Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Let's talk about bowls

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

I'm sure you've been in suspense for the past week waiting for the FASA. Bowls have come and gone, and yet still no FASA. But, let me just list off the names of these bowls: R+L Carrier New Orleans bowl, St. Petersburg bowl by Beef 'O' Brady's, and the New Mexico bowl (now featuring teams not from New Mexico!).

You know you've made too many bowls when you can't make up interesting names for the bowls, and just rely on the geographical positioning in the naming process. That's why I haven't been giving you predictions, because really, who cares if Wyoming upsets Fresno St. That's right, no one. These games have been worse bowls than ditch weed, and therefore I haven't blessed them with my predictions, but now we get into the good shit.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: championship weekend

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

I know you are fiending for some FASA right now. I left for one damn week, and now your all, "wheres my fix Wilt" and "WHERES MY FIX FAGGOT." I know you've missed this, and to make this special occasion (conference championships)  even more special, now you have a happy and completely non delusional Wilt. This Wilt has no regrets for a 5-7 season. That Fatshole is gone. Fuck him sideways on the way out Tyshawn. And we have a Biletnikoff winner coming back. (sees ESPN headlines)

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 12/2

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
I'm half tempted to start putting basketball on the top, but since the football season is supposedly heating up, I'll leave it, although, these next few weeks are the worst of the year. There is only one ranked match-up this week. One damn game. Then we have conference title games in conferences where it doesn't matter. A national championship game in New Orleans. That's all. Then POINTLESS BOWL GAMES. Then SEMI POINTLESS BOWL GAMES. Fuck you BCS. Fuck you like a stripper in a large penis festival. Enough of that, I'm getting the shitting on sweats.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 11/1

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
Last week's FASA had more upset than a wagon full of toddlers. I called some, and some I did not, but last weeks picks were specifically a result of the way Kansas has handled this "conference schedule" thing. It got worse this week with a loss to ....(sigh)... the pussies. If you thought last weeks upsets were too much, then you might consider not finishing this (DON'T STOP READING WE NEED THE READERSHIP). This week's choices will be done with 900 cc of a cortisone, shot right into my cerebral cortex. NO CEILINGS?!

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 10/ Exhibition

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
I have almost no idea what happened last weekend in college football. I was stranded in domestic corn fields, hunting, and shooting absolutely nothing. Also, when you reside in Iowa, dish reception becomes extremely sketchy and the only game that comes in is the Iowa vs Indiana game. So, as an even more uneducated football writer, I will try to complete some predictions without horribly misconstruing the facts, but most likely with construe some facts any way just for shits and gigs.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 8

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
Last week was pretty tragic for me. A loss at Colorado sent me into a spiraling depression that all the world's Prozac wouldn't have brought me out of. As of today though, I have recovered my normal, human functions: eating, sleeping, not hearing voices. Alas, there is a chance for a fully sustained recovery. It will come at the expense of Oklahoma, though. The same Oklahoma that has fucked my picks up so often. Tomorrow is a day for redemption, for the Colorado loss, and for OU's failure to follow my lead.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 7/ Preseason

 This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

Tonight is opening of college basketball in Lawrence, KS. It's the famous Late Night in the Phog. Headlining, a boxing match up between the football teams and basketball teams, as well as a drunk driving challenge between Brady Morningstar and Chase Buford (may or may not be real).

This begining of the basketball season means two things. First, is that Kansas will be the top school in the nation, and one of the only two that have ranked football and basketball teams. Second is that Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse will begin lacing basketball in to football like cocaine into cookie dough. Sure, cookies are good by themselves, but wouldn't you want to have chocolate chip cookies that numb up your entire mouth? ABSOLUTELY. So, that's what your getting here, the tasty deliciousness of recently cooked college football with the dopamine levels of college basketball. So enjoy the brand new fresh batch of FASA (with brand new LOGO).

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 6

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
Wilt has finally suffered his first loss of the season (now talking in third person). It was a trick game, one where the race or sexual deviation of the quarterbacks meant nothing. This is why Wilt is here this week to build his rep back into the great profit he once was (still going third person). That's why this week we will look to the future, as the past left us nothing to desire (resumes normal writing style). Or in other words, last week's games were shitty, and no enticing story lines came out of it.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 5

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
Last weekend was outstanding. Outstanding like a warrant for your drug paraphernalia. Loses across the board to teams I hated and or wanted to lose. Upsets were a plenty and I pregammed with jello shots before the KU game. Couldn't be any better.

One game that really caught my eye was the Miami and Virginia Tech game. I never thought that I would see it in my life, considering it seemed like God wouldn't allow it, but there were TWO, I repeat, TWO BLACK QUARTERBACKS on the field. JESUS GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER. I wish the game were on where I would have had the privilege to witness this, but unfortunately the Kansas Racism Standards Association kept this out of viewing. Probably for the best though. This match up might have put holes in my brain like 27 pills of ecstasy. After the insanity subdued, Virginia Tech walked out with a win. Jacory Harris walked away with prosthetic appendages. He was roughed up like a Vietnam POW.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 4

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

Have you ever freebased crack before? Well, for those of you that haven't, it's exhilerating. It blows your mind and can enhance the normal effects of crack by 289% (Stat from the Institution of Madeup Stats). It's like enjoying a roller coaster (crack) and then doing crack before going on the roller coaster (freebasing crack). That's how potent it is. When you mix ether with the coke and baking soda, you have a concoction that can tickle your synapses for hours on end. The drug will blow your mind, and it can be a blast as well. Richard Pryor approves.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Semain Trois

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

For all you non french speakers, Semain Trois is french for 'week three'. Hey, look at that, it is indeed the third week of the College Football season. Like our new graphic? No? That's funny 'cuz as I look at it, all I can see is a Saturday night for Bubb Rubb, and nights with Bubb are awesome. 

Know what else is awesome? Mixing cough syrup, speed, and Hawaiian punch. It's an amazing combo for anyone looking to flirt with asphyxiation and or death. It is a memorable 18 minutes, though, while you verbally abuse your sofa and punch your blender. This concoction has other suitable uses as well, like as a metaphor for really hot football teams, like say.....the U.

Remember when I said earlier that both Florida teams in the ACC were going to blow. What I really meant was to say is that any Florida team with a racist mascot is going to blow. When I picked Georgia Tech as ACC winners, I didn't take into account the fact that Miami has a black quarterback. I don't even know what I was thinking. HE'S BLACK. We might as well Lou Holtz (jump to irrational conclusions) this one and line them up against Florida. Black man versus Jesus 2.0. That would be fun, as long as you pregame with an aerosol can.

See. He's calling for your Tebow. HE'S BLACK!

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week DOS

Hola hombres! It's officially week two of the best sport going on right now, and guess which anti flip-flop/shorts/hat/drinking campus is going on a crack binge this week. That's right, your favorite Mormon college, BYU. Somehow misogyny has actually improved the play of athletes. Who knew this was possible (cough Shawne Merriman cough). So Ya'll (that's how you say it out there right?) get your baking soda 'cuz crack is on the main menu this week.

College Foot-A-Palooza: Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse

This is a new weekly blog that is going to compare the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then roll it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

The Cocaine for the week is Boise State. Mainly just for their utter domination of the Ducks last night in the season opener. Now they can sit back, bend a spoon, get their Robert Downey Jr. on, as they prance their way through the WAC. With the likes of Utah State looming in their future, there is no doubt that they will confuse the computers at the end of the season. These boy's are hiiiiiigh.

Since it is only one day into the season there isn't much else to work with, but we can go ahead and drop Oregon into the Acid category. Yeah, 'they be trippin' and it's not the good trippin. Somewhere between Oregon and Idaho, they stumbled upon something to make them look like they had just emerged from eight months of slumber. They were slow, not reactive, and worst of all, bad at football. It might just be a long road for the boys in green, white, yellow? black? magenta? in 2009

Finally, we have our Opium section which will be headlined with the awesome handshake rule that was enacted by the NCAA this offseason. Well, it didn't take long for them to realize the severity of their mistake.

As you can see, true sportsmanship comes from not getting players close enough to rattle the shit out of them. Therefore, as I said in my earlier blog, this is good for the viewers. Right hooks always beat right hand shakes as far as I'm concerned. Now, Georgia and Oklahoma State are going to refrain from the forced sportsmanship for their game on Saturday. Man, when I'm right, I'm right. It's like I take peyote and see premonitions of whats happening in the future college football season. Ya...Go Drugs