MLB Playoffs suck NBA pre-season Dick

2:40 a.m., Saturday morning:

The Yankees are up 2-0. So are the Angels. To those collective teams...FUCK YOU. IF BILL O'REILLY HAD YOUR COLLECTIVE AIRTIME, GEORGE BUSH WOULD HAVE BEEN ELECTED TO A THIRD TERM.

Okay, let's simmer down now. Like Donna Summer's name read backwards in a phone book. FAST. If you don't get it, GO BACK TO IDAHO STATE, you potato-farming ASSHAT.

DIGRESSIONS. I saw an NBA game tonight. Tonight = Oct. Ninth. Here are pictures from THE FORUM. What's THE FORUM, you say? It's.......It's an enlarged middle finger to your face if that question left your mouth or mind. LEARN SOME BASKETBALL. THEN LEARN SOME MORE. THEN ASK THAT FAGGOTY PREGUNTA.
Here are the highlights:

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 6

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
 
Wilt has finally suffered his first loss of the season (now talking in third person). It was a trick game, one where the race or sexual deviation of the quarterbacks meant nothing. This is why Wilt is here this week to build his rep back into the great profit he once was (still going third person). That's why this week we will look to the future, as the past left us nothing to desire (resumes normal writing style). Or in other words, last week's games were shitty, and no enticing story lines came out of it.

Perm-O-Meter Double-Dip: It's a Slow News Day

Thank god this blog isn't called "Schefter's Schlong," because that guy provides ESPN with video analysis like he's an indentured servant. And we'd have so many "Schlong-O-Meter" posts that our collective lives would go the way of John Clayton's career. WHERE IS INSIDE THE HUDDLE??

Anywho, Herm's back with the NFL Live crew (T. Wingo and M. Douchebag Schlerith) to discuss who's the better of the league's top wide receivers - Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. This is like asking if you'd rather fuck Ashley Tisdale or Audrina Patridge. See? We're not the only ones who are desperately burrowing for sports news. View:

Perm-O-Meter: Criticizing the Criticizer

Like a father watching his son hit a home run, or score the first touchdown of his career in the NFL, I proudly witnessed Herm Edwards realize his full potential as an analyst yesterday. His performance and spot-on analysis was Emmy-worthy. Yeah, go fuck yourself, Tina Fey.

Herm's topic: The outburst of criticism from Chargers' General Manager A.J. Smith, an old, wrinkly man who had the old, wrinkly balls to call his players "soft." Here's the video:

B(r)eak 'Em (Rules) Hawks

Look who can't get enough press. Tyshawn Taylor. Speculation out of Lawrence today states that we have ourselves another fuck up, to say it lightly.

On September 13th, Markieff Morris, forward for the #1 Jayhawks, had a little fender bender on 17th and Tennessee (only three blocks away from the school's bars, but that's beside the point). According to the police report, Markieff was driving former Kansas forward, and Lawrence resident, Scott Pollard's Tahoe.

Let that soak in a bit.

 And he had a 16 year old in the car after midnight.

SOAK IT IN!

Big FU to ESPN's Great John Hollinger

I recently got a letter from a reader asking:

What do you think about John Hollinger's PER ratings on ESPN?
-Imaji Nary (Buttphuck, Kansas)

Thanks for the question Imaji. I hear the weather down there is swampy and hot this time of year. Please use some protection, from the sun of course. To answer your question, No. I won't even comment on that. Anybody who sets up a ranking system where Andrew Bynum is listed as the eighth best player is either are from LA or doesn't know the term injury prone.

John used math to compile stats like a fucking junk yard, and then fancies it up with derivatives, sigmas and lamdas. It makes no sense. Especially when this person doesn't explain his scoring, or why the hell Greg Oden is ranked higher than Steve Nash, LaMarcus Aldridge and Carlos Boozer. So, to counter Hollinger's projections, I'll make up my own, stricly based on how badass, sexy, and awesome these players are.

#1-Lebron James- Yeah, go fuck your Chris Paul in the rectum Hollinger. Lebron is clearly the most talented, tooled, and badass player in the world, ever. This should go without saying, but for some reason I have to say it.

[INSERT NEGATIVE CLICHE]: Week 4

Rain on a parade.  The bitter pill.  Debbie Downer.  If you read my previous post, you may have gotten the impression I am all of these.  Well guess what?  Your impression is dead-on (though still not as good as Dave Coulier's Bullwinkle*).  I'm a ruiner, a spoiler, a poop.  When a couple tells me they're going to have a baby, I remind them that their current economic situation will put the baby behind a significant 8-ball that it won't ever be able to overcome, regardless of how many books they buy or how long the mother holds headphones playing Beethoven up to her engorged belly.  If I were around to hear a 19-year-old Mackenzie Phillips brag about fucking a rock star, I would have pointed out that the rock star was her dad (and even if he wasn't, he's not necessarily all that great of a catch).