A lesson in the art of entertainment

You all suck. Like, what the hell is wrong with you? When did people stop enjoying being entertained?

Shut the fuck up about steroids. Do you know why the NFL is the most popular league in the country? Because guys like Shawne Merriman can use steroids, only get suspended for four games, come back and continue to rip guys’ heads off, and NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK. You know why no one gives a flying fuck? Because what would the NFL be without guys getting as juiced up as they possibly can? I’ll tell you what it would be: it would be shitty. Fucking terrible. I don’t want to watch that shit in HD.

The same goes for baseball. Do you know what baseball would be without performance-enhancing drugs? It would be the 2009 Cubs. I fucking wish Geovany Soto would use ‘roids. Instead, he uses twinkies. And marijuana. Neither of which enhances any kind of baseball performance. At all. And you know what? It fucking sucks to watch. He looks like a sloth behind the plate.

OH MY GOD, MARK MCGWIRE USED STEROIDS! Let’s say he didn’t use steroids. And Sammy Sosa didn’t use steroids. And, as a result, let’s say neither hit more than 52 homers in 1998. That would have absolutely sucked.

What most of you are telling me, though, is that you would rather that awesome home run chase never happened. You would rather Craig Counsel and Ryan Theriot be the faces of the league. Fuck you. You’re idiots.

Is it a coincidence that the best baseball players of our generation also happened to be ‘roiding? FUCK and NO. Barry Bonds, McGwire, Roger Clemens, A-Rod, Manny. They were or are all fun to watch. I don’t care if they injected themselves with Roger Maris’ sperm or sprinkled themselves with Tony LaRussa’s magic pixie dust.

Draw a line in the record books. Make a new section of the Hall of Fame. I don’t give a shit. But SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Temple-UCLA live blog

If you started reading this because you actually thought it was going to be a live blog of the Temple-UCLA EagleBank Bowl, go fist yourself. Get John Cheney in pads, and then we'll talk.

I actually put every piece of sports news or gossip that has materialized in the last week in a hat and drew one because whatever I randomly chose would be better than watching the fucking EagleBank Bowl.

Apparently the academics at world-renowned Quinnipiac University released a new, totally ground-breaking national poll* today that showed most people want college football to scrap the BCS and move to a playoff system.

[*It should be noted that results of the poll may be intentionally skewed due to Quinnipiac's bitterness over being left out of the BCS.]

Quinnipiac also released a poll that showed most people would rather sit down to a steak and potatoes dinner than get nailed to a cross and thrown in a river by their mother-in-law.

I mean, seriously. I hope not a single dollar was spent developing and executing that poll.

From the Associated Press:

"College football fans are not in love with the current system in which two teams that play for the national championship are picked by computers, sportswriters and coaches," said Peter Brown, assistant director of the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute. "Settle the question on the field, voters say more than two-to-one."

I'm... I'm... speechless. That is all.

Welp, my decade sucked

With less than a week left in the first decade of the 21st century -- only the second full decade of my life -- and just slightly more than two years left until the end of the world, I've been reflecting on my decade in sports. I long ago came to the conclusion that I'm not athletic and my teams are terrible, but, upon additional review, I'm not even sure Enron had a worse decade than me. My sports-decade has been one big fucking facepalm, so much so that it was worthy of that crappy alliteration.

In March of 2002, I won the St. Margaret Mary three-point shootout. I was, theoretically, the best eighth grade three-point shooter in the city that attended a Catholic grade school*. Sometime after that, the Creighton Bluejays upset fifth-seeded Florida in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. I was riding high.