GHOST GIRLFRIEND: VIABLE OPTION

I'm still waiting for someone to release a screenshot (probably photoshopped, but at this point what's the difference) of Manti Te'o's Facebook page with his relationship status set to "it's complicated." By now you've likely heard the story, been perplexedly amused, acted aloof to at least one friend who hasn't seen Catfish, and tweeted a joke or two about Te'o being a loser/idiot/virgin (or combination of the three). I did, anyway.

Lennay Kekua giving Tyler Durden a blowjob

However, having a fake/online-only/ghost girlfriend isn't all bad. For one, they're free; no fancy dinners, extravagant gifts or expensive trips to Planned Parenthood for some Plan B. They don't get pissed when you forget to call/text or decide to watch porn instead of skyping them goodnight. They can have the perfect figure, a supermodel face, or even be bi-racial because WHO CARES YOU MADE THEM UP, FULL CREATIVE LICENSE.

I'm not saying that Te'o went about his dating life in the best manner, but I feel like there are worse options than dating a GHOSTLADY. So, without further ado, here are three examples:

Vincent Smith's recollection of Clowney's hit.

What you see above is the horrific incident that Michigan running back Vincent Smith went through. This is his story ...

PUSSIES

OH SHIT, GIANT KITTEN.

On Saturday, the Denver Broncos took a loss to the Ravens due to an overwhelming case of VAGINITIS. I was toying with putting a large vagina in the background of these two, but on second thought chose to put a kitten. Mostly because of how vulgar a giant vagina would look. Don't worry, I still made that photoshop. For my own edification, of course. *jerks off ferociously*

Lance Armstrong is going to retroactively not lie tonight?

I'm sorry for smoking pot before this picture

Tonight, Lance Armstrong is going to apologize for being a bad liar for the past however many years. And Oprah is doing it, for some reason. Is it on the O channel or something? I'm still a bit fuzzy on the details. Just had a blood transfusion. I'm breathing so well right now. I FELL LIKE A FUCKING FIGHTER JET ENGINE IN HUMAN FORM.

Anyways, I don't have an idea how they will long they will draw this apology out for, but my guess is that it's a 30 minute Oprah thing. I have no idea how they will fill that time. Probably with more apologies.