September 26, 2009


What? I...I...How am I supposed to live a conscienceless life if Jesus 2.0 is concussed. Speechless. All of us, as humans, can hope for is that He suffered brain damage to alleviate brain damage from the rest of humanity. That means you Terri Schiavo. He has sacrificed his brain cells for the helpless. Epic 2010 special olympics.

Look at the way Tebow's body spread, flailed to the ground
with his arms spread. Coincidence? I think not.

This is just a reminder to all that god will smite you, whether you are His favorite Son or His lesser, more hairy son. This is also a warning for all Kentucky students. You have opened a box of plague on your campus. Expect the downfall of your athletic program. You just tempted God and he will make you pay.

John Calipari is unquestionably destined to contract Accelerated Parkinsons.

Let's move on to the real games. KU won by a touchdown, thanks to Kerry Meier. He's like Julian Edelman. But not Jewish. Or proven in THE LEAGUE.


Here are some pictures from the various views of USC's ROMP (sorta) against WAZZUpuss:

Yeah, they're shitty. Just like Stanford's win against Washington. Kentucky's demolition of Tebow is the only thing keeping me hopeful for this college season. At least it's Sunday in 40 minutes! Go Thomas!

September 25, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 4

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

Have you ever freebased crack before? Well, for those of you that haven't, it's exhilerating. It blows your mind and can enhance the normal effects of crack by 289% (Stat from the Institution of Madeup Stats). It's like enjoying a roller coaster (crack) and then doing crack before going on the roller coaster (freebasing crack). That's how potent it is. When you mix ether with the coke and baking soda, you have a concoction that can tickle your synapses for hours on end. The drug will blow your mind, and it can be a blast as well. Richard Pryor approves.

Somewhat Inebriated/Legit Intoxicated FRIDAY Post

Dear vigilant readers,

I'm going to get food. Enjoy this:


No, no. We will not be distracted. Pressing issues must be addressed.
Okay, fuck. There are no pressing issues.
Ole Miss, aka, "Mississippi," aka, the state whose name I know only because of Mark Twain, LOST tonight. They were #4. Nobody cared.
So... GO AARON CORP @3 in the depth chart. Psych, Mustain is fielding punts. If someone watched the SOFT SEC game, Corp would be relieved of his blame. BUT IT'S ALL ABOUT EXPECTATIONS.

In all honesty...




[sober morning edit]

I don't know what the fuck this is or means, but I am sorry.

September 24, 2009

Suicide Notes: Aaron Corp

It's Thursday, and it's a great day to ponder suicide, waddya think? It's sunny and 71 with a slight chance of depression and a 100 percent chance of Xanax in Aaron Corp's future. In fact, there could be quite a few other pills joining the Xanax in his system after a horrible last week. (BING) Oh, an email, wonder who it could possibly be. Wow, it's Aaron Corp, and it's his suicide letter. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!. Well, since I disclose everything to the public, including criminal records and gay tests (yes, it's a real thing) here you go.

Message from Aaron Corp:

Dear God, (How did he forward this to god, and then why did god forward this to me?)

September 23, 2009

Return of the Perm-O-Meter: Herm the Quarterback Extraordinaire

ESPN's resident Michael Vick expert is at it again, this time expanding his analysis to the other struggling quarterbacks of the league. He's also graced by the presence of Hannah Storm, who delivers the questions in tornado-like fashion, even momentarily confusing the usually unflappable Herm at one point. Let's take a look (questions and responses aren't verbatim. Sorry, it's more fun this way):

A Day in the Life of Tyshawn Taylor

I had the chance to tag along with fellow KU student Tyshawn Taylor yesterday, and man what an exciting day it was. I decided to transcribe it in all it's glory for all to see, a day in the life of Tyshawn Taylor.

Signs of life begin in the 314 room of Jayhawker Towers. A young man begins his early morning ritual of tossing his sheets off his bed, and in the process, kicking his slut of the night to the floor. He mumbles an incoherent set of words, followed by a line that all sluts have heard at one point or another. Time to move bitch our I'll Markieff your ass. (referring to Markieff Morris who shot an old lady last year with a pellet gun.). The whore leaves with a face of disappointment as Tyshawn logs onto his laptop and checks the Chad Ford's mock draft, only to see he has dropped out of the lottery. A few cuss words and a shower later he is ready for class.

Tyshawn walks to class everyday to keep his campus aura up. Although he is a clear third wheel to Cole Aldrich and Sherron Collins, he still gets, as he says, mad love from the students here. Lately though, the newspapers at KU have been a little too football oriented for Taylor's liking. I'm not sayin I hate the football team, but they (are) only ranked 19. Man we (are) ranked one. That's the best in the nation and I have a gold medal. I need face time. I'm from Jersey City. I'm from the slums and I was gonna go to Marquette, but thanks to a coaching change, I am here. People should be grateful even to have me. Clearly perturbed, he enters his class, African American Studies, and picks a seat next to Marcus Morris which is also the farthest seat from the professor. Conversation get's heavy as the two begin hating on the football team.

September 22, 2009

Firearm Management With Tom Brady

Have you ever had trouble with those pesky fans banging on your windows wanting autographs after rough sex in your golden silk sheeted bed? How 'bout issues with paparazzi snapping photos of your pregnant girlfriend's stomach containing your illegitimate child? Well, worry no more with the brand new defense mechanism...


September 21, 2009

Herm's Perm is Twittilated

I promised myself I would never get on Twitter. Ever. Nobody fucking cares that I sharted in my "History of Humanity" lecture or that I walked in on Lil Romeo giving a reach-around to a grizzly bear (one of which actually happened. And I've never taken "History of Humanity"). This picture sufficiently sums up my attitude toward tweeting:

Herman Edwards, on the other hand, made no such statement. So follow us like it's 2001 and you're being led into a war against Iraq. If you don't, it'd be fucking unpatriotic. Link on the side, too.

Toddler Diet Suddenly Acceptable?

Looks like the swine flu has begun affecting potential BCS teams. Colt McCoy was horrid on Saturday night against Texas Tech, mainly thanks to a pathetic first half. But it's OK, he had swine flu, just in the first half though. This is good for Texas fans who had to witness him overshoot his receivers as if he was trying to throw clay pigeons for them. Wait. (checks webmd) Swine flu creates no complications for your arm? Is this bastard trying to blame a horrible first half on this?

September 20, 2009

ESPN Fan Rankings Really Like UC Berkeley; USC Oddly Absent

Adding insult to injury, the voters of ESPNU's Fan Rankings have banished the Trojans from the top 25. They also have Cal at the four and six spots. Houston is above KU. I'll stop narrating so you can look at this SNAFU for yourself:

Houston?? Really???

USC INSIDER: Chris Galippo Feature Tease

Sorry, but I refuse to sacrifice my insight into the Trojans' program, despite the disheartening loss suffered (technically) yesterday. The article, in full, will appear after its publication in the game program against Wazzu this upcoming weekend.

Hopefully it will be a win. Hopefully you will enjoy. As a preview, here is the picture of the person featured in the feature.
Redundant? Yeah.
Entertaining? I fucking hope so.

Just look at that tongue. Jordan-esque? Abso-fucking-lutely. If you don't know Galippo, you will. He will blow up faster than the Hindenburg and Hiroshima combined.

Corp can only set us back so far. Barkley will lead us to the promise land, in spite of the heretic's attempts to set us back. Tebow is but only a symbol that can and will be demolished by the rest of the collegiate field, freshman or otherwise.

In Barkley We Trust. And an equally emphatic: FUCK AARON CORP.