah Carey commercial where the guy goes out of his way to find every perfect thing to make out with a 40 something married woman. Notice his display of douche as he kicks the elevator button. Also notice him gloating to his friend, who is probably on the other line telling him that he still works as a hotel concierge at age 28 and hasn't had sex since the day he dropped out of community college.

7:00 - HALFTIME. My analysis thus far: relative BOREFEST. At least it's close, I suppose. I'm calling for more Fitzdreads and a debilitating injury to Eli Manning in the second half.

7:05 - HEY YOU! Do you also hate listening to Dan Patrick's monotone, Tony Dungy's semi-lisp and Rodney Harrison's lingering depression over the Tyree catch? Well then CHECK THIS OUT. Fast forward to the 4-and-a-half minute mark to hear Brandon Meriwether talk about his adventures in England. I'm jealous of Brandon. I've always wanted to travel overseas to see the Big Bang clock and go to haunted houses.

9:15 - Hey Bubb did you hear that? Hightower is done thanks to winter wool hat Wells. I'm so Chris Berman-ing right now. Oh no. Dilema Bubb. Do you still cheer for Steve Smith if it is beneficial to Eli. This is how unexciting this game has been. I'm posing theoretical questions to my fellow live blogger.

7:17 - Every catch made by Steve Smith is entirely to the credit of the receiving abilities of Steve Smith. If he played with a legitimate quarterback, he'd make Carolina's Steve Smith look like Steve Smith. Steve Smith. We're in the second half, and Fitzdreads catches a 26-yarder and, two plays later, a 27-yarder. Here's your first video (better one to come if he scores a TD):
Nice hands, Larreh!

9:26 - Inexplicably, Hightower ends up on the field, even after reports that Beanie would be getting the bulk of the carries the rest of the game. This of course angers Bubb who watches Tim (least black name ever) donkey punch it in. Only up by .5 points now. It's OK though Bubb, NBC programming is great and can rebound out depression. LAW AND ORDER SVU or SUV. Pick and choose. The SUV is about deaths of GM workers who work on the Chevy Trailblazer.

7:33 - We return from our commercial break with a 17-14 game and a Kurt Warner bio-montage. Much to my dismay, it does not chronicle the number of grocery bags that he has filled. The Cards run some exciting trickery and put safety Antrelle Rolle who throws a bomb to Fitzdreads. A double-teamed hit by two giants defenders pop the ball out of his hands and it all becomes meaningless as the ref calls holding. I was going to wait for a Fitzdreads TD, but fuck it:

9:40 - Oh you Los Angelos and your hispanic heritage. You think you're so damn special. OOOO I have spanish programming. I'm so cool. Yeah, well we have religious programming and an entire station dedicated at watching wheat crops grow. Back to the game as Brandon forces a run and gets Eli into throwing range allowing him to potentially get a throw past the first down marker. third and two. But, before he can get a play off he gets a delay of game call, officially pushing him out of first down throwing range.

9:44 - As I just said, out of throwing range, and Eli gets a ball tipped up and picked at the Giants 20. Bubb is running into some dock problems and is restarting. First down run by the Cards gets a first and goal. New York isn't looking so Giant any more. I'm great.

9:48 - Cards rack up another TD on a screen pass. The Cards are playing very well. Either that or Eli just looks extremely bad. Probably the latter considering he's gotten me only 8 fucking points, all of which were gathered on one fluke play.

7:56 - On third and two, Manning wisely tries to throw the ball 40 yards down the sideline. Chris Collinsworth tries to impart his wide receiver knowledge onto the intended Giants wide receiver, who apparently rand too close to the sideline, forcing Eli to throw the ball out of bounds. No, it couldn't have been Eli's fault for putting the ball out of play. It's clearly the receiver's mistake. Go fuck a bottle full of glass shards, Collinsworth.

10:00 - Good, and I thought that the offense might start getting exciting. PFEW. Dodged a bullet on that one. 'Zona went three and out and then punted right back to the GEEE-MEN. I'm sure Eli will promptly throw three passes behind his receivers and hand it back to Warner. He has respect for his elders, unlike that asshole Ben Roeslithberger.

FUCKIT. The game ended and after this post everything went to shit on the blog. As you can probably tell by this last paragraph, the end of the column now stops mid word and cuts off on the next line. It's great and I don't know why it did this. Something happened in that last post that obviously ended the continuity of this blog. We need to hire the Mentalist to help us figure out this problem. In the end, though, Eli fucked up and fucked me up potentially with a big DeSean Jackson game. Oh well, Bubb got his Chipotle so he is happy. Goodnight fellows.

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