October 16, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 7/ Preseason

 This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

Tonight is opening of college basketball in Lawrence, KS. It's the famous Late Night in the Phog. Headlining, a boxing match up between the football teams and basketball teams, as well as a drunk driving challenge between Brady Morningstar and Chase Buford (may or may not be real).

This begining of the basketball season means two things. First, is that Kansas will be the top school in the nation, and one of the only two that have ranked football and basketball teams. Second is that Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse will begin lacing basketball in to football like cocaine into cookie dough. Sure, cookies are good by themselves, but wouldn't you want to have chocolate chip cookies that numb up your entire mouth? ABSOLUTELY. So, that's what your getting here, the tasty deliciousness of recently cooked college football with the dopamine levels of college basketball. So enjoy the brand new fresh batch of FASA (with brand new LOGO).

First subject of importance, USC. Put this on your lockers before the game. "If you lose to Jimmy Clausen, then Stephon Johnson will drop another weight bar on his voicebox." That's enough initiative to get that defense in the face of Jimmy Clausen and tear his ACL out of his body Temple of Doom style. Funny thing about Jimmy Clausen is that his initials (JC) also go as the type of college he should be playing at. That was a completely uneducated low blow, but I have no respect for a guy who hasn't put up stats with a team full of top tier talent for two years, especially when Todd Reesing has been doing it for four years, without talent, and gets no credit. One decent year from that ginger, and now he's a Heisman candidate. Did I mention he lost to a FRESHMAN QB? Did I also tell you he almost lost to Washington and Michigan State? No, well he did, and if USC doesn't shove that needle full of mercury into the Irish veins and end their BCS hopes, I will rain down an expletive-ized column on your ass South Central. Please oblige, and thank you.

Now, Oklahoma, don't think I will leave you out of this one. You let me down when you decided blowing a gallon of coke before the Miami game was a good idea. I know, you were in the same city as Scarface. I get it, your black, but it's still no excuse. Thankfully, you can redeem yourself by slipping some Ketamine into Bevo's drinking hole, and watch the team fall apart like the steeds balance.

This is a big one for Kansas fans, who need an OU victory to (A) secure the top place in all of the Big 12 as the only undefeated team and (B) getting Gameday for the first time ever in Lawrence next week when we play the Sooners. So yes, you are on my "win or die" list with USC this week. Trust me, I won't hesitate to find your hotel next week and lay a pipe bomb under Sam Bradford's bed before the game (just kidding...or am I?). So just win, and make the red river bleed burnt orange, please and thank you.

Finally, let us take the first hit of the basketball season. Late nights across the nation will begin these coming couple of weeks, and for the first time in four years, Tyler Hansbrough won't be the preseason favorite for player of the year (although Dick V. will probably still vote for him). This means we have a fresh slate of talent (on the east coast) for Digger to obsess over. If east coast teams were heroine, Digger Phelps and Dick Vitale would both have OD'd 5,000 times over. Thankfully for Kansas, we have the top spot, so they can't just ignore anything west of the Appalachians.

Honestly, at least Jay Bilas tries to talk about Texas, KU and Memphis. Vitale and Digger for some reason find it just fine talking about NC State and Providence, over Michigan State and UCLA. Seriously, did you even go to Journalism School? Oh no, you have a business degree, Dick(hole). So, I think I speak for everyone on this one not from the ACC, I hope you fall in a pit of oddly angled sharp glass and bleed out slowly as you yell "HELP ME OUT BABY, I'M A DIAPER DANDY! (pulls down pants to show Depends)"

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