Mizzou does it again.

I know this seems to be a recurring segment, but ratting on Missouri is my best attribute. Of course other than my average sized penis which make women say "ok". This video came to my attention via Deadspin. Let's just do a rundown through some lines here.

First, that wife beater, no matter how fitting it is that is on a Missourian, is much to small. This means hiphopster. Also, douche.

Second, get a fucking ihome. This isn't 2001 asshole. MP4's bitches. GO KU.

Third, this campus is shit.

"We don't need a practice field, this floor is our turf." Too poor to have a practice field? And, as far as I know, volley ball is only played on court surface or sand. No in between bullshit like grass. Save that for field hockey.

"Let me start off by sayin' (said in the middle of the verse) I know it's volley ball but it's not a game we're playin'" No? It isn't? You don't play volleyball? How bout pin the tail on the Mizzou girl? It's like pin the tail on the donkey. Let me rephrase that. It is pin the tail on the donkey.

"If you're in our path then we'll cut off your lights" That right there sir is a misdemeanor.

Something to notice is the underage-edness of the cheerleaders. This is customary of many Missourians. Break em in early. Make them all late.

"It's safe to assume that Katie's gonna put it down ... BOOM (ejaculation)."

Oh look. The tiger is eating blue and red shirts. NOOOO. GOD FORBID THEY PUT THE TWO MOST POPULAR COLORS IN THE MOUTH OF A BRASS TIGER.

And then of course a money shot of a tiger fucking two girls on a tiger. SO META!

FASA - Week 2

STILL NOT RIGHT BUT DEAL WITH IT. ALCOHOL CAN BE A DRUG. IF YOU SUCK AT IT.

This week lacked the posts I was hoping to provide, but Kansas lost to North Dakota STATE. I've been using that excuse for everything this week. Hey, you wanna go to class today? NORTH DAKOTA STATE! (Goes back to bed, puts pillows over ears, and rolls around).

But, at last, the weekend is here and I can drink again. And you better bet that I will not remember the Georgia Tech game tomorrow at 11. As for your buzz? We'll I will help supply your consumption guidelines. The games this week are so much better than last week's.

Numbers stand for amount of drinks and the statement guides you as to when you are supposed to drink those drinks. Quotes signal things the announcers say. Parenthesis signal a camera shot of something. Let's GOOOOOOO... (Puts on North Dakota State Bison mascot head)

6 - Interceptions

2 - First downs

5 - Option plays

FRIDAY:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BLOW ME FOR BLOCKING?!

West Virginia @ Marshall - 7 et - ESPN

1 - Noel Devine has a rush attempt

2 - Marshall first downs

3 - West Virginia kicks through goal posts.

4 - "Rich Rodriguez"

5 - Marshall scores

300 - If Marshall's airplane crashes into the West Virginia practice.

Finish a beer if Marshall covers the spread (13)

SATURDAY:

Catching NCAA allegations.

Georgia vs South Carolina - 12 et - ESPN 2

1 - Marcus Lattimore gets a touch

2 - Georgia throws for a first down

3 - "Steve Spurrier"

4 - "A.J. Green + suspended"

5 -  "NCAA investigates South Carolina"

200 - Stephen Garcia does Cock Pushups

Finish a beer no matter the outcome. It's fucking Saturday. Act like it's Saturday.

Proper form means nothing to Jacory

Miami vs Ohio State - 3:30 et - ESPN

1 - Terrelle Pryor runs

2 - Jacory Harris runs

3 - Leonard Hankerson touches the ball

4 - (Jim Tressel and his vest)

5 - Terrelle Pryor throws a pick

200 - The quarterbacks stop and ask Jim Tressel for reparations.

Crack a beer open like Willis McGahee's knee and down it for a Miami win.

I'm touchin' mah dick.

Penn State vs Alabama - 7 et - ESPN

1 - (Erin Andrews)

2 - "Erin Andrews"

3 - "Mark Ingram + injury"

4 - "Joe Paterno + old"

5 - Penn State advances into Alabama territory

300 - If Joe Paterno dies on the sideline. This goes for every week.

Finish 2 beers in less than ten minutes if Penn State "Nitts" their way to a win. I'm ashamed of that joke.


SONG THAT WOULD RANK #1 IN THE BCS RANKINGS FOR THIS WEEKEND

 

XV is from Kansas and just dropped his mixtape, "VizzyZone" and if you don't have it already, get it.


Herm Sperm

In honor of her doing things in Machete which I haven't seen. Probably sex or something. Or dying. Who knows.

College ROFLball: Week One Football

FASA - Friday Afternoon Swig of Alcohol - Week One

It's not new, but I'm photoshop-less so screw it.

This is a sequel to last year's hit blog post. It's like Iron Man II. Much more simple, and dumbed down, but it's flashy as hell. And yes, there will be some ScarJo, as well as other good looking ladies through the weeks. Also, there will be drinking guidelines to the weekends games. I find this much more enjoyable than actually predicting stuff, cause I blow.

To begin, let me explain the rules. There will be a number before a statement. This will represent the amount of drinks you consume at the inception of the even explained. This is generally a reference to beer, but mixed drinks do work as well, and unless you're Joe Namath, probably not a good call to use hard alc. So, with only a paragraph of delay, welcome to FASA - II

FOR ALL GAMES:

1 – First downs.
4 – Touchdowns
7 – Interception

PEW. BEST THROW EVAR

 FRIDAY - 8 pm et - Arizona vs Toledo - ESPN

5 – Any reference about Arizona immigration law.

5 – Lebron James references.

3 – Talk of the Utah game from Thursday.

6 – Utah to the Pac-10 talk.

3 – Toledo makes a field goal.

FINISH A BEER – If Toledo propelles their rockets to a win.

Let me get that knot out of your shoulders.

SATURDAY - 12 pm et - Florida vs Miami (OH) - ESPN

2 – Something about Tebow. (there will be a lot).

5 – Miami (OH) scores in any way.

4 – Mention of Uban Meyer's leave or heart thing.

100 – Talk of Brandon Spikes' sex tape.

FINISH TWO BEERS – If Florida plays like tiny penis-ed people and Miami (OH) wins.

It's the unusual 69 hug.

3:30 pm et - Texas vs Rice - ESPN

4 – Colt McCoy references

3 – National championship reference

4– Gilbert is from Austin mention

7 – "Rice is overmatched" or something to that tone.

4 – Shot of an Asian Rice fan.

FINISH ONE AND A HALF BEERS – If the Owls twist the Longhorns' neck a full 360 and win. 

Poopsie Dasies

7:45 pm et - TCU vs Oregon State - ESPN

4 – Mention of loss to Boise State last year

5 – Comment on TCU's new jerseys

6 – Reference to Obama's step-brother who coaches at OSU

2 – Obligatory non-BCS school reference

4 – Heisman talk for Jacquizz Rodgers

FINISH HALF A BEER AND GO OUT AND DRINK YOUR HEART OUT – If Oregon State kind of upsets TCU.



8 pm et - North Carolina vs LSU - ABC

1 – Mentioning of a name of one of the suspended players on UNC

4 – Reference of LSU's terrible offense last year

6 – Reference to UNC basketball

3 – LSU's chances in the SEC

5 – Talk of agents and NCAA rules.

7 – The total score exceeds 30

FINISH YOUR DRINK – If someone wins. Then end you're night at a bar and or party.



SONG THAT WOULD RANK #1 IN THE BCS RANKINGS FOR THIS WEEKEND.



HERM SPERM FOR THE WEEK – SCAR JO AS PROMISED EARLIER.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - SEC

The grand finale of Preseason Partying and Bullshit ends with the best, most athletic, most talented, and most racist of them all. THE SEC. Short for non-secular of course. Because they love Jesus, and the only thing they love more than Jesus is football. And hating blacks and gays and spics and japs and wetbacks and athiests and agnostics and .... GEORGIA. FUCK 'EM. GO GATORS. YEE HAWWWW!!! (Plays washboard)

AWWWWW SHEET. MAH KNEE. SURGERY!

Tebow has left the Gators and is now pursuiting his life long dream of being a journeyman back up quarterback.

Mark Ingram has let the undeserved Heisman trophy get to his head. Getting all that attention from his knee surgery like a regular pre-madonna.

Les Miles got a shout out on True Blood last week. You know what that means? I'm gay for watching that show.


Tennessee is still pissed at Lane Kiffin, but seriously. Who would choose Knoxville over Los Angeles. If you said "I would :(" then fuck you.


Predictions

Pregame festivities at Ole Miss. GO REBELS WHOOO!

Alabama ROLLS. See what I did there. ROLL TIDE.

UFL HERE I COME. Styrofoam cups for everyone!

Florida can't keep the devil out of their soul without the help of Tebow. Urban Meyer's heart explodes as they get a third place finish. Erin Andrews cries.

South Carolina sucks cocks. middle to lower end of the league.

Georgia still misses Matty Stafford. Still suck.

LSU is better than you think because they have merged their vampire nations with Mississippi. Still referencing True Blood. Still gay.

Auburn wins some games with the FORMER HEAD COACH OF IOWA STATE AT THEIR HELM. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

Ole Miss' quaterbacking drops as Jeramiah Masoli sits out a year. They do have a rise in domestic robberies though.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Pac 10

The Pacific 10 holds the title of most uncared for conference, and rightly so. Their west coast time zone relegates all their games to 9 pm start times in the east coast. By that time, people are already drunk looking for a hookup. 9 pm football games on a Saturday night might as well be an Iranian league soccer game. Therefore, no one cares about this conference. Also, it is just assumed that USC will win the conference, and everyone knows, the human spirit feeds of intrigue, and not expectations. That's why they went out and got good old Utah for the bunch. Intrigued NOW BITCH???!?!??!?

You mean CONTINUED INDEFINITELY

Oregon has a five finger discount policy on campus.

USC athletics doesn't use a wallet. The money just sits around in their pants, and if SOMEHOW, someone finds a few dollars that isn't supposed to have those dollars....JOE MCKNIGHT I SEE YOU.

Stanford produces sex addicts. Proven fact, by Stanford researchers.

UCLA gets to play K-state this year. The battle between the two lesser important schools in their state.

Arizona's A stands for alcohol.



Predictions

GO LONG. REALLY LONG. LIKE, TO SEATTLE.

USC plays Dillon Baxter. The world jizzes over themselves. He's considered for a Heisman but gets the Adrian Peterson treatment. USC wins the conference, and doesn't go to a bowl game.

Ducks are fucking assholes.

Stanford goes to the Rose Bowl as the second place team. USC bitches about it. No one cares.

Oregon steals a game @ Stanford but gets beat by USC.

Oregon State looses to TCU and Boise State, completing the worst ever scheduled season ever. Dumb asses.

Washington and Jake Locker play well and finish third. They become depressed because they wanted first place. They then shoot themselves with a shot gun after fucking Courtney Love.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big 1T1en

I know this is supposed to be the cream of the crop of conferences. Old schools, with high prestige in many sports and academics. Hell, they are even awesome in celebration. See Michigan State U in 1999 basketball. But, we can all hate on these guys. That's be cause they are the man. And you know what they say. Lightly scratch the skin off their chin until you reach bone to the man. Or fuck the man. I like the first. Anyways, it's the last year of the Big 11 and soon to be the Big 10+2. I'll chin rape Nebraska.

Hmmm. What would Descates do here?

Ohio State last year had their chances, and yet still couldn't understand how a running black quarterback couldn't throw. Still think he should have played basketball.

Michigan has been cheating, but they can because they are the man. Although their coach is Mexican I think?

Notre Dame is still not in their league. Props to that I guess.

Iowa has the best coach in this league, because anyone that can convince someone to live in Iowa is a saint. Drew Brees could do it though.

Penn State is likes clan apparel.

Predictions

Only looks good at quarterback when photoshoped.

Ohio State get's endorsed by Kirk Herbstreit. Then in an attempt to interview Terrelle Pryor he trips and accidentally cuts Pryor's artery with his gelled hair. They finish second.

Penn State (insert old Joe Paterno joke here). Finish third.

Iowa angers all as they win every game and go to the national championship. This in no way has anything to do with the fact that I was born in Iowa.

Michigan continues to rebuild. Still can't run the spread.

Northwestern sucks, but the school newspaper has great headlines, utilizing puns.

Wisconsin eats the other teams players on home games.

Minnesota is cold. Ice fishing. Winter stuff.

Michigan State hires Larry Izzo to the head coach of the football team. They make it to the final four... again.