SARS: Fuck My Life.

Excuse me. I'm drowning my life in a 6-3 record. Taylor  Mays man-crush? A joke.

If I had a basketball team with Zav-YAY Henry, I'd be okay. Not all fans can enjoy this shit. Two All-Americans and a freshman phenom? Slam me over the head with a shovel. Here you go anyway.

Support Ochocinco

Roger Goodell is a stiff. In other news, Brett Favre is a douchey indecisive homo. SURPRISE!

If you're going to decide which pundit is worse, it's Goodell. I decided for you, because Favre will perish/retire long before Goodell relinquishes his position. Because of this, you must purchase an Ochocinco jersey. I'm asking my mom for one for channukah! Fight the power and support the Anti-No-Fun-League.

Ocho 4 Life.

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 11/1

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
Last week's FASA had more upset than a wagon full of toddlers. I called some, and some I did not, but last weeks picks were specifically a result of the way Kansas has handled this "conference schedule" thing. It got worse this week with a loss to ....(sigh)... the pussies. If you thought last weeks upsets were too much, then you might consider not finishing this (DON'T STOP READING WE NEED THE READERSHIP). This week's choices will be done with 900 cc of a cortisone, shot right into my cerebral cortex. NO CEILINGS?!

PermCast: November 12, 2009: NBA and Some Other Shit.

There may not be a cat stuck inside these walls, but there sure as hell is a PermCast waiting for your viewing. Yes, you may try to entice it with another cat to try and get the Cast and the Cat to mutually bond, but when you pull the string it's just going to break. The only way to fully recover the information in this PermCast is to walk right into the wall and grab it, but be careful, because you might get stuck. If you failed to watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" then you have no idea what this paragraph means, and I could give two shits if you do. Remember, just click on the Perm Edwards on the right hand side to get your cast. Enjoy!

Head Games

An article in the Wall Street Journal today proposed that football would be a safer game without helmets. As one of our nation's leading publications, I'm inclined to believe this argument, even though it seems to contradict logic and common sense. The article later admits that removing helmets from football is a practical impossibility, and suggests ways in which the sport could be pussified to reduce head injuries.

In honor of the WSJ's report, Herm's Perm will recognize some of the everyday forms of protection that fail to fully serve their purposes.

Dick Vitale Writes? Perplexing Questions

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: 10 Questions about the 2009-10 Season 

Introducing the Founding Class of The Perm Hall of Fame

From day one, we here of this establishment have publicized our appreciation for the creative, extravagant and gaudy hairstyles. If this wasn't apparent from the graphic at the top of your screen, you're either blind or subscribe to the conspiracy theory that Herm Edwards really does have a perm, but covers it up like a CIA assassination flub.

On behalf of the Perm family, Wilt, Bubb, 908, Canaan, CMello and, of course, Herm himself, we proudly announce that Ron Artest as the first inductee into the Perm Hall of Fame.

NFL Week 9 Rap-Up with CMELLO!!!!

So, from randomly getting a tip from CMello yesterday, to today, getting a great rap about the NFL week 9 happnenins. Now, an entire segment dedicated to CMello and his antics. He shares shares our love of high proofed alcohol, going out of town, and packing up, just like the real Herm Edwards.

Today's topics:

Kris Brown's kick being shitty.

Larry Johnson's pink polka dotted Snuggie.

Green Bay OM fucking G?

Ochocinco Phrase Now Full-Fledged Chart-Topper

Perm follower and rapper extraordinare CMello (no, not Mr. Anthony of the Nuggets) was kind enough to leak an exclusive rap to us. These illin rhymes and beat - not to mention one of the best hooks we've heard since this band emerged - are worthy of making even the venerable Mr. Edwards get hyphy on the dance floor. Wilt and Bubb did, anyway. Here's "Kiss The Baby (Child, Please)":

In honor of tonight's Monday Night Football matchup, fuck the Steelers.

Saints, Colts Fans May Not Live to See 16-0

Hopes for perfect seasons in Indy and Nawleans remain intact after both teams squeaked by their respective opponents yesterday. For some, each team's success is the life-blood of their fans. Literally. There's a good chance that a large portion of each fan base will meet their demise if they are removed from the life support that is perfection.

Just look at Granny! She hasn't been this excited since the invention of Viagra, or maybe the recently proposed Medicare bill. Gramps, on the other hand, looks to be mid-stroke. Probably the fault of Kris Brown's leg.

Don Drapers Selling Tactics: Draper Loses an Account

Roger Sterling: So Don, what are we gonna do about the Johnson account. You heard they cut the umbilical cord on him.

Don: (deep sigh) Yeah. I have him coming in in about ten minutes. I'll deal with him then.

Sterling: I know we've had our share of issues with him, but he is one hell of a negro to get drinks with.

Don: Would you shut the fuck up. I'm going through a divorce.

Sterling: I know, I know. Me and Jane have been having crazy 1960's missionary sex all week. I wouldn't be able to make it through a week without it. I don't know how you've done it.

Don: Oh it's ok. (lights cigarette) I've got relations with my daughter's teacher to tide me over

(Larry Johnson opens door)

DeAngelo Hall: The Tattle-Tail Thug

I didn't know if yall knew this, but DeAngelo Hall is a gangsta. And when you punk a gangsta when he is doin' the damn' thang, you best believe they gon' ryde.



OH SHIT SON. SHIT. BE. ON. You best be watchin' out the corna of yo eye, coach Smiff. Because there will be fines and reprimands up in dis jawnt. This some next level gangsta shit, D. Hall comin' fo yo integrity. You think you can get away with cussin' me out, pimpin? Pshh, FUCK NAW.

Everybody think that because D. Hall got snuck by the league leada in grit that D. Hall roll like some kinda bitch. D. HALL NOT NO BITCH.

You think I'm done after hittin' up the commissioner? Nah, son. I wasn't playin' when I said Coach Smiff knows where to find D. Hall. He gon' get his invite to my off-season dinner party like he always do. D. Hall got them good hospitality skills. BUT THEN I AINT GON TELL HIM THAT THE DINNER PARTY HAVE AN ALL-WHITE DRESS CODE. AINT NOTHIN LIKE PUNKIN A BITCH ON THAT FASHION TIP. BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO SWAG, D. HALL FRESHER THAN A MUH FUCKA.

Now if ya'll excuse me, I got to go pick me up some new lip balm. D. HALL DON'T RYDE WITH NO CHAPPED ASS BITCH LIPS.

LIVE BLOG: Jessica Simpson's Former Boyfriend vs. Clifford's Former Caretaker

The Giants-Chargers game just wrapped and the 21-20 result in favor of the Bolts was more satisfying than watching my own team improve to 6-2 and take a healthy lead in the AFC East. I thrive on the misery and shortcomings of Eli Manning, which you probably remember if you read the live blog two weeks ago.

The pleasure of Eli's loss is amplified by the loss coming by the hands of the quarterback who was selected behind him in the 2004 draft. Not to mention that Eli has a superior offensive line and backfield to inflate his numbers, giving the appearance that he's a good quarterback. I could literally rant for hours about this, but I already wrote about it a while back. Glad to see my detailed analysis has finally proven itself.

Alas, I'm sure you're not here to listen to why the Giants suck syphilis'd Chinaman penis. You're here for the live blog of the Eagles-Cowboys game. We promise not to make any jokes about Michael Vick's dog abuse, Tony Romo's dubious heterosexuality and Andy Reid's approach to Mangino-like mass. Psych.

As always, Wilt in Jayhawk blue and Bubb in Trojan cardinal.

SARS: Week 10. UPSET ALERT

Welcome to SARS: a recap of the Saturday footballings (Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse) that weren't contained by Wilt's disease mask. Because someone has to keep this asshole humble.

After an abysmal week of predictions two Fridays ago, Wilt rebounded with a solid performance that even Robert Downey could applaud. Wilt predicted a slew of upsets, and the NCAA delivered, just like your weed dealer on 4/20.