Perm's Portraits - Lane Shittin

Rappers love to shit on others. Just ask Lil Wayne. His shit jokes fire off freely like Kobe Bryant jumpshots. He's never afraid, but it's actually Kanye who encompasses everything that went down in Tennessee.

Closeout sales at Gil's

IF YOU THOUGHT OUR SALES WERE BANNANAS LAST TIME, THEN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS SHIT.

Solve that problem with some brand new NIGHT VISION GOGGLES at GILBERT'S GUN GARAGE.

EVERYTHING MUST GO AT GGG's LOCKED UP-STRAP UP SALE!

Hey, It's Gil, and I need to evacuate these weapons like Haiti residents. Hurry and get a lightly used glock WITH THE SERIAL NUMBERS SCRAPED OFF . It's virtually undetectable.

And check this out

Haiti earthquake felt in Knoxville

Reports of the devastating earthquake that set Haiti back to fourth-world country status yesterday also decimated the University of Tennessee's recruiting class. In an unprecedented event, geologists are taking a page from the meteorologists' book by naming the earthquake. Henceforth, the Haiti quake will be known as Ed Orgeron.

A lesson in the art of entertainment

You all suck. Like, what the hell is wrong with you? When did people stop enjoying being entertained?

Shut the fuck up about steroids. Do you know why the NFL is the most popular league in the country? Because guys like Shawne Merriman can use steroids, only get suspended for four games, come back and continue to rip guys’ heads off, and NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK. You know why no one gives a flying fuck? Because what would the NFL be without guys getting as juiced up as they possibly can? I’ll tell you what it would be: it would be shitty. Fucking terrible. I don’t want to watch that shit in HD.

The same goes for baseball. Do you know what baseball would be without performance-enhancing drugs? It would be the 2009 Cubs. I fucking wish Geovany Soto would use ‘roids. Instead, he uses twinkies. And marijuana. Neither of which enhances any kind of baseball performance. At all. And you know what? It fucking sucks to watch. He looks like a sloth behind the plate.

OH MY GOD, MARK MCGWIRE USED STEROIDS! Let’s say he didn’t use steroids. And Sammy Sosa didn’t use steroids. And, as a result, let’s say neither hit more than 52 homers in 1998. That would have absolutely sucked.

What most of you are telling me, though, is that you would rather that awesome home run chase never happened. You would rather Craig Counsel and Ryan Theriot be the faces of the league. Fuck you. You’re idiots.

Is it a coincidence that the best baseball players of our generation also happened to be ‘roiding? FUCK and NO. Barry Bonds, McGwire, Roger Clemens, A-Rod, Manny. They were or are all fun to watch. I don’t care if they injected themselves with Roger Maris’ sperm or sprinkled themselves with Tony LaRussa’s magic pixie dust.

Draw a line in the record books. Make a new section of the Hall of Fame. I don’t give a shit. But SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The Gang gets back together.

(Scott Pioli sitting in his luxurious new general manager seat inside Arrowhead Stadium, polishing his championship rings and staring at 2004 pictures of the ole gang and reminiscing)

Scott - Gosh darnit, we need to have a reunion. (calls secretary)

Clancy Pendergast - What can I do ya for boss?

Scott - Clancy, can you get me Toddy boy? We're gonna have ourselves a little chit chat ok?

Clancy - Absolutely boss, and hey, can I go back to working on the defense again?

Scott - Ehhh, just get Toddy will-ya?

Clancy - (sighs) fine.

(two seconds later, door blows up from a C4 charge.)

The Perfect Storm 2: Pete Who?

All is quiet on the Northwest front. Nary a tweet, facebook status update or old-fashioned media comment from new Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll about his replacements. Could it be because he's already too busy relaxing in his bathtub full of $100 bills, brainstorming ways to work around his quarterback downgrade from M. Barkley? Maybe. The more likely scenario is that he's using those hundos to mop his piss off the floor, after realizing that USC's new coaching staff will expose the fact that he, and not his henchmen, was actually the most replaceable element of the equation.

Hey it's you (steroid user)... MCMUFFIN!

Mark McGwire and his 400 inch biceps today shockingly admitted to using steroids, completing the rule breaking record breaker circle. This just adds him to the list with Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Jason Grimsley.

"I hid it (steroid abuse) from everybody," he said, but he wouldn't be done exposing his secrets just there.

"I also want to admit, also, that the earth is, in fact, round, and not flat as we all origionally assumed." Shocking quotes from the 90's slugger, but he still wasn't done.

Now, we talkin bout practice.

There are those days when you feel the weight of the world crushing on you. Days like this effect so many people. Days like Princess Diana's death, and JFK's death change you as a person. For me, this is one. Maybe it's just the shots talking, but FUCK AND NO.

Now, we here at the Perm have had a rough weekend. USC losing Pete Carrol, and the Patriots losing in a wild card game, very decisively might I add. All through the mess of the weekend, I had remained almost completely unscathed. The Chiefs have been done for a week, the Royals are the Royals, but my one positive fanship was doing just fine.

Then this happened.