October 9, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 6

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
Wilt has finally suffered his first loss of the season (now talking in third person). It was a trick game, one where the race or sexual deviation of the quarterbacks meant nothing. This is why Wilt is here this week to build his rep back into the great profit he once was (still going third person). That's why this week we will look to the future, as the past left us nothing to desire (resumes normal writing style). Or in other words, last week's games were shitty, and no enticing story lines came out of it.

Breaking the bag here is the Alabama and Ole Miss game. I said that Ole Miss is a shittastic squad earlier, and despite my recent defeat, I stick with that decision. This is one of those sneaky games, where you (as a dumbass) think that there is some upset potential. I (as a genius) know otherwise and tell you that the Rebels will be spread by at least two touchdowns.
Even despite this:

After that douchegasm, you may be left as a shell of your former self, with every one of your belongings in arms distance out your 40 story window, like a bad trip on shrooms. Sorry, but this guy is somewhat right. Mississippi tends to waste the day away constructing a pond of moonshine, and fucking their cousin over a haybale. The point he missed was that his little pink sweater vest combo still can't cover up his goat porking country twang. I just cringed writing that word. twang.

Let's move on with schools that aren't pumping out America's newest white trash. They might be in the same conference, but at least they have campuses that reside in states with an average IQ better than three. This is the LSU and Florida game. LSU is confusing as a team, it just makes your head hurt. I'm sure Tim Tebow is thinking the same thing. They act like they should be a top 10 team, but then the game comes around and the win by three against the likes of Mississippi State, and Washington. They hardly took care of Georgia, so the normal, non-inquisitive might think that LSU will be a challenge to Teebz and Co. I inquire, therefore, I know that LSU looks like a slightly better version of Ole Miss, which as I said is crap. So expect Jesus' resurrection to be a big one, filled with on-the-run 90 yard passes and wrecking ball stiff arms. Ten point spread at the very least, and this is only if Florida coasts at the end of the game.

Other predictions include:

Iowa forcing Forcier-ing a syringe into Michigan's Taint Tate
Texas scoring 100 points on Colorado, and a battle to the death between Ralphie and Bevo
Oregon being swallowed whole by the Bruins in the upset
Georgia Tech donating small pox'd towels to the Seminoles
Wisconsin fans getting belligerent (to combat the effects of hypothermia), but also combating their ability to upset the buckeyes.
Kansas making Iowa State look like.....Iowa State.

Just in case you missed it last night:

MIZ-ERY. Or in my case, ENTHU-SIASM. Best photo I think I have ever owned. It's going to compare to the first sonograms of my first child. It WILL be better than my second child's. That's the type of loss (the catastrophic) that gets me off when it happens to Mizzou. Enjoy the extended week Columbia.

Everyone else can enjoy the weekend and don't forget to bring a sweater, because it's going to fucking freeze tonight. Seriously, 32 degrees right before the game. Might have to take a page from the Wisconsin playbook, amiright? This will do the trick.

The Herm's Perm:
1 Part vodka
1 Part gin
1 Part four leaf clovers
1 Part mint leaf
1 Part green flavored grain alcohol
2 Parts great head coach
2 Parts cat fur

Exquisite? Yes. Alcoholic? Very. Possible suffocation? Absolutely.

That's how Herman would want it, so get out there and support your school....with huge BAC levels and raging tirades against the opposing team.

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