October 2, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 5

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
Last weekend was outstanding. Outstanding like a warrant for your drug paraphernalia. Loses across the board to teams I hated and or wanted to lose. Upsets were a plenty and I pregammed with jello shots before the KU game. Couldn't be any better.

One game that really caught my eye was the Miami and Virginia Tech game. I never thought that I would see it in my life, considering it seemed like God wouldn't allow it, but there were TWO, I repeat, TWO BLACK QUARTERBACKS on the field. JESUS GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER. I wish the game were on where I would have had the privilege to witness this, but unfortunately the Kansas Racism Standards Association kept this out of viewing. Probably for the best though. This match up might have put holes in my brain like 27 pills of ecstasy. After the insanity subdued, Virginia Tech walked out with a win. Jacory Harris walked away with prosthetic appendages. He was roughed up like a Vietnam POW.

PermCast: Oct. 1 2009

This is a very important post for us here at Herm's Perm. We hit the century mark in posts, and as a reward we have offered all four of our viewers gifts. First, is the addition of a new writer by the name of Canaan Christ. He's awesome at what he does, NFL, and will brighten your day every Tuesday with a little after the fact blog from the weekend of football. His opening dialogue is right below waiting to be read by the masses.

Our other offer is this here PermCast, which as always, is a jumbled mess of predictions, racism, and most of all, poor audio. So enjoy, and continue to enjoy the rewards that are reaped from putting a Perm on Herm.
  

                       
   
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By the time I was born, Michael Jordan was a rookie...at North Carolina


Word up, Perm Heads (?).  I just finished reading Bubb Rubb's LeBron James post, and let me tell you, that motherfucker can write.  Really enjoyable stuff.  I think he may have underestimated how close death always is for a 24-year old black male from a poor economic background, and also how the most interesting part of LeBron's career isn't going to be his championships but his free agency next summer, but all in all, great job.   As Judge Smails would say, "Top notch!  Top notch!"  (That's right, bitches.  Caddyshack.  Deal with it.)

October 1, 2009

LeBron James' Life Will be a Four-Part Book Series and Film Quadrilogy

LeBron James has his own book. And his own movie. He's not dead, nor is he retired. At 24 years old, he isn't remotely close to either of those milestones. Which is why the aforementioned forms of his biography are premature and unacceptable.

As LeBron enters his seventh professional season, he may be a veteran by experience standards, but hardly by tenure. Barring any debilitating injuries, he has at least ten more years in the tank. I guess the journey up to this point provides enough content to tell a thorough story, but without a ring on his finger and several more years ahead of him, is this all really necessary?

September 30, 2009

Your Daily Tee en Ay Fix, Courtesy of Uncle Herm

March 30, 2010: Beyonce Knowles-Paul?
Is she married to Jay-Z now? Fuck if I know, but I know I would like to fuck. Her. Breasts. On. Beach. If Lost were real, I would pray to god she is on that plane. Then I would kill everyone who is not her and when she wakes up from the wreck, I would console her. With my penis.


March 26, 2010: Katherine Heigl
When she's not being a bitch she is totally hot. And know that she is unemployed she can come here and work for Herm's Perm, just doing nasty things like building lego pyramids with the green blocks (WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT). Still fucked Seth Rogan. 


March 24, 2010: Cheryl Cole
Tits would be an understatement. Wait, what. Aer u looking at them too. Not paying attention to keyboard. just sagging sexy beautigul gorgeus breatsts.


March 12, 2010: Olivia Munn


Would you believe this woman works FOR G4? What's that? You don't know what G4 is? Well does this spark your memory?
YEAH! PRINCESS LEAH MUNN. So hot. So FUCKING HOT. This girl actually knows and plays video games. And if that hadn't gotten you off already, then you can go find a different site to oogle at women with. 


March 5, 2010: Jessie Biel ready for round two


She's so hot that we had to do her twice (I wish) and also because of some new developments.... STRIPPER POLE. We apologize for the past two weeks, but we will switch up we are doing to only having sperms on Monday Wednesday and Friday. 




February 22, 2010: Elle Liberachi


Soooo, by the looks of this pic, she appears to be pro duck feathers. So, maybe she likes to get goosed? YES. I'd like to compliment her on her ability to show so much but still be G rated. Kind of.


February 20, 2010: Candice Swanepoel
Candice is a quaint little model from the upper east side of Queens with a raging hard on for bloggers from Kansas, and Los Angeles. Wait let me rephrase that. Bloggers from Kansas and Los Angeles whack their raging hard ons to Candice. There we go.


February 19, 2010: Heidi Montag 
Your show may be fake. Your husband might be fake. But at least those tits aren't faaaa..... Well at least they are shaped well. By the way, who the fuck cares if they're fake? I'm never going to have a hand at those breasts, so why not have them be perfect so I can just imagine them. Also, more girls need to do that dress shirt style. It's so hot, like you are trying to be a business lady, and yet aren't putting that much effort into it. LAZY IS THE NEW BUSY.

February 18, 2010: Christina (OMG) Hendricks
 
 
They said boobs couldn't be this large. They said red heads couldn't be this hot. They were  wrong. I also have know idea who they are, but I do know who THEY are. They as in her tits. OH god I love you Christina. You plus January Jones (below) would be the single greatest 1960's drama three some ever.

February 17, 2010: Tricia Helfer
Tricia is looking quite relaxed and, judging by her surroundings, is probably near a beach. In less than a month I'll be at a beach. In Cabo. Thanks to Tricia, I'll probably be disappointed if the hot chicks there aren't tanning in nothing but their high heels. Awesome.


February 15, 2010: Sasha Grey
 
Who is Sasha Grey? Good question, because I don't know who or what she is. This could be some random girl for all I know. Actually, I guess she is an American Apparel model or something. Whatever. Good enough for me.


February 11, 2010: Rashida Jones
Oh Rashida. I love you so so so so so so so so much. You caught my eye in the Office and you continue to catch my eye in Parks and Rec. And to top it off, you are the daughter of Qunicy Jones, one of the most famous music producers ever. I don't care if you are costing off his accomplishments, as long as you and Natalie Portman continue to hang out together...with me.






February 10, 2010: Kristin Cavallari
I don't remember much from the original "Laguna Beach," except that Kristin is hotter than the chick who got her own spinoff and subsequently gave fame to the abomination known as Heidi Montag. She's also rumored to be dating the Conquistador. See, Pete? He was more than ready for this.


February 8, 2010: Brooklyn Decker
 
She's sexy. She's in a swimsuit. She'll be on news stands next week for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. So if this doesn't peak your interest, then go ahead and get your own SI and jack off to it. We don't have to do everything jackass.


February 7, 2010: We skipped yesterday sooooo....CARIE UNDERWOOD.
 

She was goddamn sexy during the superbowl so we'll give you some live action sperm to patch up our mistake.



She was so stunning that she actually got Caldwell to blink. That's hot. The only other thing that would make Caldwell blink is a pick six from Peyton to seal the Superbowl loss. Hell of a work out for Caldwell's eye lashes yesterday.


February 6, 2010: Christy Cooley:
If a subpar tight end in the NFL can pull this type of ass, I can only imagine what a semi decent looking blogger could pull. at least a 6 right? RIGHT? Well maybe I can't, but I'm sure Jake and Amir pull ass out at hat at every club they go to. If Amir isn't doing super models everynight, I don't know who is.





February 5, 2010: Kristen Dunst:
 
Remember when Spider man was the shit? Yeah, neither do I, but Kristen Dunst is still the shit. I could spider man her any day. I could also do herm sperm everyday, but you know what, I WAS SICK. CAN'T GET A BONER WHEN SICK. DOCTORS AGREE. BONERS BAD WHEN SICK. 
February 2, 2010: Nicole Scherzinger:
Oh, I wish my imaginary girlfriend was hot like you, don't I. I do Nicole. Although I believe you to be in your late 30's you are still a 8.9 in my book. My book goes to 9. The only ten is Olga Kurylenko (see 3 posts down). After that it's a jockey for 9. She comes close, but I can cum closer....




February 1, 2010: Anna Kournikova:
 

Remember when she was Maria Sharapova before Maria Sharapova? God, she was so sexy, and the best part, she was talentless. I don't think she came close to a Major final, more or less a win, but she could sure as hell cum close to me. I wonder what she's doing right now? Maybe washed up enough to date a 20 year old blogger? MAYBE? Hopefully.


January 31, 2010: Anne Hathaway:
Anne is one of those actresses with potential to be really awesome, and yet all she does are romantic comedies and poorly done spy movies. But, she's so edgy. She's like 3 weeks prego in the picture. SO EDGY. Then she aborted that shit like Tim Tebow taking a snap under center. SO  VERY EDGY. She just needs to have herself a drug addict movie or queenpin movie. She'd be so damn edgy.

January 30, 2010: Diora Baird:
I don't know how I happened upon Ms. Baird, but I did, and I'm damn happy about it. You probably are too. I didn't take any time to look into what she's famous for (other than the obvious looks) but if for some reason she's unemployed, there's an opening in my pants. It's the zipper. Boom.
January 29, 2010: Olga Kurylenko
Olga, you are Russian right? No. No you are not. You are sexy french. Oh man, the things I would do to touch you. I know you have had your shots at Daniel Craig, and I get that. Gotta get your bad boy out of your system. Now that your done, you can settle down with me. I'm a normal person who will respect you...with my penis. And, to sweeten the deal (not that you need any cause I'm fucking awesome) I have taken 5 years of French. I could totally speak toddler type sentences to you. And you'd like it. You'd like it so hard. UHHHHHHHH. (hottest Sperm of the new year)




January 28, 2010: Amanda Bynes
Man, do you remember when she was on Nikelodeon? God I crushed all over her as a kid. I wanted her more than a Nintendo 64. It's good to know nothing has changed since then. I still want her more than a Nintendo 64. Another person who wants her, Kid Cudi, well, at least according to his new song "Cudderisback." I guess there have been rumors flying around about the two. Wouldn't be surprised at all by that. Just look at that back arch. Her vag is totally "Cudi Zone."


January 27, 2010: Eliza Dushku
Your show(Dollhouse) may have been canceled, but you can't cancel this boner I have obtained from this picture. It is here for all eternity. Just like the losses FOX got from that shitty show. I'm so sorry sweetheart. You never deserved such a poorly written, misogynistic show, BUT DAYMNE. DEM TITTIES.



January 26, 2010: Liv Tyler
Steven Tyler did drugs. A lot of drugs. If consuming deadly amounts of narcotics means that you will produce a daughter like Liv Tyler, than I am officially the world's biggest opponent of the DEA.


January 23, 2010: Ashley Greene - 
As IMDB reads, she has been a twilight character, Alic Cullen. I have no interest in finding out how she and Edward Cullen are related, and I hope to god they aren't married. It would be a disgrace to go after Kristen Stewart over her. Plus, when she sparkles in the daylight, you don't need to worry about getting all that girl glitter over you in the sack. So fuck away, cause you won't look like a damn pixie in the morning.



January 22, 2010: Padma Lakshmi
Oh. My. God. This picture is by far the best one we've done on Herm Sperm. For all you non watchers, this Padma is a host for Top Chef. I think you know where this is going. Let me take some lyrics from Afroman. "I came in her mouth, it was a crisis, I gave her my secret blend of herbs and spices." Sums it up quite well. Jesus she is hot. THERE IS A GOD.



January 21, 2010: Amanda Seyfried - 
You may be thinking, who dis bitch is? Well sirs, I will tell you. You may have missed her in Jennifer's Body because of the Succubus Megan Fox running around, but she was actually the main character. I KNOW. And she totally has sex in it, AND YOU GET TO WATCH, a little. It's nothing like what this photo elludes to, sex as she hangs on for dear life, and I would be happy with any sex involved with Amanda, even if it meant Megan Succubus killed me afterward.


January 20, 2010: Elisabeth Hasselbeck - 
This matches up perfectly with Bubb's post. Speaking of post, mine is at 12 o'clock. How does the shitty Hasselbeck get this ass. She is so smart and brilliant. Her tits I mean. No you thought...No. Whoopi is smarter than her. Her kids IQ is higher than hers. Vince Young's scored higher on his wonderlic test than her. But I'm sure she can straddle a stick to make up for it.



January 18, 2010: Adrianne Palicki
OH YEAH IT'S BACK. YOUR SPERM BONER. How's it feel. Does it warm your soul like it does mine? It should. To bring you back like the school semester, Miss Adrianne Palicki. You probably don't recognize her, but she does shitty movies (Legion), but makes up for it with naughty photos (NSFW). I'm glad to be back, and if anyone has a hankering for looking at hot chicks and then posting those hot chicks on another website, then we need you. Herm needs a Sperm Editor, and it would be great for someone to help us out. Please? I want to jack it too.




December 22, 2009: Mandy Moore
 Mandy has become an actor (kind of) since her stints as a singer early in the 00's. Either profession sits well with me, as long as she's sitting on my....lap. 


December 19, 2009: CJ Gibson
I don't know what you do, but you I'm sure you do it well. And to think, Wilt heard your name and assumed you were a dude. Hah.


December 18, 2009: Rachel Bilson


Continuing our trend of washed-up "OC" stars, I bring you Miss Bilson. Wilt is not a fan of hers, claiming that her face is unbecoming. While I somewhat agree, I can't believe that Wilt has never heard of the brown bag method before. Regardless, she has a super hot body and fucks the jewish, nerdy character on the aforementioned show, so she'll always be a goddess in my book.

December 15, 2009: Mischa Barton
Oh Mischa. Where have you gone? No one knows, and no one cares, but we do. We care Mischa. I care. Bubb cares. Danny cares. Even Cannan and 908 care. We care about your love for stoner bracelettes, and your beach highlighted LA hair. We care. I care the most though, so email me and I can care you all night.

By the way, everyone, we really suck at this. I'm sorry. We gave up the past 2 weeks just like Mischa has given up on her acting career, but we plan to come back, unlike Ms. Barton here. Just hold on a few more days.


December 11, 2009: Kendra Wilkinson
Here's the thing. They are fake. Here's the other thing. I don't give a fuck. She just gave birth to a baby boy who will now go on to become the most athletic, sexiest, and weirdest laughing person in the world. Or just Ron Artest. What's that? Artest isn't sexy? Evidently we aren't talking about the same Artest.


December 4, 2009: Kate Beckinsale: 
She's in some gay ass movie that comes out today, but her ass sure ain't gay. In fact, that sir, is the opposite of gay. That gay ass movie is called "Everybody's Fine." I disagree with that title. Only Kate is FINE. Fuck your titles Hollywood.
December 3, 2009: Blake Lively:
Gossip Girl has contributed to the Perm more than it knows. So much pleasure, and yet none of us have seen an episode. I would stick it in her hole like Blake Griffin. Hell, she's in position already.


December 2, 2009:  Leighton Meester
She's kinda hot. This photo isn't really though. This was all just a big conspiracy by Bubb to have the Gossip Girls (Bubb's fav show) on this entire week. Although I don't condone watching something on UPN the CW, I do condone jacking it to talentless actresses with fine asses and Neil Rack-ers. Don't know the appeal of high heels while sexing either. Must be a black thing. Mello can you let me know this information?

December 1, 2009: Vera Farmiga
Thirty-six? Schmirty-six. Vera is not just fit, but very DTF. If you don't know that acronym, go watch "Superbad." She pretty much gets naked and bones a dude in every movie that she's ever done, but you probably best remember her in a lacy black thong, getting ravaged by Leo DiCaprio in "The Departed." If that's not ringing any bells, here's a friendly reminder:



Thanksgiving: Hayden Panettiere:
  Shh! Don't tell her that's not the right way to use a hoola hoop! For all I care, that hoop could be dangling off Hayden's toe, as long as she's scantily clad and eye fucking the hell out of the camera. And because it's a holiday, we give you bonus boner material. Be thankful, you fucking ingrates.

November 25, 2009: Evan Rachel Wood
Having dated Marilyn Manson, you know this chick is freaky. I'm talking whips, ball gags, leather masks, AK-47s, and Sloth from "The Goonies." Sounds a lot like my typical Wednesday night. 


November 24, 2009: Sarah Michelle Gellar



She makes Edward Cullen look like a bitch for going after Kristen Steward. Fuck yes Buffy. I'd stab some wood through you too, baby


November 23: 2009: Gisele Bundchen
I would love the be that horse's back right now. It's also pretty hot that Gisele is a hair-puller. Makes me wonder why she's with Tom Brady and not Troy Polamalu.


November 22, 2009: Alison Brie


Bubb and I have been searching the internet for something acceptably sexy from her. Every single episode of Community is such a tease in her knee length skirt and sweater. The fact that she is a classy woman makes me want to get dirty with her even more. So, for Sunday, because we respect god kind of, just a hot girl showing some side boob. Now let me finish typing with my leffft hand real quiiiiiiCK!


November 21, 2009: Halle Berry
AWWWW YEAH...That's right. Two Halle Berry pics. Enjoy, because you won't get it that often. In fact, it's kinda like sex with Ms. Berry. Only once in a lifetime. She could give me an upper cut? Whatever, you know what I mean.

November 20, 2009: Fucking forgot again, soooo....CHARLIZE THERON
She could direct my life. By the way she handles that director's chair, I think she could handle something else. My finances. Oh you thought...well that too.


November 18, 2009: Carmen Electra
Rumors are circulating that Carmen Electra might have a new sex tape. Because we skipped another day, here's the possible video introduction:
Considering it's on YouTube, I'd guess it's more likely a viral marketing ploy for a useless product that otherwise wouldn't get shelf time at Wal-Mart. Introducing the Shamwow 2.0: buy one if you like Carmen's bazongas in lingerie.
November 16, 2009: Victoria Beckham
Just like past days in which we've skipped a Herm Sperm, we compensate you with slightly more nudity. We're sorry and you're welcome. This is also in recognition of her hubby's soccer/football team making the MLS playoffs or championship or something. Don't stay tuned for more information, because you won't find it here.


November 14, 2009: Selma Hayek
Es hot when you es neked. I'm so good a Spanglish, so is Selma who is also good at doing several other things including me.



November 13, 2009: Eva Longoria
If Eva had the sluttiness of her character on Desperate Houswives, I might have a shot at her. Hurry, I need to get a job as a pool boy for her. Then I can wisper my french nothings into her ear. I know how she like it.
November 12, 2009: Rihanna
I don't speak German, but I'd guess that "ich man groben han" either means "I like holding hands" or "I fuck like a rockstar." Can you weigh in on this Mr. Brown?


November 11, 2009: Taylor Swift
After some deliberation, I've concluded that Taylor Swift is attractive. Very attractive, actually. I jerked off to SNL last Saturday. So sue me. That's right, you can't. She's 19 and legal. BOOM GOES MY DYNAMITE.


November 10, 2009: Chrisina Milian
Somehow Nick Cannon passed on this.......... Yeah, for Mariah Carey. That is really unacceptable. That is like choosing Keenan over Kel, or working for "America's Got Talent" instead of MTV programming. 


November 9, 2009: Kate Hudson
It's pretty windy at the top of the mountain of popularity. I couldn't name a movie she's done in the last six years, but she's dating A-Rod. I'm sure I could contribute more man parts, you know because of the whole A-Roid thing. He also has a weak hip. Hell, I'm starting to think that this relationship might be a (gulp) PR move.

November 8, 2009: Anna Faris
Chicks with a sense of humor are hot. Chicks with a sense of humor, a bangin' body and a wardrobe full of skimpy clothing are even hotter. Anna Faris' hotness can only be measured in temperatures upward of 1500 degrees on the Kelvin scale. 

November 7, 2009: Diane Kruger
Diane likes her baguettes, Van Goh paintings, and socialism. Get it? Because she's French. She also enjoys bathing in river beds and Eiffel Towering. I would thoroughly enjoy an Eiffel Tower wither her, but just the base and one side of the tower (doggy style). I don't do none of that gay shit.


November 6, 2009: Nadine Velazquez
Hey, looks who's on the League. Yes, her doing Yoga is just as hot as the core of the Earth. By the rules of Karma, she is due for a step down. I propose me, or Bubb. Either way, we will be unloading out load within one minute. HIGH FIVE!


November 5, 2009: Keira Knightly
My favorite Kiera Knightly movie, by far, isn't "Beckham," or any of the three "Pirates" movies. It's "Domino." You know, the one where she trips balls on acid, gets topless and fucks some dirty bounty hunter? Her "Atonement" scene ain't got shit on it. And yes, I dream of it too.


November 4, 2009: Michelle Obama.
Just kidding...
Elisha Cuthbert:
Forever known as "the girl next door," this bombshell is also, understandably, the target for terrorist kidnappings. I don't support terrorism, but who could blame a group of people wanting to capture this woman to harness her sexual exuberance?


November 3, 2009: Leslie Bibb:
Staring in The League make this princess that much more beautiful, inside and out. She's definetly not doing it for the check, but because it has been a life dream of her's to be a star in a Fantasy Football league TV show. It's a Fantasy of every guy's mess up her hair some more.

November 2, 2009: Mila Kunis
We have done a pretty good job of not giving your spank bank currency over the time of Herm Sperm, but we at least offer some. This here is some prime ass bailout Sperm, so fucking take it. Seriously, you don't have a fucking choice. I'm like Obama and you are Bank of America. You may not want it but you're getting it regardless. Oh, and she was on That 70's Show and probably got plowed by Ashton Kutcher.


October 29, 2009: Emma Watson
Emma Emma Emma. You and Natalie Portman are the hottest Ivy League Co-Eds EVA. You have the one up for two reasons. One: You have a British accent which increases hottness by 90% (proven statistic). Two: Emma is a great name. I'm marrying an Emma, hopefully this one.

October 27, 2009: Stacy Keibler
Special thanks to Bill Simmons for introducing me to Stacy. And Stacy's ass, which is preventing me from writing anything witty because of its hypnotically perfect shape. /Drool.


October 26, 2009: Jessica Biel
Look, I don't know if she has done anything for a while, but if she looks like this still, she can do anything to me. I'm sorry, but what is it that is causing you to rip your shirt off? Maybe she's looking at a picture of Herm. Then I would understand.


October 25, 2009: Eva Mendes
If I was her I would probably have a hard time not cumming every time I look at myself in the mirror. I'm sure she had to be CGI'd into Training Day in the naked bedroom scene, 'cuz I'm sure Ethan Hawke would need a new change of pants every scene. I know I do after each viewing.

October 24, 2009: Tila Tequil(ughhhhh)
In all honesty, I'm not the least bit attracted to this woman. I really don't see what Shawn Merriman's hands saw in her. However, it is technically her birthday and, because I'm not drunk enough, I hoped something with tequila would help.


October 23, 2009: Emmanuel Chriqui
I don't quite understand how a chick this hot gets such unflattering names. Emmanuel? Sloan? If you're going to throw a bunch of random letters together and use them to label that hot ass, why not just go with Bonerriffic?


October 22, 2009: Gillian Jacobs
This is Britt, the promiscuous and sexy blond in Community that always winces at Joel McHale. Not only is she hot, but she acts like a snob, which always pulls at my heart strings. Strings she pulls with her giant mickey mouse hands.


October 21, 2009: Anna Paquin

SOOKEH IS MAHNE ERIC. And I also called dibs on her mind reading ass before you Bill. You should be used to losing, you know, with the whole "I fought in the confederate army" thing. Anna, if you can read minds, why are you struggling so much with that stream of water? Also, 90's shorts = HOT.



October 20, 2009: Joanna Krupa
I met Ms. Krupa for the first time today. I'm not a homophobic person and I support gay rights, but how the fuck can you like men when there are things like this? Helloooo six-to-midnight.


October 19, 2009: Eva Amurri
Caution - NSFW

Again, in order to compensate for our lack of sperm, here's Susan Sarandon's daughter stripping. See? Monday Night Football isn't the only thing to wet your whistle on the worst day of the week. And there's just enough David Duchovny spliced in so that you can't blow your load.


October 16, 2009: Odette Yustman
If you remember in Cloverfield, she took an iron rod to the left chesticle. I'm sure I can say this for everyone that I wish my rod was on her chesticles. Also, Those lacey garments are literally pointless.

October 15, 2009: Kellie Pickler
I first met Ms. Pickler when she was crawling out of a large organ. A piano, specifically. If she happened to surprise me in a similar manner, I'd worry that I might pop a boner so fast that it would impale her.

October 14, 2009: Zoe Saldana:
She's got a tattoo down where Herm likes 'em. Not sure what it's of, but I can only imagine it's has some sort of meaning, like a tribal arm band for you naval. A tribal tuna spread.



October 13, 2009: Sofia Vergara:
She's on a television show, and guess what network is sponsoring this ass. MTV? nope. HBO? colder. CW? godammit she's on ABC, it's fucking ABC. She is married to an old man in the show, so I have to assume she looks for sex outside the marriage.

October 12, 2009: January Jones
I wish I was that mahogony floor, or even that white backdrop or Jon Hamm so i could work with her. I bet this is how she cleans the floors. Can you say DREAMGIRL?!

October 11, 2009: Tina Fey


I'm laughing at how pathetic this Sperm is. That's more than I can say for any episode of "30 Rock." Yeah, I said that shit, Wilt. This is what you get on Sundays when the Patriots lose. Here, use this picture to get flaccid if you're reading this and getting wood from looking at that hot blonde three seats in front of you. First impressions, you know?

October 10, 2009: Kaley Cuoco

You may be wondering whats at the end of that rope she is pulling. If I remember correctly, it was wrapped around my genitals. She's the whip and gag type.


October 9, 2009: Julie Benz:
She may be a mom on Dexter, but she's a MILF in my book. Look at the golden hair just accidentally positioned across her bitties. And look, she's already wet.
October 8, 2009: Paula Patton:
This thing just had a baby. I relegate the term thing because she is a thing of beauty. Hope she reads this because I just wooed her better than Robin Thicke. Fuck, she's married to Robin Thicke. So much for our future together.

October 7, 2009: Kristen Bell:

We at Herm's Perm believe in justice. Judd Apatow may have featured plenty of Kristen's perfect jugs and toned abs in "Sarah Marshall," but he foolishly neglected her clearly stunning ass. As I type this, I'm literally thinking of ways to get my hands on that thing. It looks more squeezable than a stress ball.


October 6, 2009: Carmella DeCesare:
Our apologies for the serious lack of Sperm lately. We understand that this is how you get through the day. In an attempt to reconcile our neglectful ways, here's an entire site devoted to the former '04 PMOTY (NSFW, obvs).