Fred Phelps on: Antawn Jamison

Being from Kansas, I know my fair share of Christian friends. I have Rush Limbaugh on my email list and Glenn Beck on speed dial, but those guys are nothing compared to the guy in my mailing list. That is, of course, the radical and ruthless Civil Liberties lover, Fred Phelps.

Fred is quite a wordsmith as you can see here, so what else is there to do but hand this man the column he so deserves. We wanted to hear his thoughts on the Antawn Jamison trade to Cleveland yesterday.

(Unlocks maximum security cell)

WAHHHHHHH! Oh Jesus loving Christ I love being straight. How you doin' Permers. YOU'RE ALL SINNERS IF YOU'RE READING THIS! You hear me. Sinners. All of you.

DeAngelo Hall: The Tattle-Tail Thug

I didn't know if yall knew this, but DeAngelo Hall is a gangsta. And when you punk a gangsta when he is doin' the damn' thang, you best believe they gon' ryde.



OH SHIT SON. SHIT. BE. ON. You best be watchin' out the corna of yo eye, coach Smiff. Because there will be fines and reprimands up in dis jawnt. This some next level gangsta shit, D. Hall comin' fo yo integrity. You think you can get away with cussin' me out, pimpin? Pshh, FUCK NAW.

Everybody think that because D. Hall got snuck by the league leada in grit that D. Hall roll like some kinda bitch. D. HALL NOT NO BITCH.

You think I'm done after hittin' up the commissioner? Nah, son. I wasn't playin' when I said Coach Smiff knows where to find D. Hall. He gon' get his invite to my off-season dinner party like he always do. D. Hall got them good hospitality skills. BUT THEN I AINT GON TELL HIM THAT THE DINNER PARTY HAVE AN ALL-WHITE DRESS CODE. AINT NOTHIN LIKE PUNKIN A BITCH ON THAT FASHION TIP. BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO SWAG, D. HALL FRESHER THAN A MUH FUCKA.

Now if ya'll excuse me, I got to go pick me up some new lip balm. D. HALL DON'T RYDE WITH NO CHAPPED ASS BITCH LIPS.