Lebron skipped college, BUT HE WANT THE EXPERIENCE OF GETTING PAID BY CALIPARI ANYWAYS

It's a well known fact around these parts that I am a huge John Calipari hater. If facebook had a dislike button, I would hit it non stop on Calipari's fan page. If I had a chance at exposing Calipari's money laundering schemes, I would do anything to break the story. Blow J's included. He is the vain of my existence.

He is like Darth Vader, the way he left Kansas as an assistant, and then went on to totally not being cool. He had Xavier in his lap before he left for Kentucky. He stole John Wall. He almost stole Josh Selby. He almost beat us in 2008. I have a dart board with his face on it. And when a play darts, I use grenades. I hate him more than immigrants hate Arizona. I hate him more than Al Gore hates BP.

"Ladies and Gentleman: This is a basketball"

You know who I do like though? Lebron James. And even with the loss last night, I still like him. And from the sounds of it, I better be prepared to like him even more. Here's why. Read that link. Read it hard, because I sure as hell did.

It basically states that Lebron is using his posse to drag Calipari to the team of his choosing in the Free Agent cumfest 2010. This means many things.

One - Calipari will be leaving the college basketball for a long time, because he has Lebron. He won't get fired, because he has Lebron. He doesn't even have to coach, which is his forte, because he has Lebron.

Two - He will be leaving Kentucky after one year, creating a void at Kentucky, where the most obnoxious fans reside (apart from Duke of course). Then they will suck again. And then, maybe they can take a third Kansas assistant coach in a row to coach their team as Kansas itself passes them in the all time wins category.

The King request's your services Calipari

Three - Calipari will look even more douchy than before. I didn't think it was possible at this stage, but Calipari has to one up himself every time. Now, not only will Memphis, UMass, and Nets fans hate him, but the most winningest basketball school (for now) will hate him.

Fourth - As a result of 1-3 I will cum uncontrollably, and as everyone knows, cumming is awesome.

So, what was Cleveland's loss, will become my win, and all of Kansas' win, and all of college basketball's win. And with the new collective bargaining agreement in the NBA, there is a chance that the one-and-done rule will be eliminated for a two or three and done rule, with the best recruiter in the nation at Kansas. Oh shit, Oh shit ... I need new pants.

LeBron James: anatomically indecipherable

King James had quite the bipolar game last night. What began as an infantile hissy fit in the midst of a close match, ended with tickling and a giddy sideline jig to celebrate a blowout over a far inferior team. LeBron's demeanor at the end of the match, however, didn't outweigh his decision to douse the front row with water, at least in the eyes of the NBA's Punitive Board. He's just a kid out there, RIGHT SIMMONS?

The King and his Cancer

Evidently last January, Lebron was diagnosed with a "growth" in his mouth that doctors thought could be cancerous. Although it was found to be benign,  I prefer to think that Lebron had cancer. Key word "had."

As we know, NBA players have a magical ability to dodge the world's worst diseases. So, as a speciulatory individual, I like to make random and completely false assumptions. Today's assumption, Lebron beat cancer. Here's my case.

LeBron James' Life Will be a Four-Part Book Series and Film Quadrilogy

LeBron James has his own book. And his own movie. He's not dead, nor is he retired. At 24 years old, he isn't remotely close to either of those milestones. Which is why the aforementioned forms of his biography are premature and unacceptable.

As LeBron enters his seventh professional season, he may be a veteran by experience standards, but hardly by tenure. Barring any debilitating injuries, he has at least ten more years in the tank. I guess the journey up to this point provides enough content to tell a thorough story, but without a ring on his finger and several more years ahead of him, is this all really necessary?