What can Brown do to fuck your fantasy team?

Ronnie Brown's right foot announced yesterday, that yes, Wilt, your fantasy team is now fucked. Brown left the game on Sunday with an injury to his foot that wouldn't be repairable this season. Even my prayers, which included a beer bong full of holy water, couldn't keep Ronnie off the IR (injured reserve dummy) which takes him off the roster the rest of the year. I'm sure I'm not the only one to take this loss heavily. Well, at least he went out on top with a 45 yard run and a TD.

That's a Way to Get Off on the Right Foot

Or should I say knee. Welcome all fans of Kansas City who still have a soul left from the past decade of horrid sports teams. Of course, if your like me, your soul was ripped out a long time ago. It's about time to add more suffering and this years Chiefs to that list. Awesome news today stating that Matt Cassel, or should I say 60 million dollars, will not be starting the season, thanks to an MCL sprain in his left knee. Almost as if God was taunting us for the severing of Brady's CL's last year.  Damn you Pollard. (winks and air high fives)

Now it's going to be an exciting race to see which backup can get the starting job. Thigpen with the astounding QB rating of 74.7 or the talentless long haired douchebag Croyle with an even shittier 67.5 QB rating. Just a heads up for week one in your fantasy league. Pick the Ravens. You will win your match.

UPDATE.....
Now they cut Chan Gailey. Honestly, what the fuck. Unless Pete Carrol has been assigned to the offensive coordinator position....what the fuck. How random is this. The only thing I can imagine is that Haley was getting frustrated with the O-line schemes, and just blew up. That offensive line sucks. Bad. I mean really bad. I mean Michael Jackson "bad".

SOCCER. I'm Not Even Joking

Well in a way I am joking, but it's more of a toying with an idea. Just imagine if we had a national sport, like the rest of the world, where every single athlete that shows prowess gets entered into. What if the most athletic players in the world (obviously American athletes) were to play on one team? That would be more fun than a night of drinking with Donte Stallworth, Diana Taurasi and Zack Randolf. Well, this is what I came up with as a universal soccer team for the US.

Lebron would swat balls from that goal like Billy Ray Cyrus does to Miley's vagina. Hell, he would have more clean sheets than than a 14 year old honor student that's also a level 79 wizard on world of warcraft. No one is getting nylon with Lebron. Of course, you'd have to get to Lebron first which could be a task in itself. Think of Polamalu and Urlacher sweeping up back there. Troy would instantly frighten forwards with his combo of perm and upper body strength. Urlacher would instantly get red cards attributed due to his brute strength. No soccer player is running through him or that wall of defense.

Then we have the left and right backs, Chris Paul and Derrick Rose. This was tough for me cause I was considering them midfielders but at the left and right back, they could range the sidelines. Both are athletic as hell, and tall for soccer players, at around 6'2". They would be elusive and would make the US the best possessive team in the world with their point guard mentality.

The Midfielders are frightening. If you thought Kaka was athletic, then these guys would be the Wilt Chamberlains to the worlds 1950 rosters. Chad OchoCinco would find his name suddenly acceptable in soccer and, considering his kicking skills, would make for a great midfielder to start the counter attack. Then Steve Smith and his blazing speed at the left wing is perfect 'cuz soccer does require a located right shoulder. Dwayne Wade might be the best player on this team thanks to his ridiculous body control and relentless attack. His IQ is what made me put him at the wing, though, instead of forward so he could work both ends of the field. Then it's LT-the man that has mastered the mystery injury, yet in soccer, your turf toe wont be such a distraction. No hard cuts in soccer, and with a relatively healthy body, he would dominate and have no problem crossing over defenders on the pitch.

 Finally, the forwards that start with B.J. Upton. Yeah, seems weird as hell, but he's the only baseball player I could see playing soccer. He's got the size, and athleticism. Plus, he's a lanky ass motherfucker so he would fit the Thierry Henry model. Mainly it's just cause I felt bad for baseball and had to throw someone in the mix cause it sure as hell wasn't going to be C.C. Sabathia. How 'bout Curt Schilling does the blogging for the team. Decent compromise? I think so.

Then at the top of the key pitch would be MVP  forward Kobe Bryant. This has nothing to do with the fact that he lived in Italy as a kid, and promotes his soccer skills like it's his new MVP campaign. It's just because he fits a mold that no other player in the world fits. He'd be the tallest guy on the field (minus Lebron) and has the body type and quickness that forwards want, and the best part, he can take as many shots as he wants. He doesn't have to pass, no, he can just shoot, 'cuz that's what forwards do. Kobe can yell at his teammates all he wants as well, 'cuz in those hostile environments worldwide, their not fucking hearing him. Well, at least they can act like they can't. It's almost if this should have been his destiny. Unfortunately he ended up in the NBA where anyone not in LA or on the ESPN roster despises him.

Still, I want this team on FIFA right now. There's nothing stopping me except for EA restrictions to created players.  Dammit the game is supposed to be fun, not serious. Oh well, maybe one day I wont have to create this team 'cuz it will be enacted on the real USA soccer team. Uhhh? Naww.

I Dream of Brady

I think dreams provide a unique insight into our subconscious emotions and how the events in our life influence them.

Psych.

Dreams are useless hallucinations that present little importance to anyone, with the exception of those who monetize them through interpretation. So in the honor of Herm's Perm raching the $10 mark, I'd like to share one of my dreams with you, so we can speculate on how

retardedly insane I am. And maybe make some moolah in the process (mo' hits, mo money baby!).

We begin with the Patriots 2009 season-opener. Brady breaks the huddle and calls signals from the shotgun formation with Moss wide left. He takes the snap, drops back to his own 15-yard line and bombs one to Ocho Uno, who hauls it in at the opponent's 15. A 70-yard flight that nestles perfectly into Moss' breadbasket before he's brought down by the safety.

Instead of calmly and confidently jogging down the field, or enacting a celebratory fist-pump, Brady just stands there. He looks over at Belichick and the Pats' sideline. I see the emotion welling in his face as he removes his helmet (which doesn't elicit a penalty flag, for some reason). And he begins to bawl like a baby. Tears of joy erupt from his eyesockets like Old Faithful. As I watch this, I'm inexplicably overwhelmed by empathy, while feeling slightly disturbed at the same time.

After brief reflection, this could mean one of many things.

1. Brady shares my relief that it's finally football season.

I haven't restrained myself in bemoaning the serious lack of sports in my life during the past three months. I've blogged about it, I've thought about it and I've forced it upon every willing and unwilling person who shares my love for sports (sans baseball and curling). The NFL offseason has enough non-game related story lines for a football spinoff of Law and Order. Baseball is fucking gay. I just learned who Messi was this past summer. I wouldn't be shocked if I collapse in a fit of joy when the Pats kick off in less than three weeks. Like this, but with less decapitation-induced madness:

2. Stephon Marbury's hysterical sadness is contagious.

Brady's irrational breakdown in my dream may be a prophecy for an epidemic of professional athlete insanity with intensely tearful symptoms. Can you imagine in LeBron's first regular season game with Sidekick Shaq, as the two hook up for an alley-oop, followed by a tearful embrace that would make Dr. Phil proud? If the Yankees end their World Series drought this year, will A-Rod, Jeter, Sabathia and Teixeira have to dry their eyes with hundred dollar bills at the press conference? If all this happens, will the Oxygen network be forced to buy the television contracts for all major professional sports? Jesus Ovary Overloading Christ.

3. Tom Brady's public image will be tarnished by a personal or legal event

Remember how I said he threw the ball 70 yards on a dime? Nobody's done that since Mike Vick. Brady's only run-in with the law since his emergence as a public figure occurred when some hobo stole his planters. Has anyone heard from this man since? Nope. Why? Because his rotting corpse is fertilizing the foliage that is growing out of those same planters. Tom Brady doesn't stand for that shit. He's smart enough to know nobody cares enough about homeless people to investigate their mysterious disappearances. It's much easier for people to think optimistically, and hope they've become a blight to some other town. From a personal standpoint, I hope this interpretation is way off base. Sixteen consecutive regular season games without Brady is enough for one lifetime.