USC destroys Minorities

When I left the final intrasquad scrimmage at the Coliseum today, the Trojan starters were pummeling the second- and third-string black squad by 34. Matt Barkley looked solid, as did Aaron Corp. I have a v-neck farmers tan. Ronald Johnson is out six to eight fucking weeks with a broken collarbone that he suffered early on in the game. Here are some sub-par iPhone pics:

Matt Barkley (7) jogs out of the tunnel after halftime

The team taking the field after halftime

The Man, The Legend, Taylor Fucking Mays

Taylor Mays conversates/intimidates an innocent fan

Damian Williams is much lonelier with RoJo's injury
Ignore the Tapout-wearing douchebag, and focus on the camaraderie in front of him

The ever-elusive Pete Carroll jogs onto the field

The black team, which could still beat last year's UW squad
Look who's avoiding Toronto at all costs! (Not pictured are Leonard Washington, Alex Stepheson and Marcus Johnson, who all attended)

Perm-O-Meter August, 27th, VICK'S BACK

As I checked my phone this morning, I was pleased to find a drunk message from Bubb Rubb lingering in my voicemail. Hilarity ensued with the listening of said voicemail, and my great day began. Two classes later, I found that Vick had him self a solid first game, which apparently prompted a response from our main man Herman.

Sal starts it off with the obvious, "how did he play tonight?' question which follows with an immediate response with full on confidence. Confidence that lends itself to a pat on the back of Sal Paolantonio. If you watch closely, you can see this disturbs Sal's concentration as he leers at the camera seconds after Herm's contact. Then, as Herm is proclaiming Vick's inability to be elusive and why it's still acceptable, Sal busts down the door. This clearly perturbs Herm who takes a dishearteningly gaze towards the camera. Oh the fireworks of television journalism, and only in the first 33 seconds.

Herm fights on through Sal's arrogance to portray a well dictated conversation, almost Obama-esque. He tells America that the rhythm was a little stagnant when MV7 stepped on the field with McNabb. Then a comforting line (for eagles fans) that it's only been 3 weeks and the system just needs to be worked on. As Sal closes out the interview, Herm gazes into that camera, clearly disturbed with what went about, frowning, looking for a good time to land a solid right hook into that silver haired bastard.

Herm was outstanding, coherent, educating, and of course energetic, but Sal almost pushed him over the line last night. In the end Herm did what he could to salvage the situation, so he gets a 4 permformance. Sal on the other hand only gets the recognition of being labeled douchebag.

SOCCER. I'm Not Even Joking

Well in a way I am joking, but it's more of a toying with an idea. Just imagine if we had a national sport, like the rest of the world, where every single athlete that shows prowess gets entered into. What if the most athletic players in the world (obviously American athletes) were to play on one team? That would be more fun than a night of drinking with Donte Stallworth, Diana Taurasi and Zack Randolf. Well, this is what I came up with as a universal soccer team for the US.

Lebron would swat balls from that goal like Billy Ray Cyrus does to Miley's vagina. Hell, he would have more clean sheets than than a 14 year old honor student that's also a level 79 wizard on world of warcraft. No one is getting nylon with Lebron. Of course, you'd have to get to Lebron first which could be a task in itself. Think of Polamalu and Urlacher sweeping up back there. Troy would instantly frighten forwards with his combo of perm and upper body strength. Urlacher would instantly get red cards attributed due to his brute strength. No soccer player is running through him or that wall of defense.

Then we have the left and right backs, Chris Paul and Derrick Rose. This was tough for me cause I was considering them midfielders but at the left and right back, they could range the sidelines. Both are athletic as hell, and tall for soccer players, at around 6'2". They would be elusive and would make the US the best possessive team in the world with their point guard mentality.

The Midfielders are frightening. If you thought Kaka was athletic, then these guys would be the Wilt Chamberlains to the worlds 1950 rosters. Chad OchoCinco would find his name suddenly acceptable in soccer and, considering his kicking skills, would make for a great midfielder to start the counter attack. Then Steve Smith and his blazing speed at the left wing is perfect 'cuz soccer does require a located right shoulder. Dwayne Wade might be the best player on this team thanks to his ridiculous body control and relentless attack. His IQ is what made me put him at the wing, though, instead of forward so he could work both ends of the field. Then it's LT-the man that has mastered the mystery injury, yet in soccer, your turf toe wont be such a distraction. No hard cuts in soccer, and with a relatively healthy body, he would dominate and have no problem crossing over defenders on the pitch.

 Finally, the forwards that start with B.J. Upton. Yeah, seems weird as hell, but he's the only baseball player I could see playing soccer. He's got the size, and athleticism. Plus, he's a lanky ass motherfucker so he would fit the Thierry Henry model. Mainly it's just cause I felt bad for baseball and had to throw someone in the mix cause it sure as hell wasn't going to be C.C. Sabathia. How 'bout Curt Schilling does the blogging for the team. Decent compromise? I think so.

Then at the top of the key pitch would be MVP  forward Kobe Bryant. This has nothing to do with the fact that he lived in Italy as a kid, and promotes his soccer skills like it's his new MVP campaign. It's just because he fits a mold that no other player in the world fits. He'd be the tallest guy on the field (minus Lebron) and has the body type and quickness that forwards want, and the best part, he can take as many shots as he wants. He doesn't have to pass, no, he can just shoot, 'cuz that's what forwards do. Kobe can yell at his teammates all he wants as well, 'cuz in those hostile environments worldwide, their not fucking hearing him. Well, at least they can act like they can't. It's almost if this should have been his destiny. Unfortunately he ended up in the NBA where anyone not in LA or on the ESPN roster despises him.

Still, I want this team on FIFA right now. There's nothing stopping me except for EA restrictions to created players.  Dammit the game is supposed to be fun, not serious. Oh well, maybe one day I wont have to create this team 'cuz it will be enacted on the real USA soccer team. Uhhh? Naww.

You go, Billy Donovan

The newest member of the Gator's basketball team is a Jew. His name is Nimrod. Oxymoron? Yes. Talented recruit? I doubt it.

Vegas odds for Nimrod's conversion to Bourn again Christianity by Tim Tebow are over/under three weeks. And in the unlikely chance he hasn't been clipped, he'll know exactly where to go.

UC Boulder Endorses the Reefer, Rejects School-Spirited Beer

You may be familiar with the University of Colorado's reputation as the marijuana capital of the collegiate world. Approximately 10,000 stoners congregated at CU's quad last April for the annual celebration of munchies, laziness and incessant giggling over absolutely nothing. In case you missed it, here's video evidence:

Weed, as most people know, is illegal in most locations and under most circumstances, regardless of age. Beer, however, is not. Naturally, CU expressed their disapproval of the more logical choice by condemning Budweiser's latest marketing campaign for early cirrhosis with the school-themed "fan can."

The cans feature custom colors that reflect those of the school's, but don't include any school logos, names, mascots and the like. Granted, sports and school spirit are to CU students as premarital sex, booze and swearing are to Mormons. But shit, this just might be the best way to make them care about anything besides their bongs and Bob Marley posters.

Somehow, according to the opposed universities, Budweiser's promo is infringing on school trademarks and endorsing - Jah forbid - underage drinking. So quit complaining and go blaze, you hooligans.

Typically, I'd side with Budweiser on this one and fight the power, man. However, California is excluded from the promotion, which prevents me from shotgunning out of a Cardinal and Gold can. So go fuck yourselves, you nazis. I'll take my Corona and lime.

Watching Young Talented Children Play with Balls.

New York vs Texas. A heated rivalry that dates back decades to the days when people actually gave a shit about character. Only one sport has brought out the ferociousness of this rivalry. Little League Baseball. These kids hate each other more than Braylon Edwards hates catching passes. Think of the toughest rivalries in the world: Russia vs US, Chelsea vs Man U, Duke vs NC. This one tops them all. These kids were specifically engineered for this day, where the two states face off. We can all expect some fireworks on the field tonight, and probably multiple base running errors. So go kids, flaunt your talents, 'cuz maybe someday, with the help of HGH, you can become Gary Sheffield. A prude asshole that holds his bat like he's Michael J. Fox. Ok. Time to be hypercritical of 11 year olds.

Hey, Michael Phelps can still find free time between his busy schedule of swimming and underwater weed vaporizing to enjoy the little things in life.

"I was flipping through the channels and came across the little league world series on tv. it brought back a bunch of memories to when I played baseball before I gave it up to concentrate on swimming (think that ended up being a good choice), but I am still a fan."

First of all, did he learn English from Helen Keller? Just 'cuz you won 8 golds doesn't excuse you from proper punctuation and capitalization. Second of all, the closest he would have ever gotten to a major league baseball team is the San Fran Bay. Anyways, the game is calling me.

First Inning-

Top-Wow the entirety of the NY team has a major dick crush on Jason Marquis. Since when has a mediocre starter been this popular? Nick Adenhart? Darryl Kile? Well apparently Marquis didn't teach these guys hitting 'cuz they've banked 2 hits in 2 at bats....make that 3. Unfortunately, a double play takes two of those runners down and leaves a couple on second and third. Then a Greinke esque curveball K's some kid to finish the top. That's how you win games. Load the bases and then strikout and ground out. Someone has been watching the Royals a bit too much.

Bottom-I remember the day when these kids would announce Big Papi as their fav. Now it's Josh Hamilton and Chase Utley. Baseball is going backwards. As NY can't hit the strike zone, I think to myself, how hard is it to hit the mit at this age? These kids are almost 6 foot tall and pitching 3/4 closer than they should be. Yet, their accuracy is worse than Dick Cheney's. A walk and then a double assisted with an outfield bobble leads to second and third and no one out. Single and one run comes in, and a wild pitch heads to the backstop and another comes in. 2 K's and the Texans look to strand a runner so NY won't feel so bad. And they do. Solid strategy by the coaches.

Second Inning-

Top- Impressive play by the second basemen who dives with his 14" glove and hands it to the first baseman. This is what pisses me off in little league. The fields are way too small. I'm not saying it should be 90' bases, but at least make the field look like the players should be playing on it. Instead it looks like you have a field full of Yao Mings out there. Oh, and there was a 1 2 3 inning. Bleh

Bottom-Oh god no. They have a kid reporter talking to the damn kids. Where is Erin Andrews? That's the only reason the fathers come to Williamsport. Good god. New York's third baseman has to be Troy Glaus' son. He's bigger than an airforce base. Anyways there is 2 outs now and a runner on first. No one gives a shit about the outcome, but TX is up 2 nil. Double down the left field line brings in a run and brings the camera towards the fans. Who else gets pissed off when they show the parents? I mean, we fucking know your excited. It's a stipulation when your a parent. This is a long ass inning now. A two out rally produces two runs and two runners. It also produces the coach from the dugout to take out the kid who wont be sleeping for the next month. Newbie comes in and shuts 'em down.

Third Inning-

Top-This inning is so boring. Walk and then a single up the middle. This is just frustrating. I want some damn home runs. Shit, the bases are loaded now. Grand slam ties it up, but TX pegs a batter drawing in a run. There are no outs too. Double play and the inning finishes.

Bottom-Ugh, two and half innings is enough of this shit. I'm just splattering profanity on the page now. Maybe I'll do the international one so I can make fun of how awkward the other countries' kids are. Also, for anyone still reading, There will be a season preview for the college football season upcoming. Hopefully it will be entertaining. Don't get too damn excited though. It's just a preview. Just wait for a season recap. It'll blow your condom off.

I Dream of Brady

I think dreams provide a unique insight into our subconscious emotions and how the events in our life influence them.

Psych.

Dreams are useless hallucinations that present little importance to anyone, with the exception of those who monetize them through interpretation. So in the honor of Herm's Perm raching the $10 mark, I'd like to share one of my dreams with you, so we can speculate on how

retardedly insane I am. And maybe make some moolah in the process (mo' hits, mo money baby!).

We begin with the Patriots 2009 season-opener. Brady breaks the huddle and calls signals from the shotgun formation with Moss wide left. He takes the snap, drops back to his own 15-yard line and bombs one to Ocho Uno, who hauls it in at the opponent's 15. A 70-yard flight that nestles perfectly into Moss' breadbasket before he's brought down by the safety.

Instead of calmly and confidently jogging down the field, or enacting a celebratory fist-pump, Brady just stands there. He looks over at Belichick and the Pats' sideline. I see the emotion welling in his face as he removes his helmet (which doesn't elicit a penalty flag, for some reason). And he begins to bawl like a baby. Tears of joy erupt from his eyesockets like Old Faithful. As I watch this, I'm inexplicably overwhelmed by empathy, while feeling slightly disturbed at the same time.

After brief reflection, this could mean one of many things.

1. Brady shares my relief that it's finally football season.

I haven't restrained myself in bemoaning the serious lack of sports in my life during the past three months. I've blogged about it, I've thought about it and I've forced it upon every willing and unwilling person who shares my love for sports (sans baseball and curling). The NFL offseason has enough non-game related story lines for a football spinoff of Law and Order. Baseball is fucking gay. I just learned who Messi was this past summer. I wouldn't be shocked if I collapse in a fit of joy when the Pats kick off in less than three weeks. Like this, but with less decapitation-induced madness:

2. Stephon Marbury's hysterical sadness is contagious.

Brady's irrational breakdown in my dream may be a prophecy for an epidemic of professional athlete insanity with intensely tearful symptoms. Can you imagine in LeBron's first regular season game with Sidekick Shaq, as the two hook up for an alley-oop, followed by a tearful embrace that would make Dr. Phil proud? If the Yankees end their World Series drought this year, will A-Rod, Jeter, Sabathia and Teixeira have to dry their eyes with hundred dollar bills at the press conference? If all this happens, will the Oxygen network be forced to buy the television contracts for all major professional sports? Jesus Ovary Overloading Christ.

3. Tom Brady's public image will be tarnished by a personal or legal event

Remember how I said he threw the ball 70 yards on a dime? Nobody's done that since Mike Vick. Brady's only run-in with the law since his emergence as a public figure occurred when some hobo stole his planters. Has anyone heard from this man since? Nope. Why? Because his rotting corpse is fertilizing the foliage that is growing out of those same planters. Tom Brady doesn't stand for that shit. He's smart enough to know nobody cares enough about homeless people to investigate their mysterious disappearances. It's much easier for people to think optimistically, and hope they've become a blight to some other town. From a personal standpoint, I hope this interpretation is way off base. Sixteen consecutive regular season games without Brady is enough for one lifetime.