What Can Brown Do For You?

Let's take a trip back in the past, all the way back to August when the '09 Yahoo league 552357 held it's fantasy draft. Wilt, sitting with the second pick, buried in a stack of statistical information. AP has to be going one, he obviously thought, as the seconds dripped down to the 7 p.m. draft start. The fuck is the second guy supposed to do?  Searching through the ranks of running backs, he decides it would be between Mo Jo and Michael Turner. Neither caught his fancy as the clock began to roll on the draft with Greatones sitting with the top pick. A minute passes by, as Wilt continues to assume AP will be off the board, seconds left......#1 Pick: LARRY FITZGERALD.


Flash forward to this weekend, where I take on the braindead soul of Greatones in week five of the Next Level league. Sitting at 3-1 Plaxico's Sweatpants (my team) has a large lead ahead of the third place team and only a loss behind the top squad. Greatones: dead last. The projections have the Sweats favored by 20. Deciding to have some fun with the mentally hadicaped Greatones, I combine the nordic trio Brett Farve, Sidney Rice, and my crown jewel Adrian's Peterson (leaving Donovan McNabb's 31 on the bench)

Sunday moves along smoothly, with no hiccup in the first slate of games, where AP goes for a modest 18 along with a combined 19 from Brett Rice.  Cedric Benson leads my squad with a 21 pointer to give me a solid 15 point lead heading into the late games. 

Eli Manning Paid First-Overall Pick Money, Phil Rivers Left with Fourth-Overall Scraps

Phillip Rivers is a bitch. He complains more than Jay Cutler, yet he lacks the Diabetes/low blood sugar excuse to justify it. I've cheered for Rivers once in my life - when he limped off the field in the '08 Divisional playoff game against the Colts, jawing with fans like an inebriated barfly whose credit card got rejected after his eighth rum and coke.

Did I mention he still drives a minivan? What a fag.

Childlike demeanor and questionable choice of transportation aside, Rivers deserves his 6-year, $91 million contract extension with the Chargers. Actually, he deserves more. Because Eli Manning's contract says so.

Following LaDanian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates' worst NFL seasons since their respective rookie campaigns, Rivers demonstrated his ability to make the best out of several wide receivers that wouldn't surpass the 2-spot on most depth charts. He somehow bitched and moaned his way to the top rating in the NFL, inexplicably beating The Quarterback God himself. Oh, right.

Manning, whose soft-spoken pussy-like disposition is equally irritating, recorded a rating nearly 20 points below Rivers. A rating that surpassed that of "Mr. 22 interceptions" by a mere five points. And he did it all with the best rushing attack in the league.

Apparently Plaxico Burress buys his ammunition at the same gun shop as Lee Harvey Oswald. That magic bullet didn't just lodge itself it Plax's leg - it completely blew the cover off Manning's success. A 1 and 5 record without Burress doesn't warrant a raise, it begs a demotion to the Arena League.

So why the glaring discrepancy between pay and play?

Rivers suffers the consequences of playing with three teammates who are within the top-three names at their respective positions - Tomlinson, Gates and Shawn Merriman. Manning reaps the benefits of Burress' $27 million refund.

The two quarterbacks pit paychecks against eachothers in a November 8 game at the Meadowlands. Dan Marino is already ranting about how his future Hall-of-Fame career would have commanded a larger paycheck than these two schlubs combined. I know, I can't wait either. To pass the time, here's a picture of the University of New Hampshire Football coach's son, who eerily resembles the Chargers' gunslinger: