The Nets are getting desperate.

As many of you NBA followers know, the Nets are bad. Really bad. They are worse off than J-WOWW's cancered skin cells. They are that bad. Since they are so bad, they've actually began looking for a new head coach for next season, and it's not even the all star game yet.

We have our hook ups here at the Perm, so I decided to put a phone call into Jay-Z and find out how he plans to fix the Nets. What resulted sounded more desperate than the screams for help from refugees in Haiti.

Perm's Portraits - Lane Shittin

Rappers love to shit on others. Just ask Lil Wayne. His shit jokes fire off freely like Kobe Bryant jumpshots. He's never afraid, but it's actually Kanye who encompasses everything that went down in Tennessee.

To catch a predator: Spread Offense

(Chris Hanson standing in an empty room with the lights out)

Tonight on Dateline, a disturbing trend among the ranks of college football. People have been beat, racisted, and yelled at. Young 20 somethings, working on their degree by way of football have received more than just a scholarship at the universities they choose. They have found some frightening experiences.

(lights turn on)

Those experiences all come down to one thing, Spread Offense.

(cut to interview with Michael Crabtree)

Abusive Coaches Anonymous

In a local Tampa Bay high school locker room, three figures are seen sitting in folding chairs, all facing each other. They sip coffee and nibble on stale danishes while discussing sports, their wives' cooking and other inconsequential topics. Suddenly, the door is violently thrown open, revealing an aryan-looking man in a green polo and visor.

Leavitt: OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE! JIMMYBOY'S HERE! Shit, this is one sorry-looking pack of pussies. I have to waste an hour of my Friday night for the next 10 weeks with you assholes? (throws hat on ground). DAG GUMMIT!

Don Drapers Selling Tactics: Draper Loses an Account

Roger Sterling: So Don, what are we gonna do about the Johnson account. You heard they cut the umbilical cord on him.

Don: (deep sigh) Yeah. I have him coming in in about ten minutes. I'll deal with him then.

Sterling: I know we've had our share of issues with him, but he is one hell of a negro to get drinks with.

Don: Would you shut the fuck up. I'm going through a divorce.

Sterling: I know, I know. Me and Jane have been having crazy 1960's missionary sex all week. I wouldn't be able to make it through a week without it. I don't know how you've done it.

Don: Oh it's ok. (lights cigarette) I've got relations with my daughter's teacher to tide me over

(Larry Johnson opens door)

Leave Tom Cable Alone!

(Wilt Editor's Note: Bubb has always been a commander of the woman's equal rights movement. He is actively pursuing a degree in womens history with a minor in gynecology. He also has uses maxi pads daily, so don't label Bubb as a sexist. If anything you should be promoting this devotion.)

It's not enough that Tom Cable is stuck coaching a team that is the brunt of one-third of every NFL franchise joke (Browns, Redskins), and must educate a quarterback whose intellect would be complimented if called imbecilic. No, his world hasn't achieved an acceptable level of misery yet. Now, the coach is being ridiculed by the National Organization of Women (NOW), who want him ousted from his position.

Let's pause for a minute and appreciate that a group of woman organizers is called NOW. Women demanding immediacy?? Whodathunkit!