Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big 1T1en

I know this is supposed to be the cream of the crop of conferences. Old schools, with high prestige in many sports and academics. Hell, they are even awesome in celebration. See Michigan State U in 1999 basketball. But, we can all hate on these guys. That's be cause they are the man. And you know what they say. Lightly scratch the skin off their chin until you reach bone to the man. Or fuck the man. I like the first. Anyways, it's the last year of the Big 11 and soon to be the Big 10+2. I'll chin rape Nebraska.

Hmmm. What would Descates do here?

Ohio State last year had their chances, and yet still couldn't understand how a running black quarterback couldn't throw. Still think he should have played basketball.

Michigan has been cheating, but they can because they are the man. Although their coach is Mexican I think?

Notre Dame is still not in their league. Props to that I guess.

Iowa has the best coach in this league, because anyone that can convince someone to live in Iowa is a saint. Drew Brees could do it though.

Penn State is likes clan apparel.

Predictions

Only looks good at quarterback when photoshoped.

Ohio State get's endorsed by Kirk Herbstreit. Then in an attempt to interview Terrelle Pryor he trips and accidentally cuts Pryor's artery with his gelled hair. They finish second.

Penn State (insert old Joe Paterno joke here). Finish third.

Iowa angers all as they win every game and go to the national championship. This in no way has anything to do with the fact that I was born in Iowa.

Michigan continues to rebuild. Still can't run the spread.

Northwestern sucks, but the school newspaper has great headlines, utilizing puns.

Wisconsin eats the other teams players on home games.

Minnesota is cold. Ice fishing. Winter stuff.

Michigan State hires Larry Izzo to the head coach of the football team. They make it to the final four... again.

UPDATE: Nebraska has taken the cyanide. The Big 12 is done

DEY JUST FLIPPED DA GAME UPSIDE DOWN

Someone leaked the info today that the Big 12's ultimatum worked ... for the Big 10. They are officially gone tomorrow at a press conference scheduled sometime between the Big 12 is fucked and Kansas is really fucked. Mizzou is gone for sure. Reports say that Texas is ready to accept the Pac-10 severence package with Colorado and without Baylor.

Meanwhile in Kansas...

Hermpermventilating

I've been getting way worked up about this Big 10 expansion. For some reason no one outside of the Big 12 is. Seems weird because it's TOTALLY FUCKING UP MY WEEK. From what I've heard though, the Pac-10 is coming to Kansas City tomorrow to talk SUPER CONFERENCE and SUPER BROADCASTING. It's the Big 12's last ditch effort at keeping Mizzou and Nebraska in the conference. If that fails, the Big 12 looks like it will be dismembered faster than a koala fighting a Kraken.

I've already shoved this down your throat, and then made you regurgitate it, and then shove it down even further, but this is such a fucked situation. So fucked, that I had to call in Herm for a new segment I like to call, WHAT IT IS HERM?!



Video may not be working because Youtube is straight Younotworking. If it does, then enjoy.

Oh Lawd, It just keeps pialin' on.

You may recall that the Big 10 is expanding. ESPN really hasn't even noticed the story, but according to sources (my stuffed giraffe Ed) the Big 10 has contacted some people from some schools to tell them something. Something disturbing.

You're throwing it the wrong way.

I was totally right about Missouri, Notre Dame and Rutgers, but they also want Nebraska. It's quite harsh of them to just jack up the Big 12 North like that. I mean, it's already pretty shitty. Now what? What if Nebraska and Mizzou leave for colder pastures. That leaves Iowa State, Colorado and then Kansas and Kansas State in the North of the Big 12. And considering Colorado and Iowa State's contribution to athletics over the years, it basically just leaves the state of Kansas.

It is quite fucked up. What happens to the North? I mean, do you add shit teams like Missouri State or Wichita State to an already below average football half conference, or do you just say fuck it, and join something else. Both have problems.

Problem one - If the North added teams, who presents a challenge to either K-State or KU over the next 20 years. Maybe you add Memphis. They suck at football, but at least give basketball. Maybe you add Northern Iowa and give both average football and basketball and a reason for James Naismith to roll in his grave. Maybe you take Arkansas, but that's too much Kansas for one conference. Either way you look at it, it sucks.

Weird Hand. INITIATE PLAN C

Problem two - Congealing with another conference. Geography totally fucks the Big 12 in this sense. The closest conference is the SEC and they don't want the Big 12's tornadoes. Then Then you look to the west coast where there is a fucking mountain range in your way. THE RIVERS DON'T EVEN FLOW TO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN OVER THERE. IT'S FUCKING CRAZY.

So, I propose option C, or the Plan C mission where the two Kansas teams leave the Big 12 and start a conference of their own where they only allow teams that are cool to be in. Like TCU. You can come because you have an awesome mascot. UNI? GO FUCK YOURSELF. Memphis? Hell yeah. Butler, you need a place? COME ON DOWN. What's that Toto? You want BYU? WELL FUCK OFF.

And to top it off, I can be the governor of the Big Dick conference. Dick is in reference to Richard Vitale, that way I can name it that without being a big dick. Kansas–K-state–Memphis–TCU–Butler–Iowa State–UTEP–Louisville–Northern Illinois–VCU and some other ones or something. Sound like a winner to me. And then we can have a conference mascot. Maybe Cole from Gears of War, because he's a perfect spokesperson for the Big Dick conference. 8=============>-- The Big Dick conference, Ejaculating talent all over your professional faces.

Dustin' off the cobwebs like Luigi in his Mansion. You know that game right?

Where our counting defies logic.

It's been a well known fact for a while now that the Big 10 11, have been trying to expand. Like anthrax, the assholes in the Big 11 have been venturing into places that don't want them, including other power conferences that love and cherish their teams. This is of course old news, and it's sad that I've waited this long to talk about the topic, but I can explain officer. I only had like five shots. Double shots. And one beer bong.

Really though, my computer broke down. Again. It's almost as if Chevy made this laptop. But I digress.

Nazi Arnold wants to Pump (clap) You up

As a Big 12 student, I have taken notice of the Big 11's Nazi scheme to take over teams. Everyone is thinking "Well, it's just one team, and really, who cares who's conference Rutgers is in." But that's what we thought when Poland was invaded. Oh, well we can do without Sausages. And we can. Fuck Rutgers.

But, DON'T THINK THAT. These fuckers are maniacal. The are just easing you into the idea. Oh we just want Rutgers, but on the condition that we get a side order of Missouri (!) and Pittsburgh(?) and maybe Notre Dame and Syracuse (WTF). This has been deemed a "super-conference" by the media, and I like to think it's really just the Fuhrer's Conference scheme.

Picture and schedule are non existent, just like your restraint from sugary foods.

Now, no one really likes the Big 10, unless you are a part of it, just as everyone hated the Nazi's, as long as you weren't Juden hunting. And now they want our teams. Don't get me wrong, I hate Mizzou, but if you took them, I would be pissed. Why? Because it's a rivalry, and rivalries are kept in the same conference. USC and Notre Dame is the perfect example of this. No one really gives a shit. You don't mark it on your calendar. You don't want to kill the other team's fans. You don't care. They are in Indiana. You are in California. Total bullshit. And there really aren't any others. That's because they are as pointless as Ben Roethlisberger's "don't rape ladies" book.