Look, fuck you Kobe, bring on the Brits

Hey, the draw was great. Two bomb threats on the gorgeous Charlize Theron (South Africa native) during the draw for the 2010 World Cup. Lovely Charlize, and TWO BOMB THREATS. Who dares to kill her. This would kill me. My jackoff revenue would drop by 90% if Charlize was sent to the grave. Thankfully though, she made it through, and didn't even get raped!

SOCCER. I'm Not Even Joking

Well in a way I am joking, but it's more of a toying with an idea. Just imagine if we had a national sport, like the rest of the world, where every single athlete that shows prowess gets entered into. What if the most athletic players in the world (obviously American athletes) were to play on one team? That would be more fun than a night of drinking with Donte Stallworth, Diana Taurasi and Zack Randolf. Well, this is what I came up with as a universal soccer team for the US.

Lebron would swat balls from that goal like Billy Ray Cyrus does to Miley's vagina. Hell, he would have more clean sheets than than a 14 year old honor student that's also a level 79 wizard on world of warcraft. No one is getting nylon with Lebron. Of course, you'd have to get to Lebron first which could be a task in itself. Think of Polamalu and Urlacher sweeping up back there. Troy would instantly frighten forwards with his combo of perm and upper body strength. Urlacher would instantly get red cards attributed due to his brute strength. No soccer player is running through him or that wall of defense.

Then we have the left and right backs, Chris Paul and Derrick Rose. This was tough for me cause I was considering them midfielders but at the left and right back, they could range the sidelines. Both are athletic as hell, and tall for soccer players, at around 6'2". They would be elusive and would make the US the best possessive team in the world with their point guard mentality.

The Midfielders are frightening. If you thought Kaka was athletic, then these guys would be the Wilt Chamberlains to the worlds 1950 rosters. Chad OchoCinco would find his name suddenly acceptable in soccer and, considering his kicking skills, would make for a great midfielder to start the counter attack. Then Steve Smith and his blazing speed at the left wing is perfect 'cuz soccer does require a located right shoulder. Dwayne Wade might be the best player on this team thanks to his ridiculous body control and relentless attack. His IQ is what made me put him at the wing, though, instead of forward so he could work both ends of the field. Then it's LT-the man that has mastered the mystery injury, yet in soccer, your turf toe wont be such a distraction. No hard cuts in soccer, and with a relatively healthy body, he would dominate and have no problem crossing over defenders on the pitch.

 Finally, the forwards that start with B.J. Upton. Yeah, seems weird as hell, but he's the only baseball player I could see playing soccer. He's got the size, and athleticism. Plus, he's a lanky ass motherfucker so he would fit the Thierry Henry model. Mainly it's just cause I felt bad for baseball and had to throw someone in the mix cause it sure as hell wasn't going to be C.C. Sabathia. How 'bout Curt Schilling does the blogging for the team. Decent compromise? I think so.

Then at the top of the key pitch would be MVP  forward Kobe Bryant. This has nothing to do with the fact that he lived in Italy as a kid, and promotes his soccer skills like it's his new MVP campaign. It's just because he fits a mold that no other player in the world fits. He'd be the tallest guy on the field (minus Lebron) and has the body type and quickness that forwards want, and the best part, he can take as many shots as he wants. He doesn't have to pass, no, he can just shoot, 'cuz that's what forwards do. Kobe can yell at his teammates all he wants as well, 'cuz in those hostile environments worldwide, their not fucking hearing him. Well, at least they can act like they can't. It's almost if this should have been his destiny. Unfortunately he ended up in the NBA where anyone not in LA or on the ESPN roster despises him.

Still, I want this team on FIFA right now. There's nothing stopping me except for EA restrictions to created players.  Dammit the game is supposed to be fun, not serious. Oh well, maybe one day I wont have to create this team 'cuz it will be enacted on the real USA soccer team. Uhhh? Naww.

Children of the Corn Sports

Everyone always wants to put 1+1 and make 3 when talking about athlete romances, but what about the potential couples that would make a fuckid? Well wait no longer, cause that day has arrived. Introducing the Children of the Sports.

Child most likely to be inebriated while driving.

Welcome our first couple, Diana Taurasi and Charles Barkley. Not one, but both of these two were stopped in Arizona for drunk driving, which suspended both of them from their jobs. Just imagine a drunk night in Phoenix where those two could create an illegitimate child. Not only would this kid have the basketball prowess of Oscar Robinson, but it would also have the liver of John Daly. The child might end up at a popular trans-gender basketball school, see Duke or North Carolina, and would rack up as many MIP's as ACC championships. Then would come pro-ball where domination on the court would become easy. Getting off drunk driving charges would be the hard part, and would eventually land this kid in jail, and out of the league indefinitely. Well, at least until there was a somber press conference and commitment to stop drinking the juice in the way of Josh Hamilton. Then a relapse 3 years later, and on to broadcasting.

Child most likely to suck on the media's tit.

No question would this kid's father be Brett Farve. The companion is a bit less obvious, but Maria Sharapova makes a solid mother 'figure'. Not only does she flaunt her amazing physique on the court, but she also portrays it in multiple magazines and TV appearances. And during the NFL draft this year she leaped into the limelight to guest star as the fashion designer for Matt Stafford's shoot for ESPN the mag. Not to mention, she is also in those canon commercials where she takes pictures of her dog, when every guy is thinking she should be doing a Rihanna. Then add Farve to that and you have a media hogging asshole/bitch (depending on gender). The kid would probably end up in soccer carrying the US to the semis of the World Cup as one of the best midfielders in the world. He/she would grab endorsements from America and across seas landing a spot on your television every other commercial. And if you think Brett Farve's flip flopping was bad, just think about a soccer pariah flipping and flopping from the MLS and Europe every year. All of Bristol, Connecticut would implode from all of the media fireworks. Imagine David Beckham and multiply it by 500,000 and that's what you would get. Then a sudden retirement to go into the film business, and crash any hope of American soccer becoming world renowned.

Child most likely to 'enhance'

A gay couple would make the best child for enhancing. Maybe say A-Rod and Shawn Merriman, but since gay marriage is illegal (in Kansas) I would be reprimanded. So, this lead me another route, a route that runs through Marion Jones. If you remember, she won 3 golds in track and field in the Sidney Olympics in 2000, only to have them revoked in 2007 because of illegal doping. And the company that paved the way to this scandal, no one other than BALCO. This is where the father enters with his abnormally large cerebellum and chiseled pecs. Barry Bonds would make for steroided out dad. Their kid would begin it's life with a drugged birth to subdue the pain of labor. Then the kid, instead of being breast fed, would get a bottle of whey protein. Around age 5 the kid would begin extensive workouts on Venice beach, where it would later meet governor Schwarzenegger. With a solid HGH-ed idol in his/her head, he/she would begin a regular regiment of cream and clear before and after he/she worked out. Barry would enroll the kid into a football league and would excel as the fastest and strongest running back in California. The kid would be drafted after it's junior year at USC and go #1 only to shatter his/her ACL in training camp, and return 3 weeks later, stronger than before. Lil' Bonds would break records at the running back position, only to have those erased a week after the season because of a positive test for steroids. Of course, being the little Jones-Bond's kid that he/she is, lil' bonds would deny the accusations to the point that no team would sign him/her, effectively ending lil' bonds' career.