August 22, 2009

Baseball is Still Going on?

Hidden under all the drama of punted footballs ricocheting off scoreboards and Florida's unanimous number one ranking are the 31 points the Red Sox and Yankee's put up last night. Brad Penny lead the way for the Sox with 8 runs earned. Wait, runs are bad? Well Mike Bowden did even worse 'cuz he helped propel the Yankee's to 15 runs by allowing 7 more runs after Penny. 7 runs in 2 innings. Man, I thought Chin Ming Wang was bad at the beginning of the year. And the nuclear explosions aren't just being held on Friday night. Currently Boston has racked up 7 runs on 6 hits in 3 in 1/2 innings of play. And to think, the new Yankee stadium was the one that was giving hitters a helping hand. Hell, who needs football when baseball is acting like the early 2000's again? Nobody... except Brett fucking Farve.

August 21, 2009

BRETT FARVE, Sorry Caps Lock is a Bitch

Ugh. I can't believe what I'm doing right now. It's Friday night and instead of going out and drinking Brett Farve brain cells out of my head, I am stuck giving you a live blog about the aforementioned Farve. Of course, a $-76.35 balance in my bank account contributes to this, but don't feel bad for me. Feel good for my dad 'cuz he is in the Metrodome right now witnessing.....Jamaal Charles. Just let me wallow in my poor life. Hopefully this somber mood will make for an aggressive game log.

Holy Crap. Todd Haley's hat is redder than Miley Cyrus' cherry. Oh wait. Her imaginary cherry. This one is gonna be good.

First Quarter

14:44-With Vick back in the league, Cassel decided he needed to show the world he is the most dominant running quarterback in the world. 10 yards and a first down after breaking the pressure.

12:06-Know how I said Jamaal Charles earlier? Well, maybe I shouldn't have 'cuz he just took a spill behind the line and rolled the ball into the secondary. This is your 2009 Kansas City Chiefs. On comes the Vamp.

10:32-Brett has two horrendous throws, one of which was somehow caught by Percy Harvin, a yard short of the first down. Big balls Brad Childress throws Adrian Peterson out there for a 4th down play and Jared Page spikes into Peterson's waist 2 yards back. The Chiefs 2009 defense=Badass. Chiefs 2009 offensive line=permeable.

8:01-Did hell just freeze over, 'cuz Dwayne Bowe actually caught a ball that he was supposed to. Unfortunately, Cassel was 2 yards past the line of scrimmage on the toss. Somehow after the review though, the play still stood. If only these refs where reviewing Derrick Rose's SAT score, Memphis might have existed in 2008.

5:08-Farve has still missed every throw. 1-3 with no accuracy on any of them. 3rd down and 9 and Corey Mays runs free into Farve's chest. Probably not a good thing for an old man. I would be surprised if he was on the field next drive. Oh and that last 'pass' ended up half way to Bernard Berrian, making the vampire 1-4. I think you would be more accurate flicking the ball off your erected penis, than having Farve passing.

2:00-This has to be close to the 9th time Cassel has had less than 2 seconds to throw the ball. It's impossible for any one to make a read in those conditions and those conditions cause 4th down. Succop goes on and makes a field goal. Wow that's a first. Making field goals. You would think we are talking about the Giants not the Chiefs. 3-0 KC.

:15-Tavaris Jackson appears and shows off his run and throw ability, but 5 yards past the line of scrimmage. Refs don't miss this one. If I were a Minnesota fan I would be screaming racism. Or maybe "How fucking dumb are you Tavaris?."

Herm Spotting- Coors light employs some former frat fellas to ask Herm questions while Herm is in 2002 telling them that "you play to win the game. HELLO." His face at the end of this commercial is priceless.

Second Quarter

12:10-Haley has this offense moving now. And by moving I mean Cassel, 'cuz the line is so terrible that they can't have the 40 million dollar man sitting in the pocket. Overall though, Cassel is making solid passes, unfortunately they all have to be on the run.

11:02-Dwayne Bowe continues to mesmerize everyone with his second and third catch, one of which was for a touchdown. Not to mention, he blocked down field for a 16 yard run. Maybe I don't hate him anymore. Or maybe Haley is that good of a wide receivers coach. 10-0 Chiefs.

9:52-Adrian Peterson is still good. Just in case you were wondering whether or not to draft him #1. He dragged Brandon Flowers for 8 yards. Then went on the other side of the field and dragged Derrick Johnson for 3. The man is unstoppable. Thank god it's not an Oklahoma game 'cuz it would be that damn fight song every two fucking plays. Someone just needs to shoot one of the trumpet players in the band every time the song starts. I imagine they would stop if they were getting Virginia Tech-ed. This is not what I should be talking about. As you can tell it's a pre-season game.

5:24-The Chiefs running defense has become softer than Vanessa Hudgen's breasts. I'll just link it for you so you don't catch any viruses. HERE. NSFW. The Vikings are penetrating into the red zone. Hitting the Chiefs below the belt, if you know what I mean...Oh who am I kidding your still looking at the picture.

2:18-Tavaris rolls out and tosses the ball like he tosses salad and Vincanthe Shiancoe receives the touchdown pass. Wait, that makes no sense. 10-7 Chiefs.

:47-Dustin Colquitt bombs a punt within the 10. Impressive enough for me to say he is the Chiefs most talented player at their position this year. Especially with the trade of Tony Gonzalez. And now, with this live blog reaching the point where I am complimenting the punter, it's clearly time for me to quit. Plus, the starters are done, and only the family of the players on the field care right now. The only thing we can take from the first half is that Brett Farve is worse than both of his backups. So, an 82 ranking on Madden 10 might be just a bit of an overstatement. Especially at age 39.

August 20, 2009

Patriots-Bengals Live Blog(?)

This will be an abbreviated live blog for two reasons:

1. The NFL Network is only offering a brief live look once the game starts. I'm assuming they'll stick around long enough for a few Brady series.

2. I'm in Las Vegas for the night. Despite my intense Patriots fanship, I'm not retarded enough to spend the evening watching Matt Gutierrez Kevin O'Connell from my hotel room.

Plaxico Burress has been the primary talking point on the NFL network pregame show. I might feel bad for him, if this wasn't a perfect example of Karma. God doesn't like it when you ruin perfection. Neither do I. Enjoy your two years behind bars for the most laughable crime in recent history.

NFL Network shows a commercial with Jim Zorn speaking on consistency and success. This is about as reliable as Billy Mays doing an infomercial about sobriety.

4:40 - Okay, we're going live. It's 10 minutes past the 4:30 PST kickoff, so I have to assume the Bengals are receiving. No Palmer means no interest. I'm not complaining, I'd rather watch commercials than the Bungles without Carson. That's not a typo.

4:47 - We're now 17 minutes past the bottom of the hour, still no live-game jump by the NFL Network. I'm hitting the blackjack tables if the game isn't on by 5 p.m. Time is money, and if I'm not losing it on the casino floor, I'm sure as hell not losing it with Rod Woodson, Fran Charles and Jamie Dukes.

4:48 - Oh, Christ. John Madden interview. John Madden just took credit for starting the Madden video game - before video games existed. The creators of Space Invaders are vomiting in their mouths right now.

4:53 - Madden defends Favre's decision to play. The sun rises and sets. Shocker.

4:55 - Interview over! Charles teases a Pats-Bengals live look-in. Commercials. Agonizingly dull commercials by Dominoes, Taco Bell and Tire Rack. Gisele's tire rack.

5:00 - Are you fucking kidding me? Charles explains that there will be no live look-in because the Pats game went to commercial while, simultaneously, The Network went to commercial. This is by far the worst live blog ever. I sincerely apologize. Herm apologizes.

5:01 - Not all is lost - NFL Network feature on the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!

...Wait a tick...I'm in Vegas. Fuck this. I'm going to a titty bar.

Thanks for playing, viewers!

What?! No Word Yet from Erin Calipari

So, as many college fans have also found out today, Memphis was hit with some fire from the NCAA today. According to them, Memphis failed to exist in 2008, joining the '96 UMASS team in the black hole of college sports seasons. But wait. There was something familiar about these two instances. Was it the the fact that they are both mid-major? No. Hmmm. Was it the lack of white people? Absolutely not. UMASS is stacked with white folks. Damn what was that one common denominator?
Oh yeah, John Calipari. The man with the Don Draper salesman hairstyle. The one that took two different mid-major teams to the final four, only to have those teams erased from existence. The one that currently resides at the winning-est basketball school in America. Yeah, that John Calipari.

Yet, Calipari goes entirely unharmed throughout all the allegations. Either he is the best cover up man since Antonio Pierce, or the NCAA is afraid to sanction a coach at one of the most important basketball schools in the nation. Either way he must be locked up. Restricted from the land of 21 ft. three pointers. He brings out what we all hate in college basketball, which is Italians.

Also, on a semi-side note, Erin Calipari usually has a witty response to accusations about her dad and right now she is silent. I'm watching and waiting and praying for that status update.

August 19, 2009

Somebody - Anybody - Let These Kids Carry On

About one month ago ESPN aired a fantastic feature story about two inseparable wrestlers who each persevered through adverse physical setbacks. It portrayed an eerily similar true version of Freak the Mighty, and happened to be the last time I almost cried.

Actually, no. District 9 takes credit for that. Peter Jackson is better than Pixar at humanizing creatures that you otherwise would not hesitate to blast in the head with a 12-gauge.

If you haven't seen this yet, I refuse to summarize the story. I would be doing it an incredible injustice. Here's the video:

Now that you've gone through half a box of Kleenex, let's address the real issue at hand. They've both received letters of acceptance to continue their educations, but it's unclear whether they'll be able to afford it.

Sorry, give me a second to clean the twenty-dollar bills that seem to have clogged my ears.

They've both received letters of acceptance to continue their educations, but it's unclear whether they'll be able to afford it.

I feel guilty just reading that. Even if I should feel lucky because I've been given the opportunity to attend a fantastic university, I don't. This story doesn't have to end in bittersweet, as Freak did. These two earned a collegiate education, so why the hell aren't they getting one?

The problem here lies in the college admissions process – it’s all about numbers, and foolishly overlooks character. Dartanyon and Leroy may not be the brightest bulbs in the room, but damn if they don't work the hardest to outshine the rest of 'em.

If you’re in college, then chances are that you know at least one person who’s there because his parents wouldn’t bat an eyelash at a $200,000 tuition bill. He’d much rather stay home and play Madden, but going to college guarantees the most direct route to Mommy and Daddy’s trust fund. "Hey, I’ll just skate by on a 1.9 GPA, drink, fuck and sleep for the next four years. I’ll be completely capable of making sure $2 million doesn’t disappear faster than a pile of coke on Bobby Brown’s coffee table."

And is Bernie Madoff running the Free Application for Federal Student Aid from his jail cell? Leroy’s house looks like an oversized, dilapidated Link-N-Logs set, and Dartanyon…well Dartanyon doesn’t have a house. Or parents. How can anyone with half a brain justify withholding a full-ride for these two? Oh, right. FAFSA's actuaries struggle to justify giving full-rides to malnourished Ethiopians. Nevermind.

It's not completely FAFSA's fault, either - every school has a department that runs its financial aid office. Do you know who works in these departments? My assumption, based on the tactics they use to cut financial aid packages like a lipo doctor on Rosie O'Donnel, is that they're all former health insurance workers. They'll do anything to save their organization money, even if that means emaciating financial aid packages to the point where the student can't pay to attend. Makes sense, don't it?

If there's a school out there that's seen this story - I know for a fact that Pete Carroll has (he Facebooked about using the video as inspiration to the football team), and I'm somewhat disappointed that he hasn't lobbied harder to convince USC to accomodate them - give these kids a shot. At first glance, it's great PR. In reality, it's way more than that. It's poetic justice. It's the only ending that this story deserves.

August 18, 2009

Permcast Part Dos: Unqualified Quarterbacks, Mike Vick's Cats and Our First Special Guest

You're trapped in a shitbox Nissan Altima, making the cross country trek back to college. The backseat is so crammed with suitcases, pillows, bedsheets and debt that you must assume the fetal position to fit. Salvation comes in the form of the radio, but it broadcasts only two stations: Country and Brett Favre. There's no gun. What do you do?

I don't fucking care. Listen to Permcast dos. Maybe it will tell you.

This week's guest: Blair Kelley. He's a Hardass.

Well, ESPN Now has Some New Programing

Poor Tavaris Jackson. The kid was showing so much promise. He was only a few more snaps away from becoming a legend. If only he could hit his receivers as well as he does the turf, the Vikings would have been set. But of course, the dead have risen again. Brett fucking Farve, quite possibly his middle name by now, has caused more commotion in his years of flip-flop retirement than the entire Bush administration.
He's back again and at this point has lost all speaking credibility. Even if Brett were to tell me he eats bagels in the morning to the tune of Bruce Springsteen, I wouldn't believe him. In fact, I don't even believe he wanted to come back for football. He just wasn't happy being out of the spotlight. Of course now this is a huge story for ESPN, who already has a 3 o'clock "Outside the Lines" special set up, almost as if they were expecting it.

Since I'm in the mood to speculate today, it would almost appear that Brett is working for ESPN. The leaders in Bristol probably realized they were losing their audiences when the top story was a college baseball player signing with the least recognizable team in the league. That's when they grabbed the hotline to Brett Farve. Now it's chaos.

The power begins to shift to the NFC north, where there are three new quarterbacks. The conference is becoming a neck and neck race for the title, well excluding the Simbas. Chicago's and Green Bay's only shot now is to start wielding stakes to put through Farve's heart. Cause then and only then will the demon be defeated. Or maybe have his "on the side" girlfriend pull a murder suicide. Seems to be popular these days.

KU's Alcoholism has Gone Far Enough!

Junior basketball guard Chase Buford's impact on the basketball court may be minimal, but his actions this past July are impacting the livers of his thousands of classmates.

Okay, that might be a little presumptuous. I've taken Alcohol Edu twice. Two more times than all of you whining KU students. So shove it. You will never get those four to five hours of your life back. It's not AA, but it sure damn feels like it.

If you want to make the best of this, take a shot every time you have to sit through one of those two-minute videos where the kids bash the Jesus juice and pretend like a sober collegiate experience is a realistic scenario.

August 17, 2009

Stras-full Negotiations

Let's look at the Nationals 2009 stat line. 43-75 record on pace to lose 100 games. Dead last in the National League in ERA, batting average against, OPS, WHIP and quality starts. It's ok though. Don't worry yourselves DC fans, 'cuz you drafted the surest thing since....ever. Yet, the Nationals management has so far failed in signing the guy, who was drafted in early June, and today is the deadline for the Nats to sign him.

Forget that fact that waiting two and a half months to sign him keeps him off the field for that long. Also forget that Strasburg, would potentially be Opening Day material for Washington next year with the three months of minor league experience under his belt. None of this matters 'cuz right now, it doesn't look optimistic for Washington fans who had their guy opt out last year.

The fact the DC isn't throwing a multiple millions at the kid is completely unreasonable. What do that Nationals have to loose? They are absolutely abysmal in every single starting pitching category and Strasburg would improve the team right away.

Honestly, how many people could name the Nats' starters this year? I know I couldn't without the help of ESPN. Infact I couldn't give you a single name. John Lannan, Craig Stammen, Garett Mock, J.D. Martin, and Collin Balester. Any of those sound familiar? Sure don't to me. I almost wonder if the Nationals just pick their starting pitchers by whether they have double, adjacent consonants in their names. Lannan, Stammen, Garett, Collin. I would almost bet that more people know who Strasburg is, and he hasn't spent a day in the majors.

So, If the Nationals were to sign anyone this offseason, this is the guy. Money should not be an issue. Getting this guy on the field ASAP should be the issue, and clearly that's not the case for DC. I pray to god that they sign them, just for the 3 fans that are still loyal. But, then again, the Royals might have the top pick next year.