John Calipari, How I so Despise You.

I've been meaning to address this issue for a while now, but completely forgot as it was a friday story and the alcohol was calling. Now that it's back to the school week, I'm ready to put my full effort into it. Today's rant of furiosity: John Calipari.

Michigan Cheats-Still Suck

According to multiple sources from Michigan's football team in '08 and '09, the team has been flirting with NCAA violations right after the Lloyd (why the fuck does Lloyd need to L's?) Carr days. Now it's hit them with full force. The Michigan coaches were apparently practicing the team more than double what is allowed by the NCAA, and then listing those extra practice hours as 'injury prevention.' And you thought the state of Michigan couldn't look any worse. Probably the most disturbing part of this story though, is the fact that these practices actually made the team worse.

These accounts come from '08 and '09 which are the two major down seasons for the Wolverines. Sadly, the extra workout training proved useless when pined up against the likes of Appalachian State and Toledo. This makes for the worst kind of cheating, the kind that makes you degrade as a team. Now, Rich Rodriguez is going to have to explain himself. I mean, he broke the one rule you shouldn't break. It's the easiest one to get caught doing. That rule is probably the only rule in the book that is easy to understand, so there's no "I didn't know" excuse.

Really though, it's the Michigan fans that need an explanation. How can you work your team out more than double every other team, and then still lose nine games. There will be an investigation soon, most likely, and Ann Arbor is going to be swarmed with Rachael Nicholses. For all you students who choose Michigan for their sports prestige, maybe you should reconsider Michigan State. At least they have a basketball team.

Children of the Corn Sports

Everyone always wants to put 1+1 and make 3 when talking about athlete romances, but what about the potential couples that would make a fuckid? Well wait no longer, cause that day has arrived. Introducing the Children of the Sports.

Child most likely to be inebriated while driving.

Welcome our first couple, Diana Taurasi and Charles Barkley. Not one, but both of these two were stopped in Arizona for drunk driving, which suspended both of them from their jobs. Just imagine a drunk night in Phoenix where those two could create an illegitimate child. Not only would this kid have the basketball prowess of Oscar Robinson, but it would also have the liver of John Daly. The child might end up at a popular trans-gender basketball school, see Duke or North Carolina, and would rack up as many MIP's as ACC championships. Then would come pro-ball where domination on the court would become easy. Getting off drunk driving charges would be the hard part, and would eventually land this kid in jail, and out of the league indefinitely. Well, at least until there was a somber press conference and commitment to stop drinking the juice in the way of Josh Hamilton. Then a relapse 3 years later, and on to broadcasting.

Child most likely to suck on the media's tit.

No question would this kid's father be Brett Farve. The companion is a bit less obvious, but Maria Sharapova makes a solid mother 'figure'. Not only does she flaunt her amazing physique on the court, but she also portrays it in multiple magazines and TV appearances. And during the NFL draft this year she leaped into the limelight to guest star as the fashion designer for Matt Stafford's shoot for ESPN the mag. Not to mention, she is also in those canon commercials where she takes pictures of her dog, when every guy is thinking she should be doing a Rihanna. Then add Farve to that and you have a media hogging asshole/bitch (depending on gender). The kid would probably end up in soccer carrying the US to the semis of the World Cup as one of the best midfielders in the world. He/she would grab endorsements from America and across seas landing a spot on your television every other commercial. And if you think Brett Farve's flip flopping was bad, just think about a soccer pariah flipping and flopping from the MLS and Europe every year. All of Bristol, Connecticut would implode from all of the media fireworks. Imagine David Beckham and multiply it by 500,000 and that's what you would get. Then a sudden retirement to go into the film business, and crash any hope of American soccer becoming world renowned.

Child most likely to 'enhance'

A gay couple would make the best child for enhancing. Maybe say A-Rod and Shawn Merriman, but since gay marriage is illegal (in Kansas) I would be reprimanded. So, this lead me another route, a route that runs through Marion Jones. If you remember, she won 3 golds in track and field in the Sidney Olympics in 2000, only to have them revoked in 2007 because of illegal doping. And the company that paved the way to this scandal, no one other than BALCO. This is where the father enters with his abnormally large cerebellum and chiseled pecs. Barry Bonds would make for steroided out dad. Their kid would begin it's life with a drugged birth to subdue the pain of labor. Then the kid, instead of being breast fed, would get a bottle of whey protein. Around age 5 the kid would begin extensive workouts on Venice beach, where it would later meet governor Schwarzenegger. With a solid HGH-ed idol in his/her head, he/she would begin a regular regiment of cream and clear before and after he/she worked out. Barry would enroll the kid into a football league and would excel as the fastest and strongest running back in California. The kid would be drafted after it's junior year at USC and go #1 only to shatter his/her ACL in training camp, and return 3 weeks later, stronger than before. Lil' Bonds would break records at the running back position, only to have those erased a week after the season because of a positive test for steroids. Of course, being the little Jones-Bond's kid that he/she is, lil' bonds would deny the accusations to the point that no team would sign him/her, effectively ending lil' bonds' career.

What?! No Word Yet from Erin Calipari

So, as many college fans have also found out today, Memphis was hit with some fire from the NCAA today. According to them, Memphis failed to exist in 2008, joining the '96 UMASS team in the black hole of college sports seasons. But wait. There was something familiar about these two instances. Was it the the fact that they are both mid-major? No. Hmmm. Was it the lack of white people? Absolutely not. UMASS is stacked with white folks. Damn what was that one common denominator?
Oh yeah, John Calipari. The man with the Don Draper salesman hairstyle. The one that took two different mid-major teams to the final four, only to have those teams erased from existence. The one that currently resides at the winning-est basketball school in America. Yeah, that John Calipari.

Yet, Calipari goes entirely unharmed throughout all the allegations. Either he is the best cover up man since Antonio Pierce, or the NCAA is afraid to sanction a coach at one of the most important basketball schools in the nation. Either way he must be locked up. Restricted from the land of 21 ft. three pointers. He brings out what we all hate in college basketball, which is Italians.

Also, on a semi-side note, Erin Calipari usually has a witty response to accusations about her dad and right now she is silent. I'm watching and waiting and praying for that status update.