October 31, 2009

Deadspin Loves Itself, and Herm Snatches Away the Vibrator

If, at any time, you visited Deadspin this week, there was a 167 percent chance that you read something about someone at ESPN fucking someone s/he shouldn't have. The other 32 percent was this. And Ted Williams, because why the fuck not, had to have a one-percent say. Figuratively and cryogenically, of course.

I really love Deadspin. My addiction to the site is like Ochocinco's thirst for attention: If shit doesn't happen daily, I'll drop the ball and wallow in self-pity like a five-year-old. So when we (Wilt and myself) broke the Chase Mejia story, expectations for notoriety were low. Like post-Palmer-ACL-expectations-low.

But then the Deadspin story hit - and logged more than 55,000 hits within 24 hours. As a result, we immediately had hopes for the elite "October: Fin." post. Aspirations as provocative as top-5 supremacy. Why? Because our assumption was that Deadspin couldn't possibly count every single separate ESPNHornDoggeryPost as uniquely separate. They were all about the same Bristol Bullshit.

Well, JesusUnholyStevePhillips'RuthlessCock, were we wrong.

October 30, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week "Fuck if I Care Anymore" /BASKETBALL RANKINGS WEEK

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
I can smell the FRESHly laid lacquer on the hardwood floor. The nylon, FRESHly forced from it's packaging. FRESH, glossy, latex paint still soothing my nostrils. The aftertaste of recently (synonym for FRESHly) ingested peyote still stinging my taste buds. All the signs pointing to a FRESH new basketball season. A time when people have no opposition to littering newspapers, and it is looked up upon to yell indoors. Also a time for me to gloat, as the polls came out yesterday and to no surprise, the best team in the country...

...Kansas. That's a familiar picture, and will be familiar again in April of 2010 as well. But, not to get too excited, let's just do a rundown of the top 25.

October 29, 2009

Brandon Meriweather had Fun in London

If you trudged through our live game blog of the Giants-Cards game last Sunday, you may or may not have clicked on the various links that Wilt and I tried to bludgeon you with. One in particular - a Bradon Meriweather postgame interview - was particularly amusing, however you'd have to watch about five minutes of video before arriving at Brandon's shining moment. This shining moment:

October 28, 2009

PermCast: Halloween Sex With Blake Griffin?

You know what your costume is? Well, we have gathered a few ideas such as this one to the right. Do you know who the top college basketball team in the nation is? We tell you that too. Fuck, we are just full of answers. For more answers and random tangents than a Calculus 115 class, check the brand new PermCast right below the jump. Go ahead, jump fucker.

The Majors are Looking for Neegroes?

What's this World Sear-ees tonight? Is it some sort of Sears ploy to push their hastily made Brett fucking Favre commercials on us? Oh, it's baseball. Who knew. Supposedly this so called entertainment, pins the Chase Utleys against the Nick Swisha Houses. Of course, for anyone not approximately 100 miles from the Atlantic Ocean, you have no stake in this. Congratulations baseball, no one gives a shit anymore. You just cemented that fact with a series between two teams that are a 10 dollar bus ticket away from each other. Well done. The best part of this whole thing is that we all know this was the plan all along.

Erin Calipari has a Superfan

As you may have read in a recent Wilt post, John Calipari isn't the most ethical recruiter. One of John's daughters, Erin, has been experiencing the wrath of an over-intrusive recruiter-of-sorts as well. Take a look at her Facebook status:

October 27, 2009

Larry Johnson Thinks Todd Haley is a Homo.

I was originally planning a blog about awesome NBA action tonight. Then this happened. Eh, whatever, it was gonna go something like this: blah blah blah LEBRON JAMES blah. So, instead of that, Larry Johnson will be supplying today's blog.

As a person who cheers/despises Kansas City sports, I am clearly credentialed enough to make an argument on Todd Haley and Larry Johnson. First comment of interest: Gay Joke. Of course, most have you heard the tweets about Larry talking trash on Haley's resume, but what some of you may have not read was how homophobic Larry is.

"think about a clever diss than that wit your fag pic. Christopher street boy. Is that what us east coast cats call u"

Obviously the gay community is outraged at this use of gay ass language, although I disagree with those homos. Look, have you seen a bundle of sticks before? No, well they look fucking gay, I might say, and it is an extremely harsh "diss" to call someone's picture a bundle of sticks. Larry was clearly trying to state that they guy's hair looked like a bunch of dried up branches. No harm there if you ask me. Although, if you are an arboreal enthusiast then I might understand your issue with Larry.

Clippers Karma Finally Hits Blake Griffin

Danny Manning's Michael Olowakandi's Blake Griffin's knees were fucked ever since the Clippers won the NBA lottery last spring, and everyone knew it. It's like being born into the Kennedy family lineage - sooner or later a tragic career (or life)-ending incident is going to strike. Although it's basically an accepted truth, it still sucks fat donkey dick when the moment actually occurs.

October 26, 2009

Antoine Walker is the Black Santa Claus

Although Antoine walker may be broke with regard to his financial situation, he is rich in kindness and generosity. Deadspin wrote earlier today about Walker's monetary woes, but with an unnecessarily negative tone to his circumstances. If you can circumvent the mocking nature of the post, you will find that Walker, unlike other athletes, went bankrupt on a spending spree of altruism:

"Teammates say he routinely picked up giant dinner tabs on the road or would hire limos to take everyone out on the town. According to his mother, at one point Walker was financially supporting seventy of his friends and relatives."

John Calipari, How I so Despise You.

I've been meaning to address this issue for a while now, but completely forgot as it was a friday story and the alcohol was calling. Now that it's back to the school week, I'm ready to put my full effort into it. Today's rant of furiosity: John Calipari.

October 25, 2009

LIVE BLOG: New York Lil' Mannings and Arizona Larry Fitzdreads

In the last six hours, I have spent a total of maybe 30 minutes not on this very couch that I am currently sitting on. In those six hours, there have been only two games on the Lawrence TV schedule. TWO. Kansas City and San Diego. A literal butt fuck, where even Latoelian Toelinson went for more than his season average, IN THE FIRST HALF. Phil Rivers had two bombs to Vincent Jackson, with coverage lightly splattered here and there, but mostly there.

The other game: Dallas and Atlanta. When a game like New Orleans and Miami is available, they give us this shit. Two boring ass teams and crap scores, like the Crayton return, and not a single punt off the score board. Although, it's hard to hit a scoreboard with a punt when both teams turn the ball over every down that isn't a score.

Sunday Afternoon Rehab Supplement

Welcome to SARS: a recap of the Saturday footballings that weren't contained by Wilt's disease mask. Because someone has to keep this asshole humble.