September 23, 2009

A Day in the Life of Tyshawn Taylor

I had the chance to tag along with fellow KU student Tyshawn Taylor yesterday, and man what an exciting day it was. I decided to transcribe it in all it's glory for all to see, a day in the life of Tyshawn Taylor.

Signs of life begin in the 314 room of Jayhawker Towers. A young man begins his early morning ritual of tossing his sheets off his bed, and in the process, kicking his slut of the night to the floor. He mumbles an incoherent set of words, followed by a line that all sluts have heard at one point or another. Time to move bitch our I'll Markieff your ass. (referring to Markieff Morris who shot an old lady last year with a pellet gun.). The whore leaves with a face of disappointment as Tyshawn logs onto his laptop and checks the Chad Ford's mock draft, only to see he has dropped out of the lottery. A few cuss words and a shower later he is ready for class.

Tyshawn walks to class everyday to keep his campus aura up. Although he is a clear third wheel to Cole Aldrich and Sherron Collins, he still gets, as he says, mad love from the students here. Lately though, the newspapers at KU have been a little too football oriented for Taylor's liking. I'm not sayin I hate the football team, but they (are) only ranked 19. Man we (are) ranked one. That's the best in the nation and I have a gold medal. I need face time. I'm from Jersey City. I'm from the slums and I was gonna go to Marquette, but thanks to a coaching change, I am here. People should be grateful even to have me. Clearly perturbed, he enters his class, African American Studies, and picks a seat next to Marcus Morris which is also the farthest seat from the professor. Conversation get's heavy as the two begin hating on the football team.

Man, we need to have more coverage man, Taylor says, But we just ain't gettin it. I'm so frustrated. Marcus responds I know it's so frustrating (by now class is well underway and yet the two continue) I want to have a picture of me rebounding in practice. I'm a top 100 recruit, WHO THE HELL DOES KERRY MEIER THINK HE IS? At this point the two have begun yelling. Not a word from the professor as the class ends.

Finished with classes, Tyshawn heads down to practice with some of the guys. He sees Xavier Henry and asks if his daddy can complain to the paper to improve the basketball teams coverage. Xavier whispers to CJ (his brother) looks back to Tyshawn and nods with approval. According to the team, The Henry brothers haven't said a word to any other players except themselves the entire year. The team discusses plans for a team dinner at the Burge Union after shoot around. At this point it is 5:30 pm and the team has been quite worked up about the football team and their arrogance. A splattering of racial comments were thrown at Todd Reesing as well as Jake Sharp.

The team approaches the Burge around 6:30 where they find some members of the football team already eating there. Brady Morningstar (the team clown) decides to start a food fight with the opposing sport. This would have been no problem normally, as athletics can do whatever they want on campus, but Brady's choice in food was a brick. Still not sure on how he considered brick a food, but it was well thrown and ended dead center of the football players table. Jeff Spikes stood up faster than he gets stood up by defensive linemen, and glared at the group of puny basketball players. 

JEFF NO LIKE THIS?! His lack of syntax and phrenology confuses most, including Tyshawn who responds WHAT THE FUCK YOU SAY?! as he throws as platter of sushi at the 300 pound offensive tackle.

The sushi ends on the gut of Spikes, but the saki finishes it's flight in the eyes. Blinded, Spikes spins around, flailing his arms. Tyshawn goes up to apologize, but in the process, is punched in the thumb. Tyshawn falls to the gound screaming, as Xavier stands up and yells NOT MY MENTOR AND LOVER! Both teams find this sequence of events hilarious, as does I,  and begin laughing hysterically. At this point Xavier is hunched over Tayshawn, trying to console him, and Spikes is crying in the fetal position by himself in the corner of the lunch room. The laughing continues and then Tyrell Reed makes a joke about how the fat lineman looked like a 300 pound dreidel as it hit the apologetic Taylor. This cracks up both teams and the healing began.

By the end of the night, Tyshawn was taken to the hospital by Dezmond Briscoe and Jake Laptad while a few of the basketball players took Spikes to a lab room to wash his eyes out with the 'chemical in the eye' washer. All was better between the two sides by this morning, as Tyshawn had gotten his coverage and Spikes' eyes were just fine. In fact, the two teams planned on doing a reenactment of the situation on Wescoe Beach this morning. I even got some pictures.

See, they even got police to make it look legit this morning.

Don't believe the coverage of the rest of the news sources. I was there. (note: I wasn't really there. I just feel like if I imagine it as true, then it becomes true. My mind works like a three year old's) Everything is back to normal now in Lawrence, and the Jayhawks are now united under one cause, not losing a game ever again.


  1. Obscene. Immature. Not funny.

  2. Not bad. Did you change any names to protect the innocent (assuming this word applies to any KU athlete). I especially like the Herm Edwards site banner. There may have been worse coaches in the NFL last year but none come immediately to mind.