April 14, 2011

Well Then.

It's cool that Josh Selby has decided to leave. And I have no problem with his decision at all. He's clearly got the statistics to back up such a move. He played 26 games. TWENTY-SIX. That's like playing TWO high school seasons. So he got plenty of game time. 

Then he averaged 7.9 points a game. Doesn't look that good, but consider this. He didn't have his headband. So, under the law of "Apparel Depreciation" he should have dropped his scoring average by 90%. So really, only dropping 60% isn't that bad. THE STATISTICS ARE THERE GUYS.

The guy shot 37% from the field. Like only 400 other players did that this year. He even shot a SCORCHING 36% from three. That puts him in the top 80th percentile among guards. THE NUMBERS ARE SO INCORRIGIBLE. 

And, lets not forget how good he was at being on the court. He only missed TWELVE games. You know who missed more games? Kyrie Irving and Robbie Hummel. And guess what they are doing right now? ONE IS GOING TO THE NBA AND THE OTHER IS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. That's enough evidence right there for Josh to leave. IT'S CALLED PRECEDENT YO. 

And let us not forget how he told us of his decision. Through his PR savvy, he implemented his twitter account to tell everyone in one quick motion. That way there is no confusion. No need to set up a press conference or tell Bill Self. Just hit it (the iphone buttons) and quit it. That's what a true athlete does.

So good luck on your adventures in the NBA. Surely you will be a lottery pick, and if my predictions are correct, you should be the next Von Wafer. 

March 4, 2011

Klay Thompson Ridin' Dirty

Two guys sitting in a GMC Envoy outside dorms.

Klay Thompson - UGH. Crazy game tonight huh Faisal. 

Faisal Aden - What?

Thompson - I said, 'crazy game last night'

Aden - Yeah. (reaches in pocket)

Thompson - What are you getting ou–

Aden - Weed.

Thompson - WHAT?!!?! Dude, do you know what my parents would do if I brought their car back with the smell of weed in i–

Aden - Chill bro. I got this Wiz Khalifa CD. Put it in the player. (pulls out rolling papers)

Thompson - NO YOU CAN'T SMO– Hold on. I don't like arab music.

Aden - (licks paper) Not arab. (rolls paper)

Thompson - Seriously Faisal. Stop making that weed.

Aden - (puts cd in) Just chill dude. I got this.

Thompson - I don't doubt that you d–


Thompson - Wha–


Thompson - Well... you did just roll a joint in like 4 sec–


Thompson - Fine. (starts car) So where are we going?

Aden - To Mount Fiji (lights joint)

Thompson - How 'bout a place in legitimate driving distance.

Aden - In that case (takes hit and holds) Mt. St. Hellens (lets hit go) PFTHEHAHEHEHE!

Thompson - No seriously. Where. 

Aden - Juss to mah house (takes hit) Oh I luv this joint. (turns up song.)

Thompson - Alright.

(gets to house)

Aden - Alright. I'm out.

Thompson - Alright. Don't forget your CD.

Aden - Aw shit. yeah. Thanks.

Thompson - Yeah. No problem.

(Aden closes door)

FUCKING ASSHOLE. Where the fuck is my fabreze? Oh here it is. What? Dammit Aiden. left your fuckin wee–

(knock on window)

Thompson - SHIT.

(rolls down window)

Officer Gary - Did you know that your rear driver side brake light is – (nose crinkles) Sir have you been smoking marijuana?

Thompson - Uhh, no sir ossiffer.

Officer Gary - Step out of the car please.

Thompson - Uh, sure. I swear it is my friend's.

Officer Gary - You just said you didn't have anything.

Thompson - Ummm–

Officer Gary - I'm gonna do a quick search. (searches car) What is this?

Thompson - School project?

Officer Gary - Oh ok.

Thompson  - Really?

Officer Gary - NOPE! You're gonna need to find a ride. Did you know that a ticket for Marijuana is a 400 dollar fine and six months diversion. 

Thompson - No. It's really not mi–

Officer Gary - And it also will dissapoint your parents

Thompson -But it was my fien–

Officer Gary - And I'm sure it will keep you out the UCLA game.

Thompson - Wha?

(Officer Gary pulls out note pad with Bruins logo on it)

Thompson - Shit

Officer Gary - Yep (finishes ticket. Get's back in car) SEE YA KLAY!

January 18, 2011

Late night blogging: Bart Scott and MLK

I had a dream, to make a video, involving Bart Scott's rant. I was successful. Go, 'Merica.

Gil Meche: Successful at Giving up

The comfort zone is resting an arm in Arizona with other retirees 
Today, Gil Meche hung up the last remnants of his shoulder blade, confirming the fact that the Royals will be using a 3 man rotation next year. This, of course, ends a career of pure mediocrity, that paid off to the tune of 55 million dollars over five years. What was the Royals return on that investment? An 84-83 record.

This reminds me of many others that gave up before they actually paid their dues to the world.

Kurt Cobain
I just went to mainstream, bro.

Nice job pussy. Maybe next time you consider helping your band mates. What the hell are they doing anymore? Probably working for Starbucks. This guy is a dick. He should have killed himself twice. Once for being depressed, and once for being a total dick and killing yourself.

Heath Ledger

"Oh hey guys! I'll just put out an Oscar performance and then kill myself. OK BAI." Go fuck yourself Heath. You masterfully did what no one else could do, which is make the Joker a believable character. Then, just to make sure everyone knew how for real you were in this character, you go crazy and die. You sir, are selfish.

John F. Kennedy

OH, YOU TOO SCARED TO FACE THE COLD WAR. Pussy. I know you have no soul, being that you are a ginger, but that doesn't mean you couldn't bless this Earth with your infidelity. You were supposed to pre-date Clinton as the first President to rail a bitch (publicly) who wasn't their wife in the office. Great job, at not living.

January 14, 2011

Adrian Peterson: Career Killer

It's been a while. My new years resolution this year was to contributed consistently on the blog, but due to my chronic procrastination, have waited until the 14th of January to start. That's a good sign. Clearly my determination to get into the RED ZONE, will prevail and there will be posts aplenty. Also, the site has moved back to blogspot because college is expensive, even if it only costs 10 dollars a year for a service charge for a big boy website. Anyways, I'm rusty so don't make fun of me.

Adrian Peterson is one of my favorite players to step on the field in Minnesota at the running back position. He's tough, he's rough, and occasionally has a muff, but all things said, you tend to hope a bruiser could actually be a nice guy off the field. NAY. He is a man that sees that laws do not apply to him. He once doubled the speed limit, just to show his new car off to the Minneapolis police department. Now he's at it again.
Mazda, this is your new sponsor. ZOOM ZOOM MUH FUCKAH

Definition of "Durr"
If you remember, the Vikings played football this year about as well as Kevin James plays a deep/interesting/intelligent character. Of course I mean they played like shit. And this was no way entirely Adrian Peterson's fault, but after this recent news, maybe it was his doing.

According to reports (YAHOOO!) apparently Brad Childress isn't the only victim to be axed from his employer thanks to the moves by Adrian Peterson.

A couple of weeks ago, Adrian Peterson was out on the town, most likely cruising upwards of triple the speed limit, and had an urge. An urge to release urine upon a McDonalds bathroom. This of course is quite common for most men in the Minnesota area, because it's where they spend 70% of their day, so comfort with the McD's B-room is not surprising.

What is surprising is that at 3 a.m., someone would let a strange black guy in their place of business. This of course is an offense that must be punished if you are the owner of such an establishment. God forbid you allow one person into the store after 3, but even though you don't allow the homeless guys in when they are looking for toilette to cuddle up with, I think you can make an exception for the leading rusher in the league, and the best running back in the league AND THE FACE OF MINNESOTA.

So Eff U McDonalds. If only you gave the reigns of your company to Grimace McGriddle, only then would have you have a company worth paying the stock price for.