Random skanks were fine, but now Tiger's crossed a line.

Call me the rhymenocerous, bitches. Tiger Woods' (and anyone else's) personal life is none of my business. And it's none of your business. And, really, as fascinating as it might be to see someone who was on top of the world fall so incredibly far and look so incredibly human (and by human, I mean whorish), I don't really care all that much. And fuck ETSMPZN (that's ESPN with TMZ mixed in there, you see?).

Of course Tiger was getting some side poon. When you break it down, does that really shock anyone all that much? Now, the scope of this scandal is one thing, but what athlete isn't cleaning his pipes behind his wife's back? The number is probably something like 75 percent. This is why Derek Jeter just didn't get married. He can smash any random slag he wants and no one cares!

Big FU to ESPN's Great John Hollinger

I recently got a letter from a reader asking:

What do you think about John Hollinger's PER ratings on ESPN?
-Imaji Nary (Buttphuck, Kansas)

Thanks for the question Imaji. I hear the weather down there is swampy and hot this time of year. Please use some protection, from the sun of course. To answer your question, No. I won't even comment on that. Anybody who sets up a ranking system where Andrew Bynum is listed as the eighth best player is either are from LA or doesn't know the term injury prone.

John used math to compile stats like a fucking junk yard, and then fancies it up with derivatives, sigmas and lamdas. It makes no sense. Especially when this person doesn't explain his scoring, or why the hell Greg Oden is ranked higher than Steve Nash, LaMarcus Aldridge and Carlos Boozer. So, to counter Hollinger's projections, I'll make up my own, stricly based on how badass, sexy, and awesome these players are.

#1-Lebron James- Yeah, go fuck your Chris Paul in the rectum Hollinger. Lebron is clearly the most talented, tooled, and badass player in the world, ever. This should go without saying, but for some reason I have to say it.

Lamar Odom's Wedding Reeks of Class

This weekend marked the biggest event in the history of irrelevance since an Asian man and a blonde whore had eight kids, got their own TV program and then went splittsville.

Lamar Odom showed up for his wedding ceremony with Khloe Kardashian (more than you can say for half of the past Lakers season) and got "married." That term should be used more loosely than a Brett Favre "retirement."

The theme of the wedding appeared to be casual/who fucking cares, which is reflected in many of the guests' attire. It's also reflective of the feelings that the newlyweds have for each other. Pictures after the jump.

Kobe Bryant Loses Popularity Contest to Elderly Spanish Singer Whom I've Never Heard of and a Guy from Kansas

The people of Los Angeles have spoken. Emerging victorious as the person who Angelenos would "most like to eat lunch with" was Plácido Domingo, a Spanish tenor who serves as the General Director of the Los Angeles Opera. Philip Anschutz of AEG placed second.

Upon first impression, this is completely baffling. Kobe Bryant is so popular, that his mere being invokes Rodney King-level insanity. Exhibits A, B and C:


Anschutz and Domingo's combined entertainment values produce a slightly more subdued result:
Upon closer review, the poll appeared exclusively online. The likeliness of Exhibits A and B owning a computer is worse than the Chiefs' Super Bowl chances, so this really wasn't a fair assessment to begin with. Kobe unofficially wins because the vast majority of his supporters lack the financial support and intellectual ability to respond to a poll, let alone understand the meaning of the word.

Edit: Kyle would like me to point out that Anschutz not only comes from Kansas, but attended the University of Kansas and has a library on campus named after him. Thanks Kyle, you arrogant prick.