Perm's Portrait - NFC championship dreams

As most of you know, the NFC championship game has played out like the television ratings would have liked. Vikings and Saints are doin it dirty in the south this weekend, and although the Vikings trio (Rice, Peterson, and Favre) carried me to a championship in my fantasy league, there is no need for me to affiliate with SexBoats anymore. Thank god for that.

Twitter Feed Cements 2009: Year of the Front-Running Douchebag

As if all the douchebaggery wasn't apparent in the photos floating around the various news outlets today, lo and behold, we have our douchebag du jour firing up his Twitter feed.

Is this guy anyone important? No. Does crude stuff like this happen on the internet all the time? Yes. But let this serve as a reminder that this is what we all have to look forward to until next October. Further more, the front-running asshats of the world have had quite the year.

Hopefully, this doesn't cast a cloud over the prospect of having an enjoyable 2010. Wait, they are talking about WHO for an MVP?

Fuck.

Junior Seau is like Brett Favre, but Less Douchey

Casting aside the unnecessary media frenzy and John Kerry-like flip-flopping, Junior Seau is un-retiring (or "graduating," as he calls it) for the umpteenth time. Straight up.

Seau, known for his world-famous piggyback rides, obliges for an Abigail Breslin look-alike

Seau returns, as he seemingly does every year, to provide the Patriot's defense intangibles like old age (experience), a USC presence (winner's mentality) and a never-quit attitude (third un-retiring). In no way is this a reactionary move by the Pats after being torched for 330 yards by the formidable Kyle Orton.

Lamar Odom's Wedding Reeks of Class

This weekend marked the biggest event in the history of irrelevance since an Asian man and a blonde whore had eight kids, got their own TV program and then went splittsville.

Lamar Odom showed up for his wedding ceremony with Khloe Kardashian (more than you can say for half of the past Lakers season) and got "married." That term should be used more loosely than a Brett Favre "retirement."

The theme of the wedding appeared to be casual/who fucking cares, which is reflected in many of the guests' attire. It's also reflective of the feelings that the newlyweds have for each other. Pictures after the jump.

Sundy Night Football Live Blog Chicago @ Green Bay

After a rowdy 13 games to start off the '09 NFL season, both Sexcapade and Bubb are leading their respective fantasy leagues, with insane point totals. 122 on the Rubb side with all his games finished and with two receivers and a kicker to go 20K is thriving with 118. Needless to say, we are both excited for the upcoming months with great starts. I am specifically excited to see if Wes Welker and Vince Jackson can pull me up to an astonishing 150 points.

I plan on taking a shot of Gin for every point away from my goal I don't get. Robbie Gould can help my sobriety, by smashing extra points and pin pointing a few 50 yard field goals. So this is where we begin out coverage, half hour outside of a great Sunday night game, hoping that Jay Cutler has enough insulin to get him into field goal range, and then falter, while diabetic coma stunts Da Bears offense, at the 35 yard line. Remember, no more Madden, so no repetitive offensive line comments and redundant coaching anecdotes. Just friendly Chris Collinsworth action. Bubb will most likely join me somewhere between the first cheese head viewing and the 9th Brett fucking Farve reference.

COLLEGE FOOT-A-PALOOZA

Yes, yes. All of you need to simmer the fuck down. It's still one more day til the big day. Thursday the third of September doesn't just represent the day my rent is due. It does represent something that's been due for the past eight and a half months. Yes, it's Boise State football, er, college football in general. Schools in the top twenty five have their heads in the BCS cloud and will most likely be rained on thanks to the storm that is the BCS system. Since it's never too early to begin complaining about the BCS, that even the President loathes, I figure it's a solid time to start.

But first, some Jay-Z.

listen while watching lou holtz below

Yes, we are stuck in an "Empire State of mind" when it comes to the BCS. We have to deal with the empire that governs our beloved college football, and without even an Alicia Keys hook. Either way the problem should have been solved years ago, and even with lawsuits abound, it still lives on like a reoccurring nightmare (aka Brett fucking Farve). We need change. We have a cappuccino black president, and Weeds is the best show on TV. The world wants revolution, and I'm going to bring it to them, in the form of a blog with low readership.

 

make that improved readership

Wouldn't college football be better off drawing out of a hat? At least it would make for an interesting selection night. Because, we have the media voting on the BCS, we already know what is going to happen. This is where things need to be changed. There should be no locks in the bowl games. The top teams should make the BCS, and not Cincinnati. Of course, a tournament solves the problem for the championship, but we still need to fix the entry form. This is an easy fix if you consider just pushing the burden off on to an NCAA tournament selection committee. Seems like I've heard that before, somewhere.

Then obviously the tournament format would have to be decided on. There are about four to five weeks during the conference championships and national championship right now. That basically eliminates a tourney system of greater than 16. 16, though, is too many games, and doesn't reward the teams that have dominated all season. 12 seems solid, except it still leaves two many teams in, taking away TV money, and media attention away from the schools. 11 and 12 can enjoy a splendid cotton bowl game.

Then we come to 10 teams. I actually came up with this last year. This system would have two play in games between the 10-7 teams and then rewarding the top six with a bye. There would be no conference automatic bids 'cuz if you can beat your conference, you should make the tourney. If not, then clearly your team didn't do enough. If you have an undefeated season you will make the tourney no doubt.  Then the teams go at it for 4 weeks and the best team wins. Problem fucking solved. The money would still be there and it would be fair and even, yes even for you Utes.

There will be a sex boat load more of posts from here, and on through the weekend about the awesome games, the drankin, and the outcomes of said games and drankin.  Enjoy it, 'cuz just like sex with Megan Fox, it only comes once.

Children of the Corn Sports

Everyone always wants to put 1+1 and make 3 when talking about athlete romances, but what about the potential couples that would make a fuckid? Well wait no longer, cause that day has arrived. Introducing the Children of the Sports.

Child most likely to be inebriated while driving.

Welcome our first couple, Diana Taurasi and Charles Barkley. Not one, but both of these two were stopped in Arizona for drunk driving, which suspended both of them from their jobs. Just imagine a drunk night in Phoenix where those two could create an illegitimate child. Not only would this kid have the basketball prowess of Oscar Robinson, but it would also have the liver of John Daly. The child might end up at a popular trans-gender basketball school, see Duke or North Carolina, and would rack up as many MIP's as ACC championships. Then would come pro-ball where domination on the court would become easy. Getting off drunk driving charges would be the hard part, and would eventually land this kid in jail, and out of the league indefinitely. Well, at least until there was a somber press conference and commitment to stop drinking the juice in the way of Josh Hamilton. Then a relapse 3 years later, and on to broadcasting.

Child most likely to suck on the media's tit.

No question would this kid's father be Brett Farve. The companion is a bit less obvious, but Maria Sharapova makes a solid mother 'figure'. Not only does she flaunt her amazing physique on the court, but she also portrays it in multiple magazines and TV appearances. And during the NFL draft this year she leaped into the limelight to guest star as the fashion designer for Matt Stafford's shoot for ESPN the mag. Not to mention, she is also in those canon commercials where she takes pictures of her dog, when every guy is thinking she should be doing a Rihanna. Then add Farve to that and you have a media hogging asshole/bitch (depending on gender). The kid would probably end up in soccer carrying the US to the semis of the World Cup as one of the best midfielders in the world. He/she would grab endorsements from America and across seas landing a spot on your television every other commercial. And if you think Brett Farve's flip flopping was bad, just think about a soccer pariah flipping and flopping from the MLS and Europe every year. All of Bristol, Connecticut would implode from all of the media fireworks. Imagine David Beckham and multiply it by 500,000 and that's what you would get. Then a sudden retirement to go into the film business, and crash any hope of American soccer becoming world renowned.

Child most likely to 'enhance'

A gay couple would make the best child for enhancing. Maybe say A-Rod and Shawn Merriman, but since gay marriage is illegal (in Kansas) I would be reprimanded. So, this lead me another route, a route that runs through Marion Jones. If you remember, she won 3 golds in track and field in the Sidney Olympics in 2000, only to have them revoked in 2007 because of illegal doping. And the company that paved the way to this scandal, no one other than BALCO. This is where the father enters with his abnormally large cerebellum and chiseled pecs. Barry Bonds would make for steroided out dad. Their kid would begin it's life with a drugged birth to subdue the pain of labor. Then the kid, instead of being breast fed, would get a bottle of whey protein. Around age 5 the kid would begin extensive workouts on Venice beach, where it would later meet governor Schwarzenegger. With a solid HGH-ed idol in his/her head, he/she would begin a regular regiment of cream and clear before and after he/she worked out. Barry would enroll the kid into a football league and would excel as the fastest and strongest running back in California. The kid would be drafted after it's junior year at USC and go #1 only to shatter his/her ACL in training camp, and return 3 weeks later, stronger than before. Lil' Bonds would break records at the running back position, only to have those erased a week after the season because of a positive test for steroids. Of course, being the little Jones-Bond's kid that he/she is, lil' bonds would deny the accusations to the point that no team would sign him/her, effectively ending lil' bonds' career.

Baseball is Still Going on?

Hidden under all the drama of punted footballs ricocheting off scoreboards and Florida's unanimous number one ranking are the 31 points the Red Sox and Yankee's put up last night. Brad Penny lead the way for the Sox with 8 runs earned. Wait, runs are bad? Well Mike Bowden did even worse 'cuz he helped propel the Yankee's to 15 runs by allowing 7 more runs after Penny. 7 runs in 2 innings. Man, I thought Chin Ming Wang was bad at the beginning of the year. And the nuclear explosions aren't just being held on Friday night. Currently Boston has racked up 7 runs on 6 hits in 3 in 1/2 innings of play. And to think, the new Yankee stadium was the one that was giving hitters a helping hand. Hell, who needs football when baseball is acting like the early 2000's again? Nobody... except Brett fucking Farve.

BRETT FARVE, Sorry Caps Lock is a Bitch

Ugh. I can't believe what I'm doing right now. It's Friday night and instead of going out and drinking Brett Farve brain cells out of my head, I am stuck giving you a live blog about the aforementioned Farve. Of course, a $-76.35 balance in my bank account contributes to this, but don't feel bad for me. Feel good for my dad 'cuz he is in the Metrodome right now witnessing.....Jamaal Charles. Just let me wallow in my poor life. Hopefully this somber mood will make for an aggressive game log.

Holy Crap. Todd Haley's hat is redder than Miley Cyrus' cherry. Oh wait. Her imaginary cherry. This one is gonna be good.

First Quarter

14:44-With Vick back in the league, Cassel decided he needed to show the world he is the most dominant running quarterback in the world. 10 yards and a first down after breaking the pressure.

12:06-Know how I said Jamaal Charles earlier? Well, maybe I shouldn't have 'cuz he just took a spill behind the line and rolled the ball into the secondary. This is your 2009 Kansas City Chiefs. On comes the Vamp.

10:32-Brett has two horrendous throws, one of which was somehow caught by Percy Harvin, a yard short of the first down. Big balls Brad Childress throws Adrian Peterson out there for a 4th down play and Jared Page spikes into Peterson's waist 2 yards back. The Chiefs 2009 defense=Badass. Chiefs 2009 offensive line=permeable.

8:01-Did hell just freeze over, 'cuz Dwayne Bowe actually caught a ball that he was supposed to. Unfortunately, Cassel was 2 yards past the line of scrimmage on the toss. Somehow after the review though, the play still stood. If only these refs where reviewing Derrick Rose's SAT score, Memphis might have existed in 2008.

5:08-Farve has still missed every throw. 1-3 with no accuracy on any of them. 3rd down and 9 and Corey Mays runs free into Farve's chest. Probably not a good thing for an old man. I would be surprised if he was on the field next drive. Oh and that last 'pass' ended up half way to Bernard Berrian, making the vampire 1-4. I think you would be more accurate flicking the ball off your erected penis, than having Farve passing.

2:00-This has to be close to the 9th time Cassel has had less than 2 seconds to throw the ball. It's impossible for any one to make a read in those conditions and those conditions cause 4th down. Succop goes on and makes a field goal. Wow that's a first. Making field goals. You would think we are talking about the Giants not the Chiefs. 3-0 KC.

:15-Tavaris Jackson appears and shows off his run and throw ability, but 5 yards past the line of scrimmage. Refs don't miss this one. If I were a Minnesota fan I would be screaming racism. Or maybe "How fucking dumb are you Tavaris?."

Herm Spotting- Coors light employs some former frat fellas to ask Herm questions while Herm is in 2002 telling them that "you play to win the game. HELLO." His face at the end of this commercial is priceless.


Second Quarter

12:10-Haley has this offense moving now. And by moving I mean Cassel, 'cuz the line is so terrible that they can't have the 40 million dollar man sitting in the pocket. Overall though, Cassel is making solid passes, unfortunately they all have to be on the run.

11:02-Dwayne Bowe continues to mesmerize everyone with his second and third catch, one of which was for a touchdown. Not to mention, he blocked down field for a 16 yard run. Maybe I don't hate him anymore. Or maybe Haley is that good of a wide receivers coach. 10-0 Chiefs.

9:52-Adrian Peterson is still good. Just in case you were wondering whether or not to draft him #1. He dragged Brandon Flowers for 8 yards. Then went on the other side of the field and dragged Derrick Johnson for 3. The man is unstoppable. Thank god it's not an Oklahoma game 'cuz it would be that damn fight song every two fucking plays. Someone just needs to shoot one of the trumpet players in the band every time the song starts. I imagine they would stop if they were getting Virginia Tech-ed. This is not what I should be talking about. As you can tell it's a pre-season game.

5:24-The Chiefs running defense has become softer than Vanessa Hudgen's breasts. I'll just link it for you so you don't catch any viruses. HERE. NSFW. The Vikings are penetrating into the red zone. Hitting the Chiefs below the belt, if you know what I mean...Oh who am I kidding your still looking at the picture.

2:18-Tavaris rolls out and tosses the ball like he tosses salad and Vincanthe Shiancoe receives the touchdown pass. Wait, that makes no sense. 10-7 Chiefs.

:47-Dustin Colquitt bombs a punt within the 10. Impressive enough for me to say he is the Chiefs most talented player at their position this year. Especially with the trade of Tony Gonzalez. And now, with this live blog reaching the point where I am complimenting the punter, it's clearly time for me to quit. Plus, the starters are done, and only the family of the players on the field care right now. The only thing we can take from the first half is that Brett Farve is worse than both of his backups. So, an 82 ranking on Madden 10 might be just a bit of an overstatement. Especially at age 39.

Permcast Part Dos: Unqualified Quarterbacks, Mike Vick's Cats and Our First Special Guest

You're trapped in a shitbox Nissan Altima, making the cross country trek back to college. The backseat is so crammed with suitcases, pillows, bedsheets and debt that you must assume the fetal position to fit. Salvation comes in the form of the radio, but it broadcasts only two stations: Country and Brett Favre. There's no gun. What do you do?

I don't fucking care. Listen to Permcast dos. Maybe it will tell you.

This week's guest: Blair Kelley. He's a Hardass.

Well, ESPN Now has Some New Programing

Poor Tavaris Jackson. The kid was showing so much promise. He was only a few more snaps away from becoming a legend. If only he could hit his receivers as well as he does the turf, the Vikings would have been set. But of course, the dead have risen again. Brett fucking Farve, quite possibly his middle name by now, has caused more commotion in his years of flip-flop retirement than the entire Bush administration.
He's back again and at this point has lost all speaking credibility. Even if Brett were to tell me he eats bagels in the morning to the tune of Bruce Springsteen, I wouldn't believe him. In fact, I don't even believe he wanted to come back for football. He just wasn't happy being out of the spotlight. Of course now this is a huge story for ESPN, who already has a 3 o'clock "Outside the Lines" special set up, almost as if they were expecting it.

Since I'm in the mood to speculate today, it would almost appear that Brett is working for ESPN. The leaders in Bristol probably realized they were losing their audiences when the top story was a college baseball player signing with the least recognizable team in the league. That's when they grabbed the hotline to Brett Farve. Now it's chaos.

The power begins to shift to the NFC north, where there are three new quarterbacks. The conference is becoming a neck and neck race for the title, well excluding the Simbas. Chicago's and Green Bay's only shot now is to start wielding stakes to put through Farve's heart. Cause then and only then will the demon be defeated. Or maybe have his "on the side" girlfriend pull a murder suicide. Seems to be popular these days.