Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 5

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
Last weekend was outstanding. Outstanding like a warrant for your drug paraphernalia. Loses across the board to teams I hated and or wanted to lose. Upsets were a plenty and I pregammed with jello shots before the KU game. Couldn't be any better.

One game that really caught my eye was the Miami and Virginia Tech game. I never thought that I would see it in my life, considering it seemed like God wouldn't allow it, but there were TWO, I repeat, TWO BLACK QUARTERBACKS on the field. JESUS GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER. I wish the game were on where I would have had the privilege to witness this, but unfortunately the Kansas Racism Standards Association kept this out of viewing. Probably for the best though. This match up might have put holes in my brain like 27 pills of ecstasy. After the insanity subdued, Virginia Tech walked out with a win. Jacory Harris walked away with prosthetic appendages. He was roughed up like a Vietnam POW.


Now, after scampering back home from BLACKsburg, they face an even tougher challenge, Native Americans. (Sees OU without Bradford) Well, then maybe no Native Americans, but Miami is just as doomed against this future pedophile under the center. That pedo-stache is a more empowering than a railroad tie sized cocaine snort. Nothing is stopping this Landry Jones and his up and coming mustache. He can throw, run, and molest little children with the best of them. This is gonna be an old school OU wrangling, and as always in American history, the white guy will prosper.

I have been pretty prosperous myself, being white and all, with my late picks and predictions. Last week I announced that Iowa would win the Penn State game, which they did, and continued their destiny as Big 10 champs.  It's not just the Iowa win that's making me Nostradamus like, but all my choices for the conference champions.

Every prediction is still in line, but my proudest is the pick I left to the fate of an aerial spinning coin. South Florida (my pick in the Big East) is undefeated with the bullfucking of the Seminoles last week. Ladies, Ladies, settle down. There's enough of Wilt's stilt to go around. Seriously though, can someone award me something? If your dealer was on your porch with your package of weed every time your stash empties, wouldn't you tip him at least an extra couple bucks? So, donations and blow jobs will accepted anytime or anywhere.

Finally on the tray for today (INTENTIONAL rhyme) are the Horned Frogs Toads from Texas Christian.  Yeah, fuck your frogs. It looks like a toad dammit and I don't like how you so loosely classify your mascot's genus and species. I do see reasoning for the frog choice though. Mainly because frogs are tricky as hell to get high off of, especially the ones from South America. If you lick the right frog, you can stumble into a deep hallucinogenic high, but if you lick the wrong frog, your fucking dead. This team is more like that second frog now. There were years before Ladanian Tomlinson where TCU was more like the LSD sweating frog. The rest of the nation just licked and enjoyed the journey, 60 minutes of tossing the ball around and rolling around in colored grass. This new frog is a fucking recluse asshole now. He's just asking to be tasted, and then BAM, your swimming with the tadpoles. Clemson was their latest victim last weekend on their way to their final victim, the BCS system. This team will be busting up the bowls this year (not a weed reference) mostly thanks to joining the Ravens in apparel with purple and black jerseys. Seems like the colors of champions right now. Sorry K-State, you're silver and purple, no matter how hard you try and change that.