Preseason Partying and Bullshit - SEC

The grand finale of Preseason Partying and Bullshit ends with the best, most athletic, most talented, and most racist of them all. THE SEC. Short for non-secular of course. Because they love Jesus, and the only thing they love more than Jesus is football. And hating blacks and gays and spics and japs and wetbacks and athiests and agnostics and .... GEORGIA. FUCK 'EM. GO GATORS. YEE HAWWWW!!! (Plays washboard)

AWWWWW SHEET. MAH KNEE. SURGERY!

Tebow has left the Gators and is now pursuiting his life long dream of being a journeyman back up quarterback.

Mark Ingram has let the undeserved Heisman trophy get to his head. Getting all that attention from his knee surgery like a regular pre-madonna.

Les Miles got a shout out on True Blood last week. You know what that means? I'm gay for watching that show.


Tennessee is still pissed at Lane Kiffin, but seriously. Who would choose Knoxville over Los Angeles. If you said "I would :(" then fuck you.


Predictions

Pregame festivities at Ole Miss. GO REBELS WHOOO!

Alabama ROLLS. See what I did there. ROLL TIDE.

UFL HERE I COME. Styrofoam cups for everyone!

Florida can't keep the devil out of their soul without the help of Tebow. Urban Meyer's heart explodes as they get a third place finish. Erin Andrews cries.

South Carolina sucks cocks. middle to lower end of the league.

Georgia still misses Matty Stafford. Still suck.

LSU is better than you think because they have merged their vampire nations with Mississippi. Still referencing True Blood. Still gay.

Auburn wins some games with the FORMER HEAD COACH OF IOWA STATE AT THEIR HELM. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

Ole Miss' quaterbacking drops as Jeramiah Masoli sits out a year. They do have a rise in domestic robberies though.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big 1T1en

I know this is supposed to be the cream of the crop of conferences. Old schools, with high prestige in many sports and academics. Hell, they are even awesome in celebration. See Michigan State U in 1999 basketball. But, we can all hate on these guys. That's be cause they are the man. And you know what they say. Lightly scratch the skin off their chin until you reach bone to the man. Or fuck the man. I like the first. Anyways, it's the last year of the Big 11 and soon to be the Big 10+2. I'll chin rape Nebraska.

Hmmm. What would Descates do here?

Ohio State last year had their chances, and yet still couldn't understand how a running black quarterback couldn't throw. Still think he should have played basketball.

Michigan has been cheating, but they can because they are the man. Although their coach is Mexican I think?

Notre Dame is still not in their league. Props to that I guess.

Iowa has the best coach in this league, because anyone that can convince someone to live in Iowa is a saint. Drew Brees could do it though.

Penn State is likes clan apparel.

Predictions

Only looks good at quarterback when photoshoped.

Ohio State get's endorsed by Kirk Herbstreit. Then in an attempt to interview Terrelle Pryor he trips and accidentally cuts Pryor's artery with his gelled hair. They finish second.

Penn State (insert old Joe Paterno joke here). Finish third.

Iowa angers all as they win every game and go to the national championship. This in no way has anything to do with the fact that I was born in Iowa.

Michigan continues to rebuild. Still can't run the spread.

Northwestern sucks, but the school newspaper has great headlines, utilizing puns.

Wisconsin eats the other teams players on home games.

Minnesota is cold. Ice fishing. Winter stuff.

Michigan State hires Larry Izzo to the head coach of the football team. They make it to the final four... again.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big 12

This will be the final year with 12 teams in the Big 12, which will make this conference just as bad as the Big 11. I sincerely hope the conference changes it's name to the Big 10. YOU CAN TAKE OUR TEAMS BUT WE CAN TAKE YOUR NAME. And if the Big 10 insists on keeping that ridiculously incorrect name, then we'll have two Big 10's. Suck on it.

As for this year, there will be 12 teams and the name can stay for it's final season, as Nebraska will be exiting to the Big 12(?). There, they will be constantly beaten by Ohio State, Penn State and Iowa instead of the doldrums of Texas and Oklahoma. And that's where we'll begin

Oklahoma and Texas have new quarterbacks that everyone is feeding down your throats as the top newcomers of the year, and what a ballsy prediction they have made. Two quarterbacks on two of the most talented teams in the nation. YOU'RE BLOWING MY MIND PAT FORDE.

Kansas is enjoying the fruits of a completely reorganized football/athletics department. Did I say enjoy? I meant have a tape worm from. It's all gone to shit godamnit.

Texas Tech has Tommy Tuberville who, they hope, will not employ the use of sheds to break in his freshman talent.

Nebraska and Colorado are the stupid slutty whores that dipped their pen in other conference ink. No one likes them.

No one remembers Iowa State is there.

Predictions 

Hey guys. Guys? GUYS!?!! Fuck this, the Big 10 wants me.

Nebraska learns that leaving the conference does not bode well for a team trying to win a conference championship. Someone kills a Nebraska fan who enters an away game in Cornhusker gear.

I'll do your kidz. I'll do 'em hard. And then yell Touchdown

Baylor has a black quarterback. My stance is that black means running back, but the Wildcat is the exception. I don't know if he can throw but he was good until he injured his extra Achilles tendon last year. They make a bowl game.

Oklahoma improves with the help a year of collegiate child rape for Pedo-Stache. They become the favorite to win the Big 12 and go undefeated, just to lose a heart breaking game in a BCS game.

Texas' sophomore quarterback plays like shit because he doesn't have a stache. Everyone knows the formula. Stache = Good.

Kansas surprises thanks to the HOPE given by black head coach Turner Gil. I wear a ghillie suit in appropriate word play with his last name. Bowl game is possible.

Colorado finishes last, thanks to an Iowa State beat down for the ages. Final score 2-0.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit

Classes have started for me, like most other schools that have normal schedules, and not that tri-mester or quarter-mester (?) crap. This symbolizes the rebirth of an actual schedule for me, which will give me interest and planning allowing me to return to blogging again here. From now until the beginning of the season, I will be running through the conferences and listing things. Just things. No real outline. Come on. It's the beginning of the school year. I'm rusty at outlines and writing. Get over it.

I'll start alphabetically today with the Atlantic Coast Conference.

The ACC considers itself a Big 5 football conference, even though the talent is weaker than that of the Mountain West. Hell, they barely edge out the Big East for second worst BCS conference.

The ACC is full of unfulfilling teams. Miami can't decide how they will lose their preseason expectations. Virginia Tech can't help but shoot itself in the foot. Florida State can't appreciate the elderly. Clemson is orange. These are all things that transpire in the conference.

Something is happening in North Carolina. I don't really know what it is. Probably racism.


Duke, Virginia, North Carolina State and Boston College. That's all the mentioning these teams will get on this blog for the rest of the season. Unless someone dies. Then it'll be SUPER GHOST 2.0


Predictions

RUN HE'S TRYING TO OPPRESS YOU

Georgia Tech will win the conference. You just can't hate a team that blatantly disregards the rest of the nation's schools offensive schemes. What's that everyone? You throw 70% of the time? I hear you. Run the ball 90% of the time right? Also, they have a black QB, and that's always a positive.

Florida State and Miami are ranked in the preseason AP poll this year. Expect for both of them to be out by week 6.

Depressed trot                                               Happy trot

Virginia Tech is all up in the top 10. They'll be out after week one. Tyrod Taylor will do something illegal. It's a tradition for (black) quarterbacks at Virgina Tech.

Maryland will hire Greivis Vasquez as President/Provost/Head Sports Coach from now and til eternity. They will lose every conference game.

Boston College will be studying on a Saturday and forget that they have a game. Somehow they still beat Duke that week thanks to an unforced safety.

No one gets the to Championship game from the conference and only one team makes BCS game.