September 5, 2009

College Foot-A-Palooza: Yeah for the Start of the Season.

In all honesty, since I would never lie to you guys, this is just a post just so bubb's last one doesn't get the top of the list. Really though, I had been meaning to make this post for a while. If you have been to Dick's lately, not man meat, you will notice a beautiful menage of a former USC running back. Yes, and he is not moving, as usual.

if you couldn't recognize it is
the famous Reggie Bush
and look who's knee is is just fine.
that's a first.
This is a nightcap for all of you NCAA fans who enjoyed the injuries in the new Dallas Stadium, the over-aggressive ranking of Georgia, and the few who were expecting easy Big 10 wins. We are on are way to another year of anger towards the BCS and it's been a good start to that goal.
Go........Les Miles.

Dear Big 12,

You are soft. Like a memory foam mattress. Like the pillsbury doughboy. Like Sam Bradford:

Just relish the look on Bradford's face as he writhes in the pain of his first-ever legitimate sack. I'm sorry, but SUCK IT UP YOU PUSSY. This is what happens when you're fed from a silver-spoon offensive line and are unexpectedly smote by the hat of Joseph Smith

Raise your right hand if you wish you entered the draft last year. Oh. I guess that's pretty ironic.

College-Foot-A-Palooza: USC Game Devoid of Surprises

56-3 sufficiently articulates the beatdown that occurred at the L.A. Coliseum today. The Trojans spent a few possessions acclimating to the intense heat, but the All-American backfield eventually realized its potential and ran over the SJSU Spartans like they were cheerleaders. Oh, and that freshman quarterback racked up 233 yards on 19 pass attempts. In Pete We Trust.

Here are several gameday photos, which chronicle the start of my tailgating escapades through the demolishing of the (evidently) lesser Spartans. Many of these photos reflect the level of inebriation at which they were captured. Just fucking enjoy.

Harly reflective of the massive tailgate that occurs on Trousdale. Baller, regardless.

San Jose State by crying and assuming the fetal position, which USC later inflicted upon them by force.

The three S's: Saturday, Sun and SCfootball

Vs. Ohio State 2008 score. Now add 21 points. Now look at OSU's game vs. Navy. Buckeyes = Soft.

90,000 fans fighting on. In one word: Heaven.

Columbus, here we come. If the Buckeyes came within a 2-point conversion of overtime with a bunch of unranked sea-faring men, just wait til Taylor Mays sets sail on Terelle Pryor. I hope he has life insurance.

College Foot-A-Palooza: GameDay

It's finally here. The day were schools begin their football season. For most, it will be enjoyable drunk day, where non-conference foes step into your stadium to get ravaged by the home school. For the few others, it will be a day of nervousness while they await their fate.

Those teams that are dumb enough to schedule an out of conference game against a highly ranked foe are playing with fire. We see it every year. Clemson last year, Michigan a few years ago. Your stepping into a potential season defining game with no in game practice. Yes this is you Virginia Tech and Alabama. It's also you guys Gerogia and Oklahoma State. The winners of these games will enhance their resume, and more importantly, their moral.

The losers will wallow in defeat as they begin their season on a horrible note. Few teams walk out of a first game loss, and can recover their season. It's like getting your shot at sex with Hayden Panettiere and then having erectile dysfunction problems. Your not gonna come out too strong next time around. So everyone, get your shotgun faces on and your beer pong form tweaked, 'cuz it's time to enjoy this day of 'responsible' college behavior. And do so while being entertained by the deceivingly high offensive stats, and NFL Blitz type box scores.
 ....unless your a buckeyes fan

Anyways, Northern Colorado, get ready to get your rock chalked.

September 4, 2009

College Foot-A-Palooza: Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse

This is a new weekly blog that is going to compare the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then roll it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

The Cocaine for the week is Boise State. Mainly just for their utter domination of the Ducks last night in the season opener. Now they can sit back, bend a spoon, get their Robert Downey Jr. on, as they prance their way through the WAC. With the likes of Utah State looming in their future, there is no doubt that they will confuse the computers at the end of the season. These boy's are hiiiiiigh.

Since it is only one day into the season there isn't much else to work with, but we can go ahead and drop Oregon into the Acid category. Yeah, 'they be trippin' and it's not the good trippin. Somewhere between Oregon and Idaho, they stumbled upon something to make them look like they had just emerged from eight months of slumber. They were slow, not reactive, and worst of all, bad at football. It might just be a long road for the boys in green, white, yellow? black? magenta? in 2009

Finally, we have our Opium section which will be headlined with the awesome handshake rule that was enacted by the NCAA this offseason. Well, it didn't take long for them to realize the severity of their mistake.

As you can see, true sportsmanship comes from not getting players close enough to rattle the shit out of them. Therefore, as I said in my earlier blog, this is good for the viewers. Right hooks always beat right hand shakes as far as I'm concerned. Now, Georgia and Oklahoma State are going to refrain from the forced sportsmanship for their game on Saturday. Man, when I'm right, I'm right. It's like I take peyote and see premonitions of whats happening in the future college football season. Ya...Go Drugs

September 3, 2009

College Foot-A-Palooza: Permcast

Everyone who wants to hear some pre-drunk babbling from two college age people, then you've come to the right spot. We cover topics that only the most ADD of people would cover, such as American Apparel, The Religion Conference, and A.J. Dualerio. Oh did I mention we were striving for an NCAA College Football Preview Permcast? No, well thats was our goal, but many times your goals aren't reached, just like Herm Edwards. So enjoy the half hour of nonsense we consider journalism. Please, if you want tickets to the 3-D showing at the Galen Center for the USC Ohio State game, leave a badass comment, that way we can actually have a laugh, and then cyber high five you with free tix. Go NCAA!

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GQ Identifies 25 Douchiest Colleges; Irony for GQ Readers Ensues

USC places 16th on the list because of our giant sunglasses. We're sorry that all of our students are blinded by each others' beauty.

KU did not make the list, probably because it rains too much in Kansas Kansans are too angry about their hideousness to put any effort into practicing douchebaggery.

Seriously, being a douche is hard work. Just ask GJay Cutler.

College Foot-A-Palooza: Profit Kyle Gives Predictions

Thou must follow the word, of the great and almighty Kyle, soon to be a brothren of the pen name 20K sexcapade, as I shall give upon the, profits of the most dire necessity. NCAA predictions. Enjoy in your native writing style as the future has been told and will unfold in this exact fashion....BITCHES!

ACC- Both Florida teams are gonna flop. I will promise it right now. They get overrated every year and this year wont be any different. Virginia Tech is probably the all round favorite, but those fucking dual QB systems are frustrating to watch. More frustrating than listening to Dick Vitale explain Hansbrough's NBA potential. So that leaves us with Georgia Tech. I love them. Passing? Pfft, fuck that. The triple option makes defenses wilt. No one can stop it, not even Tim Tebow spliced with a dragon. Then, with the time possession in their favor, GT can pick apart every team in the conference lacking high powered offenses, which is all of them. Definitely Georgia Tech.

Big 12- I'm not sure what could actually happen in this conference this year, but I can tell you Oklahoma State will eat shit. They will have the same problem that Missouri and Kansas had last year with the second year relapse. Another promise is that Kansas will win the North. It's a fucking lock. That offense is one of the best in the nation, and returned 18 starters from last year. In fact it gained a big power back to get short yardage. The defense is better, with a year under it's belt in the secondary, and one of the best safeties in the nation. I still think Oklahoma would come out of the south, even though everyone is on the longhorn's cock this off season. Bradford is just plain better. That's the single reason. When it comes down to the final between KU and OU, it's basically going to be a coin flip. I want KU 'cuz, I'm obligated to as a student there, but it will most likely be Oklahoma, 'cuz that's what the Big 12 officials want. I can promise you that the winner of the Big 12 will be in the National Championship though.

Big East-Is a joke. The Mountain West is a better conference. It's been proven, Utah beating Alabama, TCU beating Boise St. So, to be honest, they don't even deserve a pick from me. They should be grateful to have this many words since all the teams are about as good as Ludacris' acting. So, I will just do a coin flip tournament to decide the champ.

First round: Connecticut over Cincy. Louisville over Pitt. South Florida over Rutgers. Syracuse over West Virginia.

Second Round:Louisville over UConn. South Florida over Syracuse.

WINNER: South Florida. There you go. Your 2010 Big east champions.

Big 10- If arrogance won championships, then THE Ohio State University would win it all. Unfortunately, it hinders your team. Especially when your QB doesn't know the difference between zone and man. Wait, are we talking about Penn State too? Hell yes. They are both overrated. Both lost defensive talent and have horrible QB's and unknown running backs. That's why I'm going with Iowa. Drinking games aside, they are the best all round team. They're well coached with a returning QB and great O-line. That's enough to win in the slow paced Big 10 that has about as much excitement as a Kobe Bryant interview.

Pac-10-UCLA. Winning it all with no problem at all. (just kidding Bubb). The state of Oregon will duke it out, but it will be a battle for the two spot 'cuz USC has this locked up more than OJ. Their only "challenge" will be the early Ohio State game, but as I said before, the buckeyes are overrated. We will again get to enjoy the spoils of home on home jersey action in the battle for LA at the end of the season. Also, Cal might fight it's way into the two spot while the Oregons go at it, but that one sided offense isn't competing with USC. Either way, in the end, the Pac-10 champs will be the trojans.

SEC-Well if God were real, then Florida wouldn't lose a game this year. And they probably won't lose a game this year. So, maybe going to church would be a good idea. Nothing is stopping them from going to the title game this year. Ole Miss is gonna hit the wall like Okie State and LSU and Alabama are in different league than Florida. Tebow still won't win the Heisman but he will win the SEC and have a second coming in the natty champ and face off against Oklahoma who will again bust like a hymen under pressure.

September 2, 2009

Kobe Bryant Loses Popularity Contest to Elderly Spanish Singer Whom I've Never Heard of and a Guy from Kansas

The people of Los Angeles have spoken. Emerging victorious as the person who Angelenos would "most like to eat lunch with" was Plácido Domingo, a Spanish tenor who serves as the General Director of the Los Angeles Opera. Philip Anschutz of AEG placed second.

Upon first impression, this is completely baffling. Kobe Bryant is so popular, that his mere being invokes Rodney King-level insanity. Exhibits A, B and C:

Anschutz and Domingo's combined entertainment values produce a slightly more subdued result:
Upon closer review, the poll appeared exclusively online. The likeliness of Exhibits A and B owning a computer is worse than the Chiefs' Super Bowl chances, so this really wasn't a fair assessment to begin with. Kobe unofficially wins because the vast majority of his supporters lack the financial support and intellectual ability to respond to a poll, let alone understand the meaning of the word.

Edit: Kyle would like me to point out that Anschutz not only comes from Kansas, but attended the University of Kansas and has a library on campus named after him. Thanks Kyle, you arrogant prick.


Yes, yes. All of you need to simmer the fuck down. It's still one more day til the big day. Thursday the third of September doesn't just represent the day my rent is due. It does represent something that's been due for the past eight and a half months. Yes, it's Boise State football, er, college football in general. Schools in the top twenty five have their heads in the BCS cloud and will most likely be rained on thanks to the storm that is the BCS system. Since it's never too early to begin complaining about the BCS, that even the President loathes, I figure it's a solid time to start.

But first, some Jay-Z.

listen while watching lou holtz below

Yes, we are stuck in an "Empire State of mind" when it comes to the BCS. We have to deal with the empire that governs our beloved college football, and without even an Alicia Keys hook. Either way the problem should have been solved years ago, and even with lawsuits abound, it still lives on like a reoccurring nightmare (aka Brett fucking Farve). We need change. We have a cappuccino black president, and Weeds is the best show on TV. The world wants revolution, and I'm going to bring it to them, in the form of a blog with low readership.
make that improved readership

Wouldn't college football be better off drawing out of a hat? At least it would make for an interesting selection night. Because, we have the media voting on the BCS, we already know what is going to happen. This is where things need to be changed. There should be no locks in the bowl games. The top teams should make the BCS, and not Cincinnati. Of course, a tournament solves the problem for the championship, but we still need to fix the entry form. This is an easy fix if you consider just pushing the burden off on to an NCAA tournament selection committee. Seems like I've heard that before, somewhere.

Then obviously the tournament format would have to be decided on. There are about four to five weeks during the conference championships and national championship right now. That basically eliminates a tourney system of greater than 16. 16, though, is too many games, and doesn't reward the teams that have dominated all season. 12 seems solid, except it still leaves two many teams in, taking away TV money, and media attention away from the schools. 11 and 12 can enjoy a splendid cotton bowl game.

Then we come to 10 teams. I actually came up with this last year. This system would have two play in games between the 10-7 teams and then rewarding the top six with a bye. There would be no conference automatic bids 'cuz if you can beat your conference, you should make the tourney. If not, then clearly your team didn't do enough. If you have an undefeated season you will make the tourney no doubt.  Then the teams go at it for 4 weeks and the best team wins. Problem fucking solved. The money would still be there and it would be fair and even, yes even for you Utes.

There will be a sex boat load more of posts from here, and on through the weekend about the awesome games, the drankin, and the outcomes of said games and drankin.  Enjoy it, 'cuz just like sex with Megan Fox, it only comes once.

September 1, 2009

Lou Holtz's Perception of American Capitalism Matches his Perception of Notre Dame's Talent

Oh, yes. We're about to get stomach-deep in the bitch known as politics. You might want to double-bag this one.

lou holtz funny Pictures, Images and Photos

Before we dive in, lets recall a particularly befuddling prediction made by Lou Holtz last month, in which he proclaims Notre Dame will win the National Championship. Holtz's public display of disillusionment and separation from reality resurfaced in a recent Wall Street Journal article about the political affiliations of collegiate and professional head football coaches (the issue of this article's timeliness and relevance is an entirely separate story). Here are the coach's enlightening comments regarding why coaching reflects a republican/conservative mentality:

"You aren't entitled to anything. You don't inherit anything. You get what you earn—your position on the team," Mr. Holtz said. "You're treated like everybody else. You're held accountable for your actions. You understand that your decisions affect other people on that team…There's winners, there's losers, and there's competitiveness."

Congrats, Lou. You've effectively described every form of employment in the United States and perpetuated a stigma that Democrats are equivalent to socialists. Where is Dr. Kevorkian when you need him?

How exactly has Lou maintained his employment with ESPN? It's certainly not because of his tact and sensibility, or how he was hardly held accountable for his impeccable insight. And surely Lou's history as a coach doesn't entitle him to a position as an analyst, right? A prominent Democrat, who also happened to deliver the commencement speech at the coach's Alma Mater this past year, exhibited better sports foresight than Holtz.

If we give Lou's analytic skills the benefit of the doubt, and agree that Notre Dame's players over the past two seasons possessed enormous talent, then is Charlie Weis really being treated like everyone else?

If Republican coaches like Holtz ran the country, George Bush would be serving a third term and every year would begin with new prospects of a strong economy, only to end up like this:

Hold Your Ropes There Thigpen.

So yeah, Tyler is clearly gloating his new found starter position just a bit much. Almost as if he knew it would happen. And I don't mean in that, "this was my destiny" type of knowing. I'm talking about the "there's five bucks in it if you don't block for Cassel" premeditated knowledge. Clearly being the number two guy wasn't enough for 'ol Thigpen. Sadly, he may not even earn that starting position he prays preys for. Apparently Croyle has been hotter in training camp than Emma Watson rolling around in jello pudding, while Bill Cosby announces. (hides boner in library)

Still, Thigpen is the one that has proven it in games, and with a line about as permeable as an amoeba, a running QB will be desired. Of course anything could happen now with the Chiefs. They fired their O coordinator. They traded their only franchise player to the Falcons. Unless God is watching over, Kansas City is doomed for another 3rd pick in the draft next year. I guess the saying goes "To the loser goes the spoils."

Wait, What?

Mark Zuckerberg Forgets Nothing.

Remember when the Pittsburgh Pirates were hit with that whole cocaine scandal? Me neither. That's because it predates my birth by four years. Facebook's creater, on the other hand, had lived outside the womb for about one year. And lo, the overlord of social networking has not forgotten the abomination:

Yeah, and you thought the Facebook hackings were inconsequential. Yay for word verification.

August 31, 2009

Where Has This Been All My Life?

Two and a half months after the conclusion of the 08-09 NBA season, I've stumbled upon the greatest "Where Amazing Happens" spoof EVER.

Watch, as I did, in awe and adoration:

Mmmm. That's chunky.

That's a Way to Get Off on the Right Foot

Or should I say knee. Welcome all fans of Kansas City who still have a soul left from the past decade of horrid sports teams. Of course, if your like me, your soul was ripped out a long time ago. It's about time to add more suffering and this years Chiefs to that list. Awesome news today stating that Matt Cassel, or should I say 60 million dollars, will not be starting the season, thanks to an MCL sprain in his left knee. Almost as if God was taunting us for the severing of Brady's CL's last year.  Damn you Pollard. (winks and air high fives)

Now it's going to be an exciting race to see which backup can get the starting job. Thigpen with the astounding QB rating of 74.7 or the talentless long haired douchebag Croyle with an even shittier 67.5 QB rating. Just a heads up for week one in your fantasy league. Pick the Ravens. You will win your match.

Now they cut Chan Gailey. Honestly, what the fuck. Unless Pete Carrol has been assigned to the offensive coordinator position....what the fuck. How random is this. The only thing I can imagine is that Haley was getting frustrated with the O-line schemes, and just blew up. That offensive line sucks. Bad. I mean really bad. I mean Michael Jackson "bad".

August 30, 2009

Herman Edwards' Perm is Giving Away Tickets to the 3-D USC-Ohio State Game at the Galen Center

I'm going to pretend like this is your first time on the site, which I obviously know it isn't. We're way too popular. Anyway, we reported last week that USC and Taylor Mays will appear in 3-D at the Galen Center when they battle Ohio State on Sept. 12. Since you were all too lazy to get off your keisters and pick up tickets for the event, the Perm has decided to bail you out. Here are the deets:

The best two comments on Herm's Perm posts, both past and present, will be rewarded with free tickets. If you post anonymously, sign your name or moniker at the bottom with an email address. Feel free to comment via text, video, photoshopped picture of Terrell Pryor being mutilated by Traveler - whatever you think will set yourself apart.

We will announce the winners on September 8, at which point we will ask them to email me (Bubb Rubb) to coordinate the ticket exchange.

Ground Rules:
1. The same person can win all of the tickets. This means if you have enough wit, sarcasm and creativity to impress Herm Edwards TWICE, then more power to you, ya cocky fuck.

2. Sullying the name of Herm Edwards is grounds for disqualification. Everything else is fair game.

That's it. Vaya con dios.

Tom Brady's Shoulder is Just Fine, Thank You.

The same can't be said about Kevin O'Connell's employment in the NFL. ESPN is reporting that the Pats cut the second-stringer because, apparently, not having a backup is still better than having Kevin O'Connell as one.

Bill Belichick's notorious use of smoke screens with the media is more prevalent than California forest fires, but it seems that this move is his way of saying "No, seriously. Brady is fine. I'll prove it by cutting our only backup. Sorry, I'm unfamiliar with the Brian Hoyer fellow that you keep referring to."

Here's the video of Brady being enveloped by 350 pounds of curb-stomping blubber.

Michigan Cheats-Still Suck

According to multiple sources from Michigan's football team in '08 and '09, the team has been flirting with NCAA violations right after the Lloyd (why the fuck does Lloyd need to L's?) Carr days. Now it's hit them with full force. The Michigan coaches were apparently practicing the team more than double what is allowed by the NCAA, and then listing those extra practice hours as 'injury prevention.' And you thought the state of Michigan couldn't look any worse. Probably the most disturbing part of this story though, is the fact that these practices actually made the team worse.

These accounts come from '08 and '09 which are the two major down seasons for the Wolverines. Sadly, the extra workout training proved useless when pined up against the likes of Appalachian State and Toledo. This makes for the worst kind of cheating, the kind that makes you degrade as a team. Now, Rich Rodriguez is going to have to explain himself. I mean, he broke the one rule you shouldn't break. It's the easiest one to get caught doing. That rule is probably the only rule in the book that is easy to understand, so there's no "I didn't know" excuse.

Really though, it's the Michigan fans that need an explanation. How can you work your team out more than double every other team, and then still lose nine games. There will be an investigation soon, most likely, and Ann Arbor is going to be swarmed with Rachael Nicholses. For all you students who choose Michigan for their sports prestige, maybe you should reconsider Michigan State. At least they have a basketball team.

Great Athletes Should Never be Considered Students. Ever.

For once, I will defend Tim Tebow. Jesus 2.0, if you will, is taking one class as a senior. As one Jew, to an incarnation of another, Mazel Tov.

Athletes like Tebow, especially at public universities, should never be considered "student-athletes." Tebow is a "true" senior - as in, he never served as a redshirt and still found a way to play football and graduate within four years. Matt Leinart, who won 37 games in 39 starts during a three year span, served as a redshirt throughout his tenure as a staple in the USC offense. As a fifth-year senior, it's perfectly acceptable to finish his education with one class. Lane Kiffin approves, and he's a BOSS.

But Tebow...after just four years? Is Florida a bunch of downed syndromes? Yes, they are. BUT, Tebow shouldn't be considered a student in the first place. Enrolling in general education classes about the history of Bill Cosby's Nigerian heritage have little relevance to Tebow's skills as a PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. Although he chooses to bestow his knowledge upon audiences that could give a fuck less, his primary education is FOOTBALL.

The NFL lacks a system where legitimate athletes, who have no motivation to LEARN AND EDUCATE THEMSELVES, have an avenue to develop their physical skills sans the academic bullshit. AFL? Bankrupt. CFL? Big Brother-Controlled Pussy Shit.

I'm still clueless as to how Tebow is finishing his education in, essentially, three and a half years. Typical educations require 120 credits to graduate, which includes UF. That means in his first 3.5 years, Tebow took an average of approximately 17 credits per semester. Well...if you can juggle that with an Urban Meyer practice schedule and maintain a 3.77, then call me Schiavo and enroll me as a major in family, youth and community sciences.

Any critics of the system need to reevaluate the situation. I will forever be an advocate of athletes who bring their game to the collegiate level for the sole purpose of continuing their education to continue professionally. AS AN ATHLETE. These people have little reason for engaging in the classroom drivel. They are here to become professional SPORTSMEN. Not professional ACADEMICS. Throw footballs, shoot basketballs and hit baseballs. If you can't make it to a professional level, get an education. Yes, that goes for you water polo, soccer, track/field, poker and billiards players. If you're not a member of the latter group, fuck the books, lectures and general intellectual hoopla. It's cockamamie horseshit. Win games for your alma mater and return to donate money to the program.

So Tebow, be proud of your one-class excuse for a senior year. It's one more reason for USC to flaunt its dominance once TRUE FRESHMAN MATT BARKLEY plops his proverbial excrement all over your program. USC over Texas in the Natty. Revenge at the Rose Bowl.

Yeah, I spoiled my Permcast predictions, but only 'cuz there's a surprise for SC fans comin' up this week. Stay tuned.