March 11, 2010

Oh Dick's, you leave so many holes in your story

I had to show this for multiple reasons, all of which will be explained in just a second. First I want to start off by saying, seriously, why the fuck Dick's? Why the fucking name? Are you that desperate for attention that you named your palace of guys Dick's? And if you are in such a need for marketing material, then why the fuck do you make commercials like this. I digress..

..Into more Dick('s) bashing.

So as you can see at the beginning of the commercial, there are two over the hill center fielders. Not over the hill as in they are in deep center field in Astros stadium. Over the hill like fucking older than Christ.

Ken Griffey Jr begins by saying his glove makes him a fielding god. That may be true, as long as the ball drops within 2 feet of your original positioning. Anything farther and you run the risk of your knee cap falling off.

Torii Hunter counters by showing off his fancy new cleats that have the same exact specifications as any other cleat made EVER. No jet packs. No secret stash slot. No insulin pump for pumping steroids. NOTHING. These cleats then somehow magically give him the ability to hit Griffey's pitch (which I could do) into the second deck of Dick's. CONGRATS ON THE CONTACT.

Also, before I move on, let's point out that Griffey is wearing the SAME FUCKING CLEATS.

Now the race is on. A woman breaths to the beat of bass as they run around the store, magically not slipping once, even though they are using metal spikes on linoleum. Torii touches golf shit, Griffey runs like he's in the Blair Witch Project. Now Torii is touching bikes, and Ken finds the ball in some fishing gear. Torii now runs and touches a checkout counter while in use, and no one even notices that FUCKING TORII HUNTER IS RUNNING THROUGH YOUR DICKS. Sorry, DICK'S.

Now Griffey (being on the second level of the store and all) has this genius idea of hoping the GODAMN RAILING. Now he's in a free fall of approximately 20 ft. This is not only improbable for an acrobat, but lest you forget that Ken is running around in metal spikes ON LINOLEUM. And that falling 20 feet onto metal spike is completely impossible, especially for someone who hasn't had a year without spending time on the DL with knee surgeries.

And for the grand finale, Torii and Ken cum come together at the Dick's home plate and are there at relatively the same time. Tie goes to the runner right? Not according to the black guy just sitting there with a mexican guy and a white guy all of which are wearing baseball pants. Who are these people? No clue. Why do they just sit at a bench in Dick's wearing baseball gear? NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS.

Of course, in the uncut version of this commercial, Torii stands up at the end and tells the hispanic guy that he really isn't black and then yells at the producer and runs full sprint over ice with his cleats and doesn't slip until he gets to spring training where he strikes out.

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