October 17, 2009

Late Night in the Phog

The phog was thick, as were the cheerleaders and Jayhawk dancers. So, to satisfy your thirst for poorly taken pictures, here are a few Phog-ed out photos (see what I did there). They're so phat.

They handed out glow sticks and a cap of X

October 16, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 7/ Preseason

 This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

Tonight is opening of college basketball in Lawrence, KS. It's the famous Late Night in the Phog. Headlining, a boxing match up between the football teams and basketball teams, as well as a drunk driving challenge between Brady Morningstar and Chase Buford (may or may not be real).

This begining of the basketball season means two things. First, is that Kansas will be the top school in the nation, and one of the only two that have ranked football and basketball teams. Second is that Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse will begin lacing basketball in to football like cocaine into cookie dough. Sure, cookies are good by themselves, but wouldn't you want to have chocolate chip cookies that numb up your entire mouth? ABSOLUTELY. So, that's what your getting here, the tasty deliciousness of recently cooked college football with the dopamine levels of college basketball. So enjoy the brand new fresh batch of FASA (with brand new LOGO).

October 15, 2009

Missing Your JP Losman Fix?

After watching the ridiculously exciting US soccer match against Puerto Rico (yeah fuck you self-governing unincorporated territory of the United States), I began my nightly channel surfing of the HD stations, hoping to find something to pass the time before I pound 10 Ambien and go to bed. I was expecting to land on an episode of Mythbusters, or maybe stumble upon a late night showing of Pulp Fiction. What I didn't expect was finding JP Losman and Jim Haslett in HD.

Where, you might ask, is JP Losman still employed, in a setting not involving fried potatoes and mayonnaise? The great UFL. United Football League. A place where fallen head coaches try to recover some semblance of respect, while actually looking more washed up than Samoa.

October 14, 2009

Fat, Ugly Tennessean Bitch Suggests Worthless Titans Turnaround Strategy

So I got this story from Deadspin. What the fuck is new. It's about the NFL. Let's dive in like a Michael Phelps relay.

The rationale here is that a "cuddle sesh" will be the key to a Titans turnaround because...

Wait for it...

...Nothing else is working. Well, fat columnist Sally Strothers, I beg to differ. In fact, I'll make a fucking list of alternative explanations:

October 13, 2009

What Can Brown Do For You?

Let's take a trip back in the past, all the way back to August when the '09 Yahoo league 552357 held it's fantasy draft. Wilt, sitting with the second pick, buried in a stack of statistical information. AP has to be going one, he obviously thought, as the seconds dripped down to the 7 p.m. draft start. The fuck is the second guy supposed to do?  Searching through the ranks of running backs, he decides it would be between Mo Jo and Michael Turner. Neither caught his fancy as the clock began to roll on the draft with Greatones sitting with the top pick. A minute passes by, as Wilt continues to assume AP will be off the board, seconds left......#1 Pick: LARRY FITZGERALD.

Flash forward to this weekend, where I take on the braindead soul of Greatones in week five of the Next Level league. Sitting at 3-1 Plaxico's Sweatpants (my team) has a large lead ahead of the third place team and only a loss behind the top squad. Greatones: dead last. The projections have the Sweats favored by 20. Deciding to have some fun with the mentally hadicaped Greatones, I combine the nordic trio Brett Farve, Sidney Rice, and my crown jewel Adrian's Peterson (leaving Donovan McNabb's 31 on the bench)

Sunday moves along smoothly, with no hiccup in the first slate of games, where AP goes for a modest 18 along with a combined 19 from Brett Rice.  Cedric Benson leads my squad with a 21 pointer to give me a solid 15 point lead heading into the late games. 

Junior Seau is like Brett Favre, but Less Douchey

Casting aside the unnecessary media frenzy and John Kerry-like flip-flopping, Junior Seau is un-retiring (or "graduating," as he calls it) for the umpteenth time. Straight up.

Seau, known for his world-famous piggyback rides, obliges for an Abigail Breslin look-alike

Seau returns, as he seemingly does every year, to provide the Patriot's defense intangibles like old age (experience), a USC presence (winner's mentality) and a never-quit attitude (third un-retiring). In no way is this a reactionary move by the Pats after being torched for 330 yards by the formidable Kyle Orton.

October 12, 2009

Don Draper Selling Tactics

Promiscuous secretary walks in: Don, the Browns are here to see you.

Don: (Puts out cigarette, spins chair away from window, stands abruptly as he buttons his coat) Bring 'em in.

Pete Campbell: (pops head in office) hey Don can I..

Don: Get out Campbell!

(Pete leaves as the Browns organization walks in)

Mr. Kokins. Mr. Savage. Please, have a seat..(8 second pause)...Did Cosgrove show you a good time last night?

October 11, 2009

Baseball is the Lone Highlight of my Weekend? Shit.

From a strictly gridiron-centric perspective, today's been quite the downer. My Beloved Patriots lost to the perplexingly undefeated Broncos, and the Chiefs' (Wilt's squad) futile efforts to justify Matty Cassel's $63 million contract came up just short. Again. I was wondering how Oakland managed a win this year. Oh, and there was also this:

Even more mind-boggling is the ongoing criticism of JaMarcus Russell, when shit like this is happening: