Tiger Has Upset The Family

(Monday Morning, First tee, Bay Hill Golf Course, Orlando)



TIGER: I don't know what to do. The media is all over me. This is all spiraling out of control, much like that tee shot I just sprayed down the right side. I don't understand why people are infatuated with this.

DeAngelo Hall: The Tattle-Tail Thug

I didn't know if yall knew this, but DeAngelo Hall is a gangsta. And when you punk a gangsta when he is doin' the damn' thang, you best believe they gon' ryde.



OH SHIT SON. SHIT. BE. ON. You best be watchin' out the corna of yo eye, coach Smiff. Because there will be fines and reprimands up in dis jawnt. This some next level gangsta shit, D. Hall comin' fo yo integrity. You think you can get away with cussin' me out, pimpin? Pshh, FUCK NAW.

Everybody think that because D. Hall got snuck by the league leada in grit that D. Hall roll like some kinda bitch. D. HALL NOT NO BITCH.

You think I'm done after hittin' up the commissioner? Nah, son. I wasn't playin' when I said Coach Smiff knows where to find D. Hall. He gon' get his invite to my off-season dinner party like he always do. D. Hall got them good hospitality skills. BUT THEN I AINT GON TELL HIM THAT THE DINNER PARTY HAVE AN ALL-WHITE DRESS CODE. AINT NOTHIN LIKE PUNKIN A BITCH ON THAT FASHION TIP. BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO SWAG, D. HALL FRESHER THAN A MUH FUCKA.

Now if ya'll excuse me, I got to go pick me up some new lip balm. D. HALL DON'T RYDE WITH NO CHAPPED ASS BITCH LIPS.

Twitter Feed Cements 2009: Year of the Front-Running Douchebag

As if all the douchebaggery wasn't apparent in the photos floating around the various news outlets today, lo and behold, we have our douchebag du jour firing up his Twitter feed.

Is this guy anyone important? No. Does crude stuff like this happen on the internet all the time? Yes. But let this serve as a reminder that this is what we all have to look forward to until next October. Further more, the front-running asshats of the world have had quite the year.

Hopefully, this doesn't cast a cloud over the prospect of having an enjoyable 2010. Wait, they are talking about WHO for an MVP?

Fuck.

Let's Start the Insanity: Introducing Number 908 to the Family Permtree

The kids have made friends in the neighborhood. 

And when you are a loner like me, you need all the friends you can get. Despite my first objections to writing for a blog seemingly dedicated to the semen of Joe Pisarcik's worst nightmare, I have oh, so longed to join the prosperous and lucrative world of sports blogging. Like any self-serving weasel, I can see these guys are my ticket to hangin' with the cool kids. I've been told that nothing drops the panties quicker than lines like, "Hey sweetie, did you see my jumped 50 spots this week?" Or something like that.

So through some networking, (I don't see ANY OTHER WAY you could start blogging unless you know someone), Bubb Rubb and Will Stilts have graciously given me a set of keys to their bachelor pad. I will either a) pimp this shit out and get our asses on MTV cribs or b) bring this thing down in an epic, Michael Bay-esque ball of flames (but not before letting them know how I feel about their couch).

I am Number 908. Why? Because unlike the founding fathers of this site, "I be cakn patna." Ol' Nine-oh-eight has a job that might not agree with a constant stream of page views being logged due to dick jokes and pictures of chesticles. So his identity won't be revealed until someone catches him at his drunkest, and we will duplicate scenes already played out across the interwebz. The moniker, like so many others, is in fact a not-that-hard-to-figure-out TV show joke. I will leave it to you jackals to figure out.
What will I bring to the table? You mean besides the aformentioned tit pics?  Article XII of the Sports Blogging Constitution states that a sports blog MUST contain at least one writer who will continue to shove east coast bias down the masses throat. After all, these guys think Jameer Owens is the shortstop of the Phillies. As any Philadelphia fan will tell you, that offense is punishable by death in front of the cheesesteak stand. 

So dear and loyal readers, in the times when you don't feel like wasting hours looking for Taylor Rain's new leaked DVD, I will be here scouring the sports world and bringing you the latest in delicious, delicious sports Schadenfreude.

I, number 908, swear by oath to split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Or more like 100% the opposite. 

Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong.