March 11, 2010

Tim Tebow's Wonderlic test results

Sooner or later, everyone takes a standardized test in one form or another. For the vast majority of educated Americans, it determines whether or not their life takes a path of higher learning or a path of homelessness and AIDS. Standardized tests are the foundation of our society and nobody can refute that. STOP TRYING TO REFUTE IT.

Tim Tebow accumulated a score of 22 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test, a 12-minute NFL combine examination that assesses players' brain capacity. For those scoring at home, 22 out of 50 is homeless/AIDS territory in most other circumstances. And for the record, I will beat my child if he ever scores that low on any test in his life. EVEN IF IT'S IN A COOKING CLASS FOR WOMEN. NEVER LET A WOMAN BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING. JUST BECAUSE YOU MAKE THEM COOK AND DO LAUNDRY DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY'RE BETTER AT IT. YOU LET THEM DO IT BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL USEFUL.

I digress. 

Herm's Perm received a leaked copy of Tebow's Test. Don't ask how or why we obtain these highly guarded documents. Wilt's cousin works for Dan Rather and we'll leave it at that. Here are a few selected Tebow responses:
Question 3: Against a cover-2 defense, what receiver route option is often most available to the quarterback?

Answer: I hike the ball and then fake like I'm running a quarterback draw and then my instincts take over. It's hard to explain why I complete passes, or even how I pick the receivers to throw to. But mostly Urban just yells into my headset to look left, right or center and I let it fly :) (ed. note: smiley face actually drawn at end of answer)

Question 7: How did your education prepare you to be a better NFL player?

Answer: At Florida, my professors humbled me with their knowledge. I was so blessed to have great professors and to take classes that were blessed with great syllabuses (sic). Every class would begin with my schoolmates giving me their blessings for the upcoming game, and then I would take each student and bless them individually, with an optional circumcision for an extra five dollars, which I would then donate to the blessed Vatican. As an NFL player, I vow to ensure that all of my teammates and coaches will go to heaven and that they shall be clean and foreskin free. I also promise to banish Chad Ochocinco to hell for the blessed commissioner GODdell (sic).

Question 28: If a number is half the product of five times the sum of three consecutive integers, is the number odd or even?

Answer: It is too hard for me to understand why someone would only read half of the book of Numbers. Anything less than reading and unquestioningly following the Book of God in its entirety is BLASPHEMOUS.

Question 49: Why do you think you're the best player in this draft?

Answer: I'm a package deal: God is my permanent wide receiver. Not in a sexual sense though, like that K-State player.

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