Oh Dick's, you leave so many holes in your story

I had to show this for multiple reasons, all of which will be explained in just a second. First I want to start off by saying, seriously, why the fuck Dick's? Why the fucking name? Are you that desperate for attention that you named your palace of guys Dick's? And if you are in such a need for marketing material, then why the fuck do you make commercials like this. I digress..

Everybody Wang chung tonight

Today, in a desperate attempt to bolster their pitching, the Nationals added Wang. Chien-Ming that is. Of course, the Wang jokes were aplenty at the nations capitol today. At the press conference, head coach Jim Riggleman had a few words to ejaculate in.

"We've had our eye out for Wang the last few months of the season," Riggleman said "I'm just glad we satisfied that need now."

Riggleman, who's last name also has it's own joke provoking ability, was glad he could dish out the Wang instead of receive it this time.

A lesson in the art of entertainment

You all suck. Like, what the hell is wrong with you? When did people stop enjoying being entertained?

Shut the fuck up about steroids. Do you know why the NFL is the most popular league in the country? Because guys like Shawne Merriman can use steroids, only get suspended for four games, come back and continue to rip guys’ heads off, and NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK. You know why no one gives a flying fuck? Because what would the NFL be without guys getting as juiced up as they possibly can? I’ll tell you what it would be: it would be shitty. Fucking terrible. I don’t want to watch that shit in HD.

The same goes for baseball. Do you know what baseball would be without performance-enhancing drugs? It would be the 2009 Cubs. I fucking wish Geovany Soto would use ‘roids. Instead, he uses twinkies. And marijuana. Neither of which enhances any kind of baseball performance. At all. And you know what? It fucking sucks to watch. He looks like a sloth behind the plate.

OH MY GOD, MARK MCGWIRE USED STEROIDS! Let’s say he didn’t use steroids. And Sammy Sosa didn’t use steroids. And, as a result, let’s say neither hit more than 52 homers in 1998. That would have absolutely sucked.

What most of you are telling me, though, is that you would rather that awesome home run chase never happened. You would rather Craig Counsel and Ryan Theriot be the faces of the league. Fuck you. You’re idiots.

Is it a coincidence that the best baseball players of our generation also happened to be ‘roiding? FUCK and NO. Barry Bonds, McGwire, Roger Clemens, A-Rod, Manny. They were or are all fun to watch. I don’t care if they injected themselves with Roger Maris’ sperm or sprinkled themselves with Tony LaRussa’s magic pixie dust.

Draw a line in the record books. Make a new section of the Hall of Fame. I don’t give a shit. But SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Hey it's you (steroid user)... MCMUFFIN!

Mark McGwire and his 400 inch biceps today shockingly admitted to using steroids, completing the rule breaking record breaker circle. This just adds him to the list with Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Jason Grimsley.

"I hid it (steroid abuse) from everybody," he said, but he wouldn't be done exposing his secrets just there.

"I also want to admit, also, that the earth is, in fact, round, and not flat as we all origionally assumed." Shocking quotes from the 90's slugger, but he still wasn't done.

Twitter Feed Cements 2009: Year of the Front-Running Douchebag

As if all the douchebaggery wasn't apparent in the photos floating around the various news outlets today, lo and behold, we have our douchebag du jour firing up his Twitter feed.

Is this guy anyone important? No. Does crude stuff like this happen on the internet all the time? Yes. But let this serve as a reminder that this is what we all have to look forward to until next October. Further more, the front-running asshats of the world have had quite the year.

Hopefully, this doesn't cast a cloud over the prospect of having an enjoyable 2010. Wait, they are talking about WHO for an MVP?

Fuck.

The Majors are Looking for Neegroes?

What's this World Sear-ees tonight? Is it some sort of Sears ploy to push their hastily made Brett fucking Favre commercials on us? Oh, it's baseball. Who knew. Supposedly this so called entertainment, pins the Chase Utleys against the Nick Swisha Houses. Of course, for anyone not approximately 100 miles from the Atlantic Ocean, you have no stake in this. Congratulations baseball, no one gives a shit anymore. You just cemented that fact with a series between two teams that are a 10 dollar bus ticket away from each other. Well done. The best part of this whole thing is that we all know this was the plan all along.

Baseball is Still Going on?

Hidden under all the drama of punted footballs ricocheting off scoreboards and Florida's unanimous number one ranking are the 31 points the Red Sox and Yankee's put up last night. Brad Penny lead the way for the Sox with 8 runs earned. Wait, runs are bad? Well Mike Bowden did even worse 'cuz he helped propel the Yankee's to 15 runs by allowing 7 more runs after Penny. 7 runs in 2 innings. Man, I thought Chin Ming Wang was bad at the beginning of the year. And the nuclear explosions aren't just being held on Friday night. Currently Boston has racked up 7 runs on 6 hits in 3 in 1/2 innings of play. And to think, the new Yankee stadium was the one that was giving hitters a helping hand. Hell, who needs football when baseball is acting like the early 2000's again? Nobody... except Brett fucking Farve.