Saturday 'Shoppin

Today we do Lance Stephenson.

I LOVE LAMP

I don't really understand anything going on with this story anymore. Let's put the whole gay thing on the back burner, although Ronaiah Tuiasosopo basically just told the world he is gay, setting back gay rights approximately 10 years. ALL THAT'S ON THE BACK BURNER.

So, Ronaiah and Manti Te'o' knew each other, right? It said so in the Deadspin article. Can we stop thinking that this was just Ronaiah's idea. The stories of the Tuiasosopo's don't even mesh anymore. His cousin Tino, who is female despite the name, said she did some of the voices on the calls. But now Ronaiah is saying he was the one talking to, and falling in love with Manti? This is why there are no Hawaiian mob members. They have no idea how to keep a story straight.

Anyways, here is the big quote from Dr. Phil.

This guy thinks things are retarded.

JOE FACKIN FLACCO HERE. JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW, THAT OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE, I CAN YELL ALL I WANT. I TOLD MY WIFE, WHO IS CURRENTLY BEING AN ON-THE-RAG BITCH, THAT I DO WHAT I WANT, SO LONG AS SHE DOESN'T HEAR, SEE OR FEEL IT.

NOW, IN REGARDS TO THIS SUPER BOWL, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS FOR LETTING ME SCREAM AT PELICANS. THANK YOU. SUCH A GREAT CITY TO HOST A FOOTBALL CHARADE. THAT'S RIGHT. A CHARADE. THAT'S FRENCH FOR PUSSY PLAY. BECAUSE NEXT YEAR, WHEN I'M HERE AGAIN, CLEARLY, THE SUPER BOWL WILL BE IN THAT FACKIN RETARD TOWN OF NEW YORK. LIKE, WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO AROUND HERE TO GET SOME SUNNY WEATHER AND PELICANS?

OH, SO YOU MEDIA OUTLETS DON'T LIKE MY USE OF THE WORD "RETARD." WELL, DEAL WITH IT. I JUST MADE THE SUPERBOWL. MY GAMES AT ANOTHER LEVEL, AND NOW MY INTERVIEWS ARE AT ANOTHER LEVEL, BOTH IN VOLUME AND VULGARITY. I LIVE MY LIFE IN THE 3 V'S. VULGARITY, VOLUME, VAGINA RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY. THE THIRD ONE OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE I AM A PRACTICED OBGYN IN THE BALTIMORE AREA. SOMETHING I QUIT THIS YEAR, BECAUSE I'M DONE PUSSY FOOTBALLING AROUND. I'M HERE TO MAKE HISTORY.

FIRST HISTORY TO BE MADE. I LIKE FAGGOTS. I'M PRO GAY AS SHIT. DEAL WITH IT MEDIAS. I'M NOT AFRAID TO PULL OUT A QUICKY ON YOU LIKE A SAILOR AND A CONSTRUCTION WORKER IN THE BATHROOM OF THE VILLAGE PEOPLE CONCERT.

SECOND HISTORY: EVOLUTION IS BULLSHIT. YOU KNOW WHY. BECAUSE THERE ARE FAGGOTS. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. IT JUST DOESN'T HAVE ANY EVOLUTIONARY REASONING TO STILL EXIST IN HUMAN SOCIETY. HOW YOU LIKE THAT MEDIAS.

THIRD AND FINAL HISTORY: RAY LEWIS DIDN'T USE STEROIDS. HE'S JUST NOT HIDING HIS GAYNESS THAT WELL. ALL THE CUM HE DRINKS AROUND THE LOCKER ROOM DEFINITELY SHOWS UP ON A PED TEST. NO DOUBT. SPEAKING OF NO DOUBT, NO DOUBT I WOULD TAG TEAM GWEN STEFANI IN A BATHROOM WITH A HOWLER MONEY. THAT SHIT WOULD BE BANANAS. B. A. N. A. N. A. S.

I CALL THIS MEETING ADJOURNED. FLACCO OUT.

Lady's face talks. No relevant information contributed.

This girl, Diane O'Meara, talked on the Today Show ... today. Why does it matter? It doesn't. She was just someone who had their photos taken on facebook. That's not something new. I'm pretty sure somewhere in Europe, they are using a fabulous photo of me to sell Cadbury Eggs. It's not a big deal. I wouldn't go on the Today Show and tell people how I got defamed by the Cadbury Egg corporation.

 "I don't even like milk chocolate. I'm a dark chocolate kind of man. As in I like very dark black women. What were we talking about again? Oh, and I don't like eggs, because I don't want to impregnate them. Very dark black woman eggs. So, how's your day going Matt Lauer?"

GHOST GIRLFRIEND: VIABLE OPTION

I'm still waiting for someone to release a screenshot (probably photoshopped, but at this point what's the difference) of Manti Te'o's Facebook page with his relationship status set to "it's complicated." By now you've likely heard the story, been perplexedly amused, acted aloof to at least one friend who hasn't seen Catfish, and tweeted a joke or two about Te'o being a loser/idiot/virgin (or combination of the three). I did, anyway.

Lennay Kekua giving Tyler Durden a blowjob

However, having a fake/online-only/ghost girlfriend isn't all bad. For one, they're free; no fancy dinners, extravagant gifts or expensive trips to Planned Parenthood for some Plan B. They don't get pissed when you forget to call/text or decide to watch porn instead of skyping them goodnight. They can have the perfect figure, a supermodel face, or even be bi-racial because WHO CARES YOU MADE THEM UP, FULL CREATIVE LICENSE.

I'm not saying that Te'o went about his dating life in the best manner, but I feel like there are worse options than dating a GHOSTLADY. So, without further ado, here are three examples:

Vincent Smith's recollection of Clowney's hit.

What you see above is the horrific incident that Michigan running back Vincent Smith went through. This is his story ...

PUSSIES

OH SHIT, GIANT KITTEN.

On Saturday, the Denver Broncos took a loss to the Ravens due to an overwhelming case of VAGINITIS. I was toying with putting a large vagina in the background of these two, but on second thought chose to put a kitten. Mostly because of how vulgar a giant vagina would look. Don't worry, I still made that photoshop. For my own edification, of course. *jerks off ferociously*