Suicide NOtes: Michael Crabtree

While I was watching the Jay Leno show (PFT! Who am I kidding? I didn't watch it). While watching Phillip DeFranco, I was utterly surprised to find that Kanye was on the brink of Marilyn Monroe-ing himself. This made me think, hey Terrel Owens attempted suicide. Then i realized Vince Young got in on the self loathing as well. So, naturally I figured, what would their suicide letters look like? TO's would be a tear soaked note that just reads "HE'S MY QUARTERBACK" over and over like a page from The Grudge. No one would actually care for Vince Young's so instead of recreating their letters, why not make hypothetical letters for players who should be on the brink of inhaling a bucket of Tylenol. Today's suicide author is Mr. Crestationvegitation.

Dear Mom,

Thanks for letting me borrow your spare bedroom for the past few months while I figure my job situation out. It's been a pleasant 21 years and I was happy to have you as a mother, mainly for your apple pie, hahaha. But all jokes aside, I'm going to kill myself.

Eli Manning Paid First-Overall Pick Money, Phil Rivers Left with Fourth-Overall Scraps

Phillip Rivers is a bitch. He complains more than Jay Cutler, yet he lacks the Diabetes/low blood sugar excuse to justify it. I've cheered for Rivers once in my life - when he limped off the field in the '08 Divisional playoff game against the Colts, jawing with fans like an inebriated barfly whose credit card got rejected after his eighth rum and coke.

Did I mention he still drives a minivan? What a fag.

Childlike demeanor and questionable choice of transportation aside, Rivers deserves his 6-year, $91 million contract extension with the Chargers. Actually, he deserves more. Because Eli Manning's contract says so.

Following LaDanian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates' worst NFL seasons since their respective rookie campaigns, Rivers demonstrated his ability to make the best out of several wide receivers that wouldn't surpass the 2-spot on most depth charts. He somehow bitched and moaned his way to the top rating in the NFL, inexplicably beating The Quarterback God himself. Oh, right.

Manning, whose soft-spoken pussy-like disposition is equally irritating, recorded a rating nearly 20 points below Rivers. A rating that surpassed that of "Mr. 22 interceptions" by a mere five points. And he did it all with the best rushing attack in the league.

Apparently Plaxico Burress buys his ammunition at the same gun shop as Lee Harvey Oswald. That magic bullet didn't just lodge itself it Plax's leg - it completely blew the cover off Manning's success. A 1 and 5 record without Burress doesn't warrant a raise, it begs a demotion to the Arena League.

So why the glaring discrepancy between pay and play?

Rivers suffers the consequences of playing with three teammates who are within the top-three names at their respective positions - Tomlinson, Gates and Shawn Merriman. Manning reaps the benefits of Burress' $27 million refund.

The two quarterbacks pit paychecks against eachothers in a November 8 game at the Meadowlands. Dan Marino is already ranting about how his future Hall-of-Fame career would have commanded a larger paycheck than these two schlubs combined. I know, I can't wait either. To pass the time, here's a picture of the University of New Hampshire Football coach's son, who eerily resembles the Chargers' gunslinger: