OOOOOOOOHHHHH SNAP

These aren't the vacations you would like to receive from the NCAA. Certainly not. Talk about potentially throwing away all three years of Matt Barkley. USC is more fucked than Lawrence Taylor's prison roommate.

Then again, they do have all the private institutional money to just launder out to the NCAA committee to help combat the years of lesser scholarships and post game appearances. And maybe they could levy their argument with some sex from the call song girls.

 Get wet ladies. Get nice and wet.

USC has a good running back. HO–HUM

You'd think, well Pete Carrol is done so they suck now right? NO. Shove that idea right back up your nostril and rethink it. Here's why. (Fast forward to the :45 second mark)



Poor Pac-10. This is the backup running back. You might as well give up. Hell, Oregon is already trying to give up. This means that Bubb can go back to gloating his prized football tradition again... if he ever writes here again. **cough cough***

As for the rest of the country, you also better prepare the rape kit. Remember that hay day for USC football. Their coaches are there now, and are pissed. Not sure what at, I mean, it's goddamn sunny and 70 every day there. AND NO TORNADOES!

Anyways, give Matt Barkley the sophmore talent increase (which excludes players that should have taken that basketball scholarship **cough Terrelle Pryor cough**) and the USC running back firtility pool and you are looking at one of the best teams in the nation. Fucking assholes.

At KU, we have to drag non scholarship basketball players onto the practice field to create a little competition. God, fuck football, but GO EQUAL OPPORTUNITY!

Los Angeles – the city of missing pro sports.

Many are mourning the loss of Pete Carrol in Bubbville, but some assholes still find it decent to make fun of the situation. Mainly, Pete Carroll (video after the jump, because the fucking host is fucking gay as shit and won't let me do it on this front page goddammit)

Perm's Portraits - Lane Shittin

Rappers love to shit on others. Just ask Lil Wayne. His shit jokes fire off freely like Kobe Bryant jumpshots. He's never afraid, but it's actually Kanye who encompasses everything that went down in Tennessee.

The Perfect Storm 2: Pete Who?

All is quiet on the Northwest front. Nary a tweet, facebook status update or old-fashioned media comment from new Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll about his replacements. Could it be because he's already too busy relaxing in his bathtub full of $100 bills, brainstorming ways to work around his quarterback downgrade from M. Barkley? Maybe. The more likely scenario is that he's using those hundos to mop his piss off the floor, after realizing that USC's new coaching staff will expose the fact that he, and not his henchmen, was actually the most replaceable element of the equation.

SARS: Fuck My Life.

Excuse me. I'm drowning my life in a 6-3 record. Taylor  Mays man-crush? A joke.

If I had a basketball team with Zav-YAY Henry, I'd be okay. Not all fans can enjoy this shit. Two All-Americans and a freshman phenom? Slam me over the head with a shovel. Here you go anyway.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 7/ Preseason

 This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

Tonight is opening of college basketball in Lawrence, KS. It's the famous Late Night in the Phog. Headlining, a boxing match up between the football teams and basketball teams, as well as a drunk driving challenge between Brady Morningstar and Chase Buford (may or may not be real).

This begining of the basketball season means two things. First, is that Kansas will be the top school in the nation, and one of the only two that have ranked football and basketball teams. Second is that Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse will begin lacing basketball in to football like cocaine into cookie dough. Sure, cookies are good by themselves, but wouldn't you want to have chocolate chip cookies that numb up your entire mouth? ABSOLUTELY. So, that's what your getting here, the tasty deliciousness of recently cooked college football with the dopamine levels of college basketball. So enjoy the brand new fresh batch of FASA (with brand new LOGO).

Suicide Notes: Aaron Corp

It's Thursday, and it's a great day to ponder suicide, waddya think? It's sunny and 71 with a slight chance of depression and a 100 percent chance of Xanax in Aaron Corp's future. In fact, there could be quite a few other pills joining the Xanax in his system after a horrible last week. (BING) Oh, an email, wonder who it could possibly be. Wow, it's Aaron Corp, and it's his suicide letter. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!. Well, since I disclose everything to the public, including criminal records and gay tests (yes, it's a real thing) here you go.

Message from Aaron Corp:

Dear God, (How did he forward this to god, and then why did god forward this to me?)

USC INSIDER: Chris Galippo Feature Tease

Sorry, but I refuse to sacrifice my insight into the Trojans' program, despite the disheartening loss suffered (technically) yesterday. The article, in full, will appear after its publication in the game program against Wazzu this upcoming weekend.

Hopefully it will be a win. Hopefully you will enjoy. As a preview, here is the picture of the person featured in the feature.
Redundant? Yeah.
Entertaining? I fucking hope so.


Just look at that tongue. Jordan-esque? Abso-fucking-lutely. If you don't know Galippo, you will. He will blow up faster than the Hindenburg and Hiroshima combined.

Corp can only set us back so far. Barkley will lead us to the promise land, in spite of the heretic's attempts to set us back. Tebow is but only a symbol that can and will be demolished by the rest of the collegiate field, freshman or otherwise.

In Barkley We Trust. And an equally emphatic: FUCK AARON CORP.

PermCast: Reactions to a Victory #3 over #8

The picture says it all for Ohio State Fans. "We only have football going for us here in the Midwest and you damn Californioners come here and take that away :(" First of all, OSU is still just as bad as last years team, overrated in every position. Playing the likes of Michigan State and Northwestern your team looks good similar to the girls who hangout with the fugly friend to make her look Natalie Portman-ish. Second of all,

Jay Mariotti's Reporting, Word Choice a Complete Turn-Off

Several months ago, when Bill Simmons hosted Rick Reilly on his podcast clash-of-the-egomaniacal-ESPN.com-front-page-columnists, he established his stance as a dissenter of the media receiving special, superior-to-the-everyday-fan treatment.

Aside from the pre- and post-game field and press access, I completely agree. Especially after reading Jay Mariotti's opening line in his latest column about USC's opener against San Jose State.

"The afternoon sun was orgasmic, framing the Memorial Coliseum in a California daydream as the USC band played its triumphant post-game march."

Orgasmic? Well, I suppose from the shaded and air-conditioned press box, Jay's accommodations probably felt more luxurious than Megan Fox's insides.

But for the true fans, who endured three hours devoid of any shade, with the exception of a blimp shadow that occasionally passed over the side of the Coliseum opposite the student section, I can conjure only two instances in which the sun resembled and orgasm:

1. Following Joe McKnight's 50-yard TD scamper, I sprayed my nearly-full $5 water in the air like a sprinkler of skeet. Only later did I realize the metaphorical implications of the action I had just performed.

2. In the process of orgasming, the sun also spread syphilis or some other STD that causes intense burning. I forgot to wear protection. One man's pleasure is another man's...melanoma?

Jay Mariotti, however, experienced neither of these events. As a fellow member of the media (The Perm is fast-approaching Mariotti-like readership), I had the option of watching the game in the press box or in the stands. If you read my post following the game, you saw which one I chose.

Half of the live game-watching experience is the ambiance created by spending it among the thousands of fans in attendance. If Jay Mariotti experiences an orgasm from watching a game 100 in an isolated, climate-controlled sanctuary among his press peers, it might be hazardous to the players if he gets within ten feet of the gridiron/diamond/hardwood (ha!) without wearing a rubber.

Mariotti's statement is probably just a hyperbolic lapse in word choice. However, if Mariotti describes anything as orgasmic - other than Woody Paige's facial expressions - on his next Around the Horn appearance, I'll expect a hefty fine from ESPN. The Worldwide Leader is no place for inappropriate, misleading language.

United We Stand, Divided We Fall: Herman Edwards' Perm.

To 20k:

I did not take the time to read the transcription of our text messages. No doubt, they are endlessly laughable.

[Edit]: And holy shit they are. There's a very good chance this will become a Saturday tradition. Maybe we'll go live with it. You would be so lucky.

I did, however, read your response to my "BIG 12 IS SOFT post" and reviewed the statements. Your statements. That belong - with all due respect - alongside my archived anti-Whitlock blog in the hall of "What The Fuck Is This Incoherent, Uninterpretable, Moonshine-Induced Bullshit."

Let's discuss USC running backs' inability to move, as you so eloquently put it.
No, fuck that. "Discuss" is far too engaging. Let's screenshot some evidence:

The proof is in the pudding badass NFL prospects who've proven themselves in the one-through-five slots. We're Tailback U for a reason.

Moving on.

The only fans happy about OU's embarrassment in Arlington, or the "upset" in Dallas' stadium, are Mormons (repetitive, I know), Longorns and, of course, the BAMFs of Troy.

Shitting on OklaHOMO aside, I'm far too lazy to compare the Big 10's 11's overall schedule to the Big 12's. However, we know that KU traditionally organizes out-of-conference games against high schools. So those "easy" Big 10 wins come as frequently as those in the Big 12.

Except for the anomalies played in Jerry Jones' stadium against MORMONS. Those clearly aren't as easy.

I'm in full agreement with the sarcastic BCS statement - this will surely be a year of controversy, as is every year where teams receive sponsorship from Fiestas, Banks, Fruit or glucose insurance.

But I'm expressing complete disagreement with your hesitant statement supporting Les Miles. An Eight point win against a team that won ZERO games last year and currently employs TWO former USC assistants? That's a ballsy contradiction. Ballsy like betting Usain Bolt to beat Rodrick Stewart after his recuperative 2008 Alamo Dome knee-surgery rehab.

Let's conclude with a picture of a TRUE FRESHMAN quarterback who racked up more yards against a six-win D-1 team than a SENIOR did against a one-win D-1AA team. Did I mention the freshman's tailbacks also gained MORE yards on FEWER carries?



JESUS, I'm a douchebag.

GQ Identifies 25 Douchiest Colleges; Irony for GQ Readers Ensues

USC places 16th on the list because of our giant sunglasses. We're sorry that all of our students are blinded by each others' beauty.

KU did not make the list, probably because it rains too much in Kansas Kansans are too angry about their hideousness to put any effort into practicing douchebaggery.


Seriously, being a douche is hard work. Just ask GJay Cutler.

Herman Edwards' Perm is Giving Away Tickets to the 3-D USC-Ohio State Game at the Galen Center

I'm going to pretend like this is your first time on the site, which I obviously know it isn't. We're way too popular. Anyway, we reported last week that USC and Taylor Mays will appear in 3-D at the Galen Center when they battle Ohio State on Sept. 12. Since you were all too lazy to get off your keisters and pick up tickets for the event, the Perm has decided to bail you out. Here are the deets:

The best two comments on Herm's Perm posts, both past and present, will be rewarded with free tickets. If you post anonymously, sign your name or moniker at the bottom with an email address. Feel free to comment via text, video, photoshopped picture of Terrell Pryor being mutilated by Traveler - whatever you think will set yourself apart.

We will announce the winners on September 8, at which point we will ask them to email me (Bubb Rubb) to coordinate the ticket exchange.

Ground Rules:
1. The same person can win all of the tickets. This means if you have enough wit, sarcasm and creativity to impress Herm Edwards TWICE, then more power to you, ya cocky fuck.

2. Sullying the name of Herm Edwards is grounds for disqualification. Everything else is fair game.

That's it. Vaya con dios.

Great Athletes Should Never be Considered Students. Ever.

For once, I will defend Tim Tebow. Jesus 2.0, if you will, is taking one class as a senior. As one Jew, to an incarnation of another, Mazel Tov.


Athletes like Tebow, especially at public universities, should never be considered "student-athletes." Tebow is a "true" senior - as in, he never served as a redshirt and still found a way to play football and graduate within four years. Matt Leinart, who won 37 games in 39 starts during a three year span, served as a redshirt throughout his tenure as a staple in the USC offense. As a fifth-year senior, it's perfectly acceptable to finish his education with one class. Lane Kiffin approves, and he's a BOSS.

But Tebow...after just four years? Is Florida a bunch of downed syndromes? Yes, they are. BUT, Tebow shouldn't be considered a student in the first place. Enrolling in general education classes about the history of Bill Cosby's Nigerian heritage have little relevance to Tebow's skills as a PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. Although he chooses to bestow his knowledge upon audiences that could give a fuck less, his primary education is FOOTBALL.

The NFL lacks a system where legitimate athletes, who have no motivation to LEARN AND EDUCATE THEMSELVES, have an avenue to develop their physical skills sans the academic bullshit. AFL? Bankrupt. CFL? Big Brother-Controlled Pussy Shit.

I'm still clueless as to how Tebow is finishing his education in, essentially, three and a half years. Typical educations require 120 credits to graduate, which includes UF. That means in his first 3.5 years, Tebow took an average of approximately 17 credits per semester. Well...if you can juggle that with an Urban Meyer practice schedule and maintain a 3.77, then call me Schiavo and enroll me as a major in family, youth and community sciences.

Any critics of the system need to reevaluate the situation. I will forever be an advocate of athletes who bring their game to the collegiate level for the sole purpose of continuing their education to continue professionally. AS AN ATHLETE. These people have little reason for engaging in the classroom drivel. They are here to become professional SPORTSMEN. Not professional ACADEMICS. Throw footballs, shoot basketballs and hit baseballs. If you can't make it to a professional level, get an education. Yes, that goes for you water polo, soccer, track/field, poker and billiards players. If you're not a member of the latter group, fuck the books, lectures and general intellectual hoopla. It's cockamamie horseshit. Win games for your alma mater and return to donate money to the program.

So Tebow, be proud of your one-class excuse for a senior year. It's one more reason for USC to flaunt its dominance once TRUE FRESHMAN MATT BARKLEY plops his proverbial excrement all over your program. USC over Texas in the Natty. Revenge at the Rose Bowl.

Yeah, I spoiled my Permcast predictions, but only 'cuz there's a surprise for SC fans comin' up this week. Stay tuned.

USC destroys Minorities

When I left the final intrasquad scrimmage at the Coliseum today, the Trojan starters were pummeling the second- and third-string black squad by 34. Matt Barkley looked solid, as did Aaron Corp. I have a v-neck farmers tan. Ronald Johnson is out six to eight fucking weeks with a broken collarbone that he suffered early on in the game. Here are some sub-par iPhone pics:

Matt Barkley (7) jogs out of the tunnel after halftime

The team taking the field after halftime

The Man, The Legend, Taylor Fucking Mays

Taylor Mays conversates/intimidates an innocent fan

Damian Williams is much lonelier with RoJo's injury
Ignore the Tapout-wearing douchebag, and focus on the camaraderie in front of him

The ever-elusive Pete Carroll jogs onto the field

The black team, which could still beat last year's UW squad
Look who's avoiding Toronto at all costs! (Not pictured are Leonard Washington, Alex Stepheson and Marcus Johnson, who all attended)

Taylor Mays + 3D = Mangasm

The underside of my laptop is now sopping wet. Best first day of classes ever? Undoubtedly.

The USC-Ohio State game will be broadcast in Three Dimensions at several nearby locations for those lucky people who reside in the southern part of the WBest Coast. Venues include the Galen Center, ESPN Zone and that jumbo-screen at LA Live. Get your blue and red Rick Moranis glasses ready.

Unfortunately, ESPN has relegated the B-grade commentary of Mark Jones and Bob Davie for the 3-D telecast, while the regular Saturday night crew will call the drab "that's SO 2007" 2-D version. Don't even get me started on the prospect of Erin Andrews jumping in last-minute as the 3-D sideline reporter. I'd have to wear Depends for the next three weeks in case I accidentally pictured EA in all her voluptuous, holographic glory.

The game is also airing in who the hell cares Columbus, Ohio and Hartford, Conn., the latter of which will be for all the hardworking Bristol, Conn. cronies. I'm assuming Stu Scott won't be attending, as it's impossible to enjoy anything in 3-D without two fully-functioning eyeballs.

Oh, and just as a reminder, Pete Carroll is still The Baddest Motherfucking Head Coach in all of NCAA sports. Unless Urban Meyer can juggle flaming hippopotami, he's not topping this: