Oh Dick's, you leave so many holes in your story

I had to show this for multiple reasons, all of which will be explained in just a second. First I want to start off by saying, seriously, why the fuck Dick's? Why the fucking name? Are you that desperate for attention that you named your palace of guys Dick's? And if you are in such a need for marketing material, then why the fuck do you make commercials like this. I digress..

Tim Tebow's Wonderlic test results

Sooner or later, everyone takes a standardized test in one form or another. For the vast majority of educated Americans, it determines whether or not their life takes a path of higher learning or a path of homelessness and AIDS. Standardized tests are the foundation of our society and nobody can refute that. STOP TRYING TO REFUTE IT.

Tim Tebow accumulated a score of 22 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test, a 12-minute NFL combine examination that assesses players' brain capacity. For those scoring at home, 22 out of 50 is homeless/AIDS territory in most other circumstances. And for the record, I will beat my child if he ever scores that low on any test in his life. EVEN IF IT'S IN A COOKING CLASS FOR WOMEN. NEVER LET A WOMAN BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING. JUST BECAUSE YOU MAKE THEM COOK AND DO LAUNDRY DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY'RE BETTER AT IT. YOU LET THEM DO IT BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL USEFUL.

I digress. 

Herm's Perm received a leaked copy of Tebow's Test. Don't ask how or why we obtain these highly guarded documents. Wilt's cousin works for Dan Rather and we'll leave it at that. Here are a few selected Tebow responses:

ROFLball: The week in March that sucks before the awesome

Perm's Portrait - Jail Break

Every year, March comes around and the NFL free agents from each team begin their migrate across the nation. It's a strange occurrence that can't be explained by scientists, but all we know is that they head to the money. This year is no different, at least for those unrestricted free agents. Those that are restricted, well, they're fucked.

Enjoy your new home Julius, and word to the Saints. You should probably resign Darren Sharper. He did kind of carry you to a FUCKING SUPER BOWL?!!!11!?

As for you Ronnie Brown, and Brandon Marshall, unless you can pull a first round pick out of your pants (Greg Oden sure can) you get to stay fucked on your shitty teams. And Brandon, Darrent Williams was totally your fault. HOW'S THAT FEEL? Probably not as bad as being a restricted free agent.

Fred Phelps hates the world of womens basketball

Hey fag fuckers. It's me again, your favorite Jesus interpreter, Freddy Phelps. I'm here to settle the dispute, about women's rights. THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE 'EM!

You see that game last night? The one with that chick who punched another chick. WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY DOING NOT MAKING BABIES?

Here's the video if you didunt catch it last night.

Sherronald is MAH BOI

Tonight is the last home game of the year at the Fieldhouse of the Phog. Many of you could give two shits, but I GIVE TWO SHITS. It's been four years since I became a KU sports fan. I know it seems bandwagonny, but it's not. It's just a fact that when I got the acceptance letter from KU, I was destined become a fan. If Iowa State had given me a better scholarship package I might be a cyclone fan right now. Thank god for out-of-state tuition.

Anyways, for the last four years I have reveled in the little wide-load guy from the Chi – Sherron Collins. He came from high school as a little cornrowed balla who ate up his competitors, digested them, and then shit them out in the form of an McDonalds All-American appearance.

He came to Lawrence where he became the newcomer of the year in the Big 12, helping a Julian Wright-led team to the elite eight in 07. He came back next year to assist the game tying three pointer against Memphis in '08. He single handedly carried the 09 team to the sweet sixteen and now is staring at the most wins in Kansas history with a win tonight.

Hipster Craig on: NFL combine

(lights up menthol cigarette)

You know how the NFL is all about speed? Yeah, well I don't like it. You know, I don't have this need for physical attributes on my team. That was sooo 2005. I want some heart, but not that forced heart like Tim Tebow. 

He is sooo whack. All his religious principles, looking down on other people on his pedestal of Jesus. Not for me. Not for my team, the Raiders. You know why I like the Raiders?