Live Blog Time!!!

This is our new liveblog system. If you'll notice, you can join in. Definitely do this, and also be funny. We can control what goes on down there, so don't be too racist, but a little racist is encouraged.

Live Blog – KU vs Gaylor

That pretty much explains it. Well done sunflower cable. You are the shithole of the earth, along with comcast. So, I guess Xavier Henry just sweetens the KU attack? Why the fuck do I want my attack sweetened? Wouldn't that make it pussy? Like the powderpuff girls? Sugar and spice and everything nice? Also, Ekpe Udoh, not that good. Also, 2-13 is a really bad record against a team. Like really bad. Wanna hear a good record? 52-0 at home. You want more? 90+ games straight without giving up a shooting percentage over 50%. Another? 14 games. That's how many away the Jayhawks are from 2000 school wins. One more stat, because I'm a douche. Big 12 at home in non-conference –108-1. There you go. I think we know who will win this one.

We are changing it up this time. Bubb will be in good old black and italicized. Wilt will take on the bold venture of bold text. LET'S GET IT ON. Oh Guy LeDouche, you make my day.

Big eyed birds vs Fake birds LIVE BLOG

Last year, in Kansas City, Temple gave the Jayhawks a terrible loss. It wasn't even close. So, obviously, they think they are the shit. In fact, after beating Villinova, their fans began chanting "We want Kansas." Well you got 'em.

This is the first ranked opponent Kansas has faced this year, which should be enough to get them ready for this game. But just to entirely lock up the blowout of Temple, their fans went out and got all penisy. Not only that, but this is the first time the Twins (Marcus and Markieff Morris) have been back to their hometown to play with the Jayhawks.

I'll just let Sherron tell you how badly they want to win this game.

You hear that? ALL CAPS. HE'S UP EARLY! BETTA WATCH THE FUCK OUT!

We are about 30 minutes away from the game, where the live blog will begin. Currently I'm watching Vern Ludquist get his first raging errection without the aid of Viagra trying to describe John Wall. He is still fucking amazing.

As always, Wilt will be in blue and Bubb in red. I think you can tell which team we want to win.

Live Blog anyone?

No, really. Anyone? Well if you do, we are gonna do one of those via our twitter. All you have to do is follow us and BAM, you have you're liveblog live from your phone for the KU Memphis, and SouthCentral High School USC Riverside North High school UC Riverside games. It's funny, this would be a live blog right here, but someone *cough*BubbRubb*cough* had to go to his game, if you even want to call it that. Being that the KU game is in St. Louis, which makes about as much sense as playing the USC-UCLA game in Reno, I will be doing it from my home couch. Currently Michigan State just capped a comeback against the Zags to pull a 2 point lead. This is where we will begin. Remember, go to twitter. Follow. Read. Relish in the awesomness.

She is for sure from Memphis.

Fuck you, Wilt. What you have in talent, we make up for in, er, brute strength.

Twitter.com/hermsperm

LIVE BLOG: Jessica Simpson's Former Boyfriend vs. Clifford's Former Caretaker

The Giants-Chargers game just wrapped and the 21-20 result in favor of the Bolts was more satisfying than watching my own team improve to 6-2 and take a healthy lead in the AFC East. I thrive on the misery and shortcomings of Eli Manning, which you probably remember if you read the live blog two weeks ago.

The pleasure of Eli's loss is amplified by the loss coming by the hands of the quarterback who was selected behind him in the 2004 draft. Not to mention that Eli has a superior offensive line and backfield to inflate his numbers, giving the appearance that he's a good quarterback. I could literally rant for hours about this, but I already wrote about it a while back. Glad to see my detailed analysis has finally proven itself.

Alas, I'm sure you're not here to listen to why the Giants suck syphilis'd Chinaman penis. You're here for the live blog of the Eagles-Cowboys game. We promise not to make any jokes about Michael Vick's dog abuse, Tony Romo's dubious heterosexuality and Andy Reid's approach to Mangino-like mass. Psych.

As always, Wilt in Jayhawk blue and Bubb in Trojan cardinal.

How 'Bout Some More Live Blogging: San Diego Oakland

Someone doesn't want to go home with a loss and then have to watch the Raiders. Well lucky for you Randy, we have ourselves a nice little live blog. That way, tomorrow while your at the water cooler, you can still act knowledgeable about your former team.

Sundy Night Football Live Blog Chicago @ Green Bay

After a rowdy 13 games to start off the '09 NFL season, both Sexcapade and Bubb are leading their respective fantasy leagues, with insane point totals. 122 on the Rubb side with all his games finished and with two receivers and a kicker to go 20K is thriving with 118. Needless to say, we are both excited for the upcoming months with great starts. I am specifically excited to see if Wes Welker and Vince Jackson can pull me up to an astonishing 150 points.

I plan on taking a shot of Gin for every point away from my goal I don't get. Robbie Gould can help my sobriety, by smashing extra points and pin pointing a few 50 yard field goals. So this is where we begin out coverage, half hour outside of a great Sunday night game, hoping that Jay Cutler has enough insulin to get him into field goal range, and then falter, while diabetic coma stunts Da Bears offense, at the 35 yard line. Remember, no more Madden, so no repetitive offensive line comments and redundant coaching anecdotes. Just friendly Chris Collinsworth action. Bubb will most likely join me somewhere between the first cheese head viewing and the 9th Brett fucking Farve reference.

Watching Young Talented Children Play with Balls.

New York vs Texas. A heated rivalry that dates back decades to the days when people actually gave a shit about character. Only one sport has brought out the ferociousness of this rivalry. Little League Baseball. These kids hate each other more than Braylon Edwards hates catching passes. Think of the toughest rivalries in the world: Russia vs US, Chelsea vs Man U, Duke vs NC. This one tops them all. These kids were specifically engineered for this day, where the two states face off. We can all expect some fireworks on the field tonight, and probably multiple base running errors. So go kids, flaunt your talents, 'cuz maybe someday, with the help of HGH, you can become Gary Sheffield. A prude asshole that holds his bat like he's Michael J. Fox. Ok. Time to be hypercritical of 11 year olds.

Hey, Michael Phelps can still find free time between his busy schedule of swimming and underwater weed vaporizing to enjoy the little things in life.

"I was flipping through the channels and came across the little league world series on tv. it brought back a bunch of memories to when I played baseball before I gave it up to concentrate on swimming (think that ended up being a good choice), but I am still a fan."

First of all, did he learn English from Helen Keller? Just 'cuz you won 8 golds doesn't excuse you from proper punctuation and capitalization. Second of all, the closest he would have ever gotten to a major league baseball team is the San Fran Bay. Anyways, the game is calling me.

First Inning-

Top-Wow the entirety of the NY team has a major dick crush on Jason Marquis. Since when has a mediocre starter been this popular? Nick Adenhart? Darryl Kile? Well apparently Marquis didn't teach these guys hitting 'cuz they've banked 2 hits in 2 at bats....make that 3. Unfortunately, a double play takes two of those runners down and leaves a couple on second and third. Then a Greinke esque curveball K's some kid to finish the top. That's how you win games. Load the bases and then strikout and ground out. Someone has been watching the Royals a bit too much.

Bottom-I remember the day when these kids would announce Big Papi as their fav. Now it's Josh Hamilton and Chase Utley. Baseball is going backwards. As NY can't hit the strike zone, I think to myself, how hard is it to hit the mit at this age? These kids are almost 6 foot tall and pitching 3/4 closer than they should be. Yet, their accuracy is worse than Dick Cheney's. A walk and then a double assisted with an outfield bobble leads to second and third and no one out. Single and one run comes in, and a wild pitch heads to the backstop and another comes in. 2 K's and the Texans look to strand a runner so NY won't feel so bad. And they do. Solid strategy by the coaches.

Second Inning-

Top- Impressive play by the second basemen who dives with his 14" glove and hands it to the first baseman. This is what pisses me off in little league. The fields are way too small. I'm not saying it should be 90' bases, but at least make the field look like the players should be playing on it. Instead it looks like you have a field full of Yao Mings out there. Oh, and there was a 1 2 3 inning. Bleh

Bottom-Oh god no. They have a kid reporter talking to the damn kids. Where is Erin Andrews? That's the only reason the fathers come to Williamsport. Good god. New York's third baseman has to be Troy Glaus' son. He's bigger than an airforce base. Anyways there is 2 outs now and a runner on first. No one gives a shit about the outcome, but TX is up 2 nil. Double down the left field line brings in a run and brings the camera towards the fans. Who else gets pissed off when they show the parents? I mean, we fucking know your excited. It's a stipulation when your a parent. This is a long ass inning now. A two out rally produces two runs and two runners. It also produces the coach from the dugout to take out the kid who wont be sleeping for the next month. Newbie comes in and shuts 'em down.

Third Inning-

Top-This inning is so boring. Walk and then a single up the middle. This is just frustrating. I want some damn home runs. Shit, the bases are loaded now. Grand slam ties it up, but TX pegs a batter drawing in a run. There are no outs too. Double play and the inning finishes.

Bottom-Ugh, two and half innings is enough of this shit. I'm just splattering profanity on the page now. Maybe I'll do the international one so I can make fun of how awkward the other countries' kids are. Also, for anyone still reading, There will be a season preview for the college football season upcoming. Hopefully it will be entertaining. Don't get too damn excited though. It's just a preview. Just wait for a season recap. It'll blow your condom off.

Patriots-Bengals Live Blog(?)

This will be an abbreviated live blog for two reasons:

1. The NFL Network is only offering a brief live look once the game starts. I'm assuming they'll stick around long enough for a few Brady series.

2. I'm in Las Vegas for the night. Despite my intense Patriots fanship, I'm not retarded enough to spend the evening watching Matt Gutierrez Kevin O'Connell from my hotel room.

Plaxico Burress has been the primary talking point on the NFL network pregame show. I might feel bad for him, if this wasn't a perfect example of Karma. God doesn't like it when you ruin perfection. Neither do I. Enjoy your two years behind bars for the most laughable crime in recent history.

NFL Network shows a commercial with Jim Zorn speaking on consistency and success. This is about as reliable as Billy Mays doing an infomercial about sobriety.

4:40 - Okay, we're going live. It's 10 minutes past the 4:30 PST kickoff, so I have to assume the Bengals are receiving. No Palmer means no interest. I'm not complaining, I'd rather watch commercials than the Bungles without Carson. That's not a typo.

4:47 - We're now 17 minutes past the bottom of the hour, still no live-game jump by the NFL Network. I'm hitting the blackjack tables if the game isn't on by 5 p.m. Time is money, and if I'm not losing it on the casino floor, I'm sure as hell not losing it with Rod Woodson, Fran Charles and Jamie Dukes.

4:48 - Oh, Christ. John Madden interview. John Madden just took credit for starting the Madden video game - before video games existed. The creators of Space Invaders are vomiting in their mouths right now.

4:53 - Madden defends Favre's decision to play. The sun rises and sets. Shocker.

4:55 - Interview over! Charles teases a Pats-Bengals live look-in. Commercials. Agonizingly dull commercials by Dominoes, Taco Bell and Tire Rack. Gisele's tire rack.

5:00 - Are you fucking kidding me? Charles explains that there will be no live look-in because the Pats game went to commercial while, simultaneously, The Network went to commercial. This is by far the worst live blog ever. I sincerely apologize. Herm apologizes.

5:01 - Not all is lost - NFL Network feature on the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!

...Wait a tick...I'm in Vegas. Fuck this. I'm going to a titty bar.

Thanks for playing, viewers!