August 7, 2009

ND stand for Not Deserving

The Coaches Poll for the college football season came out Friday, and it was somewhat mesmerizing to say the least. Florida got the top spot which isn't the amazing story. It's who made the 23rd spot that is surprising. Notre Dame some how "earned" itself a spot in the top 25. This is unbelievable. I don't know if Jesus was voting in the coaches poll, but this is worse than getting crucified. This poll was basically generated on the previous season's ending, and it did for the most part, except for giant lapse in judgment. Let's just compare the teams around Notre Dame on the poll and how they finished.

21-Iowa-Finished 8 and 4 with a win in the Capitol One Bowl against South Carolina. Clearly deserving of this spot. And if drunk shenanigans are a barometer of how well they will play this year they might just make a run at Florida.

22-Nebraska-9-4 at the end of the season beating Clemson on New Years. In fact this is a little low for an up and coming team, but I understand where they sit. And you only have to pay 45 dollars to watch their home games on pay-per-view. Big red seems like more of a slogan for their advertising balance sheets.

23- Notre Dame-7-6 at season's end. Obviously the weakest finish of the earlier teams. Not to mention that their bowl win was against mid major Hawaii. And if you were wondering, yes they finished 2 games behind Navy in the Independent league.

24-BYU-10-2 in a tough mountain west conference with a tough loss against Arizona to cap off the year, but still clearly deserving of a top 25 ranking. And why can't these guys recruit the best players in the nation. They're basically assured 3 wives once graduated.

25-Oregon State-8-4 to end the season after almost making the Rose bowl, but went on to beat Pitt on New Years eve to make all of the state of Oregon shit their pants. This team should be topping many of these teams earlier on the list, but at least they made it.

It's not just the teams around them that had better finishes then the Irish, but check out the teams in waiting.

26- Kansas -7-5 with a win in the Insight bowl going through a tough big 12 schedule. Way more deserving than the future priests of America. And their coach could compete with Charlie Weis in the "most molecules in a human being" department.

27- Michigan St.-finished 9 and 3 even after a loss to stacked Georgia in their bowl, but it is clearly deserving some respect.

28- Texas Tech- This team lost two games last year with one of the toughest schedules and yet still no love. 'Cause going 11 and 2 just isn't enough to stay in the top 25 for next year. They also hold one crazy ass coach, and is almost in the league with Stephon Marbury. But, it's more of a good insane like Rorschach in "Watchmen."

Honestly, Notre Dame must have bruised their knees praying for this outcome cause it's clearer than holy water that the Irish are not deserving. Heck, the team lost to Syracuse last year. And it's not like they reloaded their team. No it's the same fucking exact team, coach, and schedule and somehow they are expected to do better than teams like Oregon State who have every single player back from a Rose Bowl run. Come on coaches. Plus they have the most over-hyped person of the century at the quarterback position and they haven't gotten a cent of talent from him. Check that, he's the second most over-hyped person of the century, 'cause it's the guy who's coaching his ginger ass who dons the most overrated person of the century. Charlie Weis is getting paid millions upon millions a year to take a team 6-6 or 7-5. Isaiah Thomas could coach this team better, and at least he would have the ability to avoid players while they rumble into his knee on the sideline. So, please, AP poll, fix this horrid mistake that a can of mushrooms could have prevented. Keep the wife beating Irish out of the polls and give a team that has a shot at a championship game some excitement for this preseason.

Your Fantasy Football Draft Neurosis is Futile

I hate Matthew Berry. And Eric Karabell. And every other Goddamn nerd who earns more than $100,000 per year making up bullshit predictions about players who gave them swirlies and duct taped them to a urinal in high school.

Yes, happy fantasy football season to all.

I’m not calling them out because I’m jealous and think that there’s little to no actual skill involved in their jobs. I’m doing it because I know there’s no actual skill involved. How, you ask?

I played in two fantasy football leagues last year. I was commissioner in one leage, and a regular schmoe in the other. As commissioner, I drafted first, and was one of two or three people to actually be present for the draft. As a nobody, I failed to pre-rank my players and attend the live selection.

As commissioner, I drafted first overall, and selected Bernard Pollard’s only career highlight.

I failed to make the playoffs.

As a nobody, I autodrafted Aaron Rodgers, Andre Johnson, Santana Moss, Matt Forte and The Most Overlooked Reason Why The Lions Almost Won A Game (Kevin Smith, you fucks).

I lost in the Championship.

So, in honor of my fantasy football picks having a worse chance of success than Plaxico Burress’ court defense, here’s my top-5 bests and busts. In no particular order:


Donte’ Stallworth’s Bentley

Just like Taylor Mays, it could give a fuck less about getting flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Its off-the-field behavior has certainly drawn the longing gaze of Jerry Jones and whoever “runs” the Bengals.


Al Michaels

As far as I know, the last boothside buddy that John Madden deserted grew a beard and led a bunch of midgets on an unnecessarily long hike. I can’t imagine that Michaels will be any better off.


Dennis Miller’s color-commentary career

If Dennis Miller is hired back onto the MNF staff, it all but guarantees Al Michaels’ simultaneous resignation. If you’re following along at home, that means Dennis Miller will monologue every MNF game. Blind people won’t even realize they’re watching listening to a football game.


Terrell Owens’ “bodyguard” Pablo

If you’re like me, you get sucked into every worse-than-shit VH1 show because it happens to be on while you’re folding laundry. And once you start, you can’t stop. If you also watch “The TO Show,” then you’re already aware that Pablo is a black, freeloading version of Turtle from “Entourage.” At least Turtle chauffeurs for the man who stuck a silver spoon up his ass.


Vince Young’s therapist

I don’t think anyone’s worked as hard this past year. If you’re counseling a millionaire NCAA champion who’s depressed about his life, and you somehow find more reasons for him not to kill himself, you must be in a contract year.

Big Bust:

The Chest of Hank Baskett’s Wife

Get it? Because she has enormous surgically enhanced breasts! SEX JOKES ARE FUNNY!

Fuck you, Hank Baskett. You're an awful person for pulling this off.


Roger Goodell

Like buying stock in General Motors, his No Fun League reign can only get better from here, right? Right??


LaDanian Tomlinson

Because why the fuck not?

Clean Sheet

No, this isn't a soccer blog but, if that's what will make anyone read this then maybe it could be. As of now Herm's Perm is going to be mainly for interesting takes of what I think is going on in sports. It's also going to have some signature photoshoping to go along with my stunning commentary about athletics. Mostly it will be me just being a hot head and blowing up in the face of coaches and players, but at least there will be pictures!

Also keep in mind that there will be mildly strong fucking language and should probably not come as a surprise when your eyes deteriorate because of the harsh language, but don't be concerned cause that's just a minor side effect of dealing with herm's perm. This by the way is Wilt Stilts and I currently reside in Lawrence, KS and go to the University of Kansas where the 2010 national champion's also reside. Too early? Just sit back and enjoy the educational advancement this blog will bring and don't try to get too big of a flasked dick reading.

Hello. I'm a Herm's Perm Blogger.

Hey. Welcome to Herm’s Perm. We’re still shitting in our diapers and eating Gerber. Everyone starts out this way. Hopefully one day we’ll grow up, get arrested for drug trafficking and live a comfortable, well-fed life in prison. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

My name is Bubb. I go to the University of Southern California. My passion for sports far exceeds my knowledge of them. I had a basketball shoe fetish in middle school. I have a man-crush on Taylor Mays. I don’t have hobbies.

Enjoy this blog. Or don’t. It’s your life.

Editor's note:
Herm's Perm has no affiliation with sperm, sperm banks, or Herm Edward's man-seed. It's just a coincidence.