Look, fuck you Kobe, bring on the Brits

Hey, the draw was great. Two bomb threats on the gorgeous Charlize Theron (South Africa native) during the draw for the 2010 World Cup. Lovely Charlize, and TWO BOMB THREATS. Who dares to kill her. This would kill me. My jackoff revenue would drop by 90% if Charlize was sent to the grave. Thankfully though, she made it through, and didn't even get raped!

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: championship weekend

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

I know you are fiending for some FASA right now. I left for one damn week, and now your all, "wheres my fix Wilt" and "WHERES MY FIX FAGGOT." I know you've missed this, and to make this special occasion (conference championships)  even more special, now you have a happy and completely non delusional Wilt. This Wilt has no regrets for a 5-7 season. That Fatshole is gone. Fuck him sideways on the way out Tyshawn. And we have a Biletnikoff winner coming back. (sees ESPN headlines)

KU's campus weight drops by 2 tons

IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED. It's like an early Christmans. Yes. Mark Mangino, gone the way of Charlie Weis and Dick Jauron. The resignation means the end of a great turnaround, and then a fall only comparable to a slip from the summit of Mt. Everest. I have had my yellings at the fat fella, but he will always have a friendly thought of the Orange Bowl in my mind. He turned a shitstain of a team into crimson and blue gem, and then into a shitstain covered gem. So, fuck him, kind of. Bring on the coaching carousel.

Adrian's Peterson doesn't like speed limits.

When you think of the Purple Jesus, what do you think of? Athleticism that only Hercules possesses. Badass eyes that pierce the souls of every man, woman and child. Speed that only Hurricane Katrina's wind could produce. Well, after Saturday's little stunt, we now know he isn't afraid to flaunt these talents off the football field.

Tom and Gisele have a heart-to-heart

Early Tuesday morning: Tom Brady opens the door to his five-story Boston penthouse wearing a custom pinstriped Gucci suit and, for some reason, carrying a black briefcase.

Tom (sounding quite forlorn): Honey, I'm ho-

Gisele (standing at the top of the staircase in the foyer): What kind of batshit pussy performance was THAT? Do you really think that it's okay for you to take your modelesque face into that blighted city and get shown up by someone who has a PERMANENT SHITSTAIN on his face? YOU'RE A STETSON MODEL, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Tiger acting a little too much like Tyga

More and more women have been showing off their jersey (polo shirt?) banging abilities to the press the past couple of days. Tyga Woods seems to have been getting a little side poontang from the ladies. Makes me wonder, though, what the other best players in the world have been doing.

For example, Zach Grenke. Best player ever (for the Royals). Has to get the pussy like catnip, but jesus that face is elementary. Plus he lives in Kansas City and, just ask Larry Johnson, the pickings are slim. So, with my overabundance of judgment, this is who he is fucking:

Herm's Perm gets its very own domain!

Ha! Just kidding. But really it's going to happen. It's just a matter of time now, but thanks to this asshole, who clearly came across our website, noticed we hadn't switched over to our own domain (hermsperm.com) and snatched it up like a last muffin on Charlie Weis' kitchen table, we are shit out of luck. What an asshole. Go eat an oil filter full of Pennzoil you cunt. Now we have to wait for a response from this guy. Don't know how much he is going to black ball us on this, but it could be a Michael Crabtree situation here.

Week 12 Rap-Up: Jake Delhomme is a vagina

And not just because he broke his po' widdew pinky. It's because CMello said so and that man is the Adam Schefter of rap. He once snuck into Jeff Garcia's bedroom to watch him turn down sex with his wife, Carmella DeCesare (October 26), to confirm Garcia's homosexuality. Yeah, he makes Anderson Cooper's reporting look like a Toddler using a microphone as a pacifier. IT SUCKS.

Your musical pleasurings after the jump. CMello's Rap-Up is unofficially sponsored by Trojan Condoms, but we'd sure like to make it official.

Dick Vitale Writes?! :About the Big 11?

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: Big 10 looks to build prestige.

Wilt Stilts in blue.

Dick Vitale in BOLD BABY!

You go, CBS wire services!

After Drew Brees made the Patriots' secondary look more helpless than the Japanese on August 6, 1945, I've had to settle for the little victories. Victories like watching the game on mute and evading the mind-numbing drivel that (I assume) spilled out of Jaws' and Gruden's lips like saliva on a stroke victim. I also enjoyed the company of my father and downed a few exotic beers at the Yardhouse.

After returning home and perusing the stat sheet, which only led to further depression, I came across a great line in CBS Sportsline's game recap. In comparing the Patriots' defeats to the remaining unbeaten NFL teams, the article read:

Tiger Has Upset The Family

(Monday Morning, First tee, Bay Hill Golf Course, Orlando)



TIGER: I don't know what to do. The media is all over me. This is all spiraling out of control, much like that tee shot I just sprayed down the right side. I don't understand why people are infatuated with this.

CMello honors USC with a victory rap

So this isn't a rap-up, but it will have to do because CMello is swamped with Jay-Z meetings and appearances at Victoria's Secret fashion shows. Yes, it's a freestyle about our favorite school, The University of Southern California. If you feel like this blog has been inundated with Trojan content and are upset about this inaccurately perceived transition, please email our human resources department (they handle all complaints) at idontgiveafuck@gmail.com.

Now, may I present, CMello.

Pete Carroll's playcalling gets douchey: Some USC-UCLgay photos

Henceforth, if any coach tries to call a tiemout against USC with Pete Carroll at the helm, the next play will always go for a touchdown. The circumstances of the timeout are completely irrelevant. Broken play? Hail Mary. Injured player? Hail Mary. Stopping the clock for a late-game field goal? Blocked kick for six.

That juncture probably lands in my top-3 best live-game moments of all time. So you can share my satisfaction, here are some pictures from the game, most of which are not of actual football.