August 15, 2009

Just More Chances to Catch Swine Flu

Imagine spending a week training against an opponent, struggling to sleep while thinking about their 3-4 defensive scheme, and relentless 300 pound defensive tackle. Then at practice, the coach begins blurting out inappropriate sexual content involving the other team's starting wide receiver and a sheep. Signs litter the streets of your campus urging you and your team to 'murder' the opposing team. On game day, what thoughts are gonna be running through your mind when you walk out of that locker room? "I need to break at least one knee" or maybe "I need my best for this game," but probably not "I can't wait to shake hands and meet theses guys."

Well, college football players, get ready to change your state of mind 'cuz you're shaking hands before the game. Yes, everyone, even you Tebow, get to swap slaps with all 60+ players on the opposing team. Just as the teams are entering the field from the locker room we will see an ugly showing of forced sportsmanship. The lack of sportsmanship in college football is what makes most fans so interested in the sport. The rivalries between people, cities and states are what makes the sport so intense. Now, as fans, we are forced to sit through players making good with the other team.

I would be upset, but the more I think about Georgia and Florida shaking hands with each other, the more I think this could get interesting. All it could take is a, "your mascot is a bitch" comment from the Fla place kicker and a brawl would ignite. So, maybe this could be an exciting new addition to the sport. Although, since the hand shaking ordinance was enacted to combat poor sportsmanship, I'm afraid we will be left with a long 30 min line dance at midfield before every game. I guess I'll just have to head up to the stadium 30 min earlier, so I can get 30 more min of shotgunning in, to pregame the pregame. This way I can shout obscenities and supply the unsportsmanlike surrounding. Watch out children.

Perm-O-Meter: Herm Plays it Safe. What's New.

Herm Edwards continues to be the ESPN go-to-guy for Michael Vick analysis. Probably because of his reputation as an offensive guru as a coach. Definitely not because he's a minority or kind of looks like Vick's guardian angel, Tony Dungy.

Here's the video of his riveting discussion with Brian Kenny:



Okay, lets recap.

Brian Kenny: What should the Eagles do with Vick?
Herm: No one knows at this point. Andy Reid has to figure it out.

I love you Herm. I really do. And I'm pulling for you as an NFL analyst. But this isn't a press conference. Don't skirt around the answer like your job is on the line. It's not. You're Herm Fucking Edwards.

BK: Former Falcon teammate Brian Finneran says that Vick can throw 65 yards and wants to take the ball under center. Should he play quarterback?
HE:
He should play at the quarterback position. It's like when Muhammad Ali left boxing for three years and wasn't the same guy when he came back. We have to see where his skills are.


First of all, why the fuck is Brian Finneran the best person available to lend his opinion to this question? What about Alge Crumpler? Warrick Dunn? You're interviewing Herm Edwards, at least quote a damn Pro-Bowler.

Herm responds with a respectable answer, although the Ali comparison might raise a few eyebrows. Vick is still a quarterback, but his passing skills will determine whether he's used for an entire series, or just a few select plays in Wildcat-like formations.

BK: Let's say his skills are all there. He's the same 'ol Vick. The Eagles still have Donovan McNabb.
HE: With 65-70 plays in your offensive package, you can have about eight for Michael Vick.

Again, quality insight from a coach's perspective. But only eight of those for Vick? If the Eagles are paying $1.6 million for Vick to play in ten games (remember, he's suspended for the first six), I'd hope they draw up more than eight for him.

BK: On a sidenote, Cincinatti also made an offer in the Michael Vick auction.

What?? Noooooooo! How could HBO let this (not) happen!! Can you imagine the ratings for "Hard Knocks" if Mike Vick suddenly made a season-long guest appearance? I'm legitimately upset. 2.5 Perms for Mr. Edwards.

August 14, 2009

Broncos Training Camp Gets Exciting

If you were wondering what the worst trade of the decade has been, you don't have to look too far in the past. In fact, it was just decided tonight as Kyle Orton propelled himself to the top with worst first showing of the past decade.

In tonight's preseason game, I repeat PRESEASON game, he tossed up two less picks than that of Jake Delhomme in last years NFC championship. For all of you who don't remember, Delhomme threw five interceptions. Keep in mind he was playing for the NFC championship....oh yeah...and he played the entire goddamn game. Orton played two quarters, one of which was against reserves from the 49ers. the FORTY FUCKING NINERS.

Looks like Josh McDaniels has an open spot at the quarterback position. Do you think Steve McNair is feeling a come back?.....He's WHAT?! How 'bout Jeff George?

The Wait is Over: Welcome to the Permcast

Oh, Jesus. Put your dicks away. I know you're not that excited.

For the amount of work that it took to just get this damn thing finished, maybe you should be. Berf and I are first-time podcasters, so it took a reasonable four tries, two computers and one Michael Vick signing to get this thing rolled out.

Our initial intention was to have this be a preview to the Patriots' and Chiefs' respective first games. Instead, it's one recap and one preview. But don't expect us to stay on one topic for more than a minute and a half. We're children of the overstimulated/ADD era. There are more digressions than an episode of Family Guy.

Future podcasts will hopefully include guests. We're working on an appearance from Rachel Nichols next week, but we'll settle for Rachel Dratch.

video

August 13, 2009

Debut of the Perm-O-Meter: Sportcenter, Aug. 13

So, as you all know, Mike Vick is getting a shot in Philly and Herm has a few words for him and the Eagles tonight. He seems much too excited, smiling and licking his lips as Sal Palantonio sets up his argument. He might just be thinking of how he could have used Brody Croyle more effectivly, and then, as the camera switched to him, realized Brody Croyle's actual abilities. Herm states that he wants Mike Vick (PETA's antagonist) to move around on the offense and be a threat in different postions. That's obvious 'cuz he couldn't play quarterback before his stay in Leavenworth, KS, so there is no way he is jacking McNabb's position. He's also settling the Philly fans down, letting them know that he doesn't have to play - just get back to the real world, and then into football form. Overall, a solid Hermiview, but it's extremely easy to do an interview with Sal Pali so he gets a 3/4 perm-formance.

Like the Grinch on Christmas, Philadelphia's Heart Quintuples in Size, Opens its Arms to Mike Vick


Michael Vick has signed a two-year deal to play in the most hateful sports city in America. Go easy on him, Philly. As the news broke during the Monday Night Football telecast, Ron Jaworski immediately established his conviction that this will piss off Donovan McNabb.

Jaws, you fucknut. You wonder why Chris Mortenson got his own bus instead of you? The only teams Vick would possibly play quarterback for are the Bay Area abominations.

On a side note, I'm actually pretty shocked Al Davis didn't scoop him up. Maybe because his dimentia continuously caused him to forget Vick existed altogether.

Let's put aside the fact that Jaws' predisposed dislike for the pickup is only because he doesn't want Vick's past tainting the reputation of his former team. McNabb has proven that he's the only player who can evict himself from the starting job. Andy Reid knows better than to start a quarterback controversy this close to week one. Vick will be a receiver, tailback, Wildcat formation option and possibly a special teams contributor. That's it.

Mike, I wish you the best of luck. I'm excited to see you back in uniform. Kill 'em, dawg.

Er...

Lame Shane, So Fucking Lame

So, If you haven't heard, Shane Victorino has filed a police report on the incident last night when a Cubs fan 'deliberately' tossed a full beer on Shane's head while camping under fly ball. First of all, what is this guy thinking? It's a full beer and we all know those prices. Plus, the Cubs were already being spread by 10 runs. All I can think was that it was a complete accident and he was over the limit and thought "I'm so fucking druuuuuunkkk!, Pete watch how far I can throw this....PETE WATCH!"

Secondly, why does Victorino care? He caught the ball, and thanks to the added difficulty, will probably earn his second gold glove thanks to to play. Shane should almost be thanking the guy, not charging him.

Third of all, how good was that toss? I mean seriously he nailed a moving Victorino directly in the forehead with a beer. Half the players on the field wouldn't be able to make that throw, more or less a drunk Cubs fan. Hey the White Sox could use another outfielder. Sign his ass up.

Goodell Takes Away a Year of Donte’ Stallworth’s Playing Time, Gas Money


NFL commissioner Roger Goodell finally ruled on Donte’ Stallworth’s itsy-bitsy uh-oh, which happened to result in a man’s death. Stallworth will be suspended without pay for the entire 2009 season. This gives him plenty of time to take nice long walks on the beach, reflect upon his life and possibly receive a visit from Karma.

In his letter to Stallworth, Goodell condemns him for staining the reputation of the league and its players.

Just like Mario Reyes stained Stallworth’s $400,000 whip. Douchebag.


ESPN: Donte' Stallworthsuspended without pay for 2009 season

High School Player Bypasses College, Rewarded by Jews


This just isn’t Rick Pitino’s week.

Or maybe Jeremy Tyler is a sadist.

Either way, Tyler, a rising senior at San Diego High, de-committed from Louisville this past spring in favor of money and matzo ball soup. Although Tyler's de-commitment is old news to Pitino, it serves as a friendly reminder that he will have one less five-star recruit in 2010.
By signing with the Maccabi Haifa, a team in the Israeli Premier League, Tyler becomes the first American underclassmen to join a foreign pro team in lieu of playing NCAA ball.

His reason for flying the coup early? The typical teenager excuse: Boredom.

I love it. The “at least 19 years old and one year removed from high school” rule is bullshit, not to mention employment discrimination. I can’t honestly think of a better way to stick it to the NBA’s Jewmissioner. Mazel Tov, young man.

August 11, 2009

Sexism, objectification and misogyny: everything you expect from a WNBA game blog

Editors note: Kyle Berthusen is not a misogynist, nor does he support the degradation of women. He's a die-hard member of the Martha Stewart Fan Club and has been an O Magazine subscriber since 2002. He also has his very own Mother.

Looks like the WNBA is gonna double it's viewership tonight, because I'm about to blog this game away. I'm not sure how to do this - whether to display the players names or just stick to numbers to make things easier. I'll try names and if it works out then we can celebrate with a pint your favorite liquor. Gin? Why the fuck not. Well anyways, this is in HD so we will be witnessing Candace Parker's post prego body in full quality. Anyways...LET'S SEE SOME TITTIES!
1st quarter

The Staples Center is packed. There has to be like 5000 people there. PFFT, what recession?

9:39-It's rough from the get-go as the Sparks brick a lay-up and the ball bounces between babes until a couple sweaty ladies grasp it, causing a tie up. This is my kind of sport.

9:34-First cat fight. Just kidding, although Lisa Leslie gave a pretty good elbow to Tiffany Jackson to give us our first nose bleed of the game. Still tied up at nil.

8:53-Well this is nothing like the NBA. They just called palming. Chris Paul probably doesn't even know what that term means. He probably just thinks it's a term used in the porn industry. Tied at 2

7:01-Essence Carson gets the steal and gallops down court only to brick a layup. Just like their stereotype, neither of these teams seem to be able to finish. Not a good thing in bed and it's even worse for the basketball court 'cuz you can't fake a layup. 4-2 Liberty.

3:25-It's already getting pathetic. I've seen at least 8 air-ball passes and the shooting percentage is somewhere around 30 percent. And as I type this, NY hits a trey, oh and so does LA. You're welcome WNBA fans. My jinx is pretty impressive. 7-9 Sparks

:44-LA is heating up, and i don't mean in a sexual way. I mean that just made four shots in a row, three of which were triples. You can just feel the intensity from the crowd. I think a hobo just stood up. Oh, no, he was just pissing in his chair. 12-17 Sparks

2nd Quarter


6:45-The Liberty are shooting 29 percent from the floor as they miss another three. This is hard to watch, even if Candace Parker is playing. I was wondering, though, if the players that are on their periods, do they play better than the players who are not? And if so, does this contribute to how the lineup is put together? Also, if this is the case, then I want statistics, and Buster Olney to portray them on Sportcenter. 16-22 Sparks.

5:16-Laurie Moore was fouled on a three, but it wasn't called and now she is bitching to the ref. This makes for an easy insult 'cuz I can just say "Quit bitching, bitch" and it still pertains. Where as in male basketball, I have to invent some ridiculous insult like "Quit being a turtle bj".

3:12-First foul of the game. On Candace Parker, and this is bull shit. If she fouls out I'm gonna buy an Amtrack ticket to LA and strangle all 15 people at the game. She's the only reason I'm still conscious.

Halftime-Well, we got here. I still haven't tried to suffocate myself yet, so that's a positive. The worst part really isn't the play, but the announcing. At one point they were conversing more about the song that was playing than the game. I still have another 20 min left too. The score at half is 33-37 LA, if anyone even cares. Oh and I just checked the ESPN.com conversation for this game. Four comments and all of them about Candace Parker. The woman is single-handedly keeping the WNBA alive.

3rd Quarter

The Liberty coach's name is Anne Donovan. I'm interested to know if she is Billy D's wife. If so, he would be very unsatisfied with her coaching. Then again she would also be very disappointed with his coaching. Bet he wishes he was in Orlando now.

9:04- Candace makes the box score with her first rebound. It's OK 'cuz she is good looking. If Lisa Leslie were to fail in the first half I would laugh. Then cry 'cuz that would mean I actually give a shit about what is going on.

6:16- There is a woman referee. This is absurd. I don't trust their judgment while driving, let alone officiating anything. She just called two offensive fouls, one of which was on CP. I'm not happy.

Commercial-I wonder if Rosetta Stone teaches you how to say "Can I eat your pussy out!" in Mandarin Chinese. So useful when hanging with Chinese gymnasts.

4:02-Second bloody nose of the night. the elbows are on target more than the shots are tonight.

1:13-You would think, considering ladies can't jump, that they would look to improve their footwork, but so far it looks like zombies are trying to get a jump shot off. Zombies with awkward physiques of man shoulders and wide hips. 51-50 New York.

4th Quarter

Billy Donovan totally appreciated that half from Anne. Still haven't decided if she is his wife. Wikipedia doesn't seem to help.

9:03-The Liberty bench players are more excited than Ronny Turiaf. Their pants keep falling off, unfortunately they are only disguising a pair of shorts. Also, too bad They're not a group of Eva Mendezs on the bench.

4:58-Candace just hit the free throw stripe for the first time. It seems to look like she hasn't lost her body too much. This is really shallow. I'm going to start drinking. 63-56 New York.

2:53-Another horrid call by the female ref. One of the NY ladies was chasing a rebound and was bulldozed out of bounds. Guess who's got the ball? Yep, the Sparks. I'm near buzzed. hopefully I will forget this whole night.

65-61 is the outcome of this loss of two hours of my life. The Liberty were victorious but they still only shot 42%. The Sparks put up 34% shooting. I'm done doing women, forever. This has ruined the gender for me. Oh that came out wrong. Whatever, just know when you go to sleep that the WNBA probably wont be around by 2010.

ESPN PICKS JAYHAWKS AS 2009 NCAA FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPS!!!1

As if ESPN had its ear to Herm's Perm all the while, it boldly agrees with our own Kyle Berthusen that KU is not only deserving of a top-25 ranking, but they're taking the whole dang kit-n-kaboodle!

Oh, wait...
ESPN, you cocktease.
Sorry, Berf. At least they don't have you in the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl (featuring a halftime duet with Elton John and Melissa Etheridge).

Tri-Cycle

As I was gorging myself in some Sportscenter, I realized there hadn't been a cycle hit in a whole WEEK. Then all of a sudden Troy Tulowitzki came along and blew that thought away, which lead to my new thought. Who has hit for the cycle in life and sports?

Sheldon Williams- This guy hit a grand slam with his allotted home run by somehow getting married to Candace Parker. The fact that she would even get naked for that face astonishes me, yet they have a kid now. The man hit a triple by going to Duke where every black player gets overrated while surrounded by athletically challenged honkies. Doubled in the draft where he went fifth overall to the Hawks. He has been singling ever since, laying low on the depth charts and accumulating easy earned cash, which he can use towards diapers. Or maybe a child's basketball hoop so that their daughter can become the next....uh....Candace Parker?

Donte Stallworth- He hit a homer with the Florida Judges. He tripled 10 days sentencing in jail. He contested his jail sentence, got out early and is going for a double by trying to shorten his house arrest sentencing. Lastly, he hit a single human being, stranding him in the road deader than Billy Mays. Congratulations Donte! You've lost all respect from every person on the planet. Let's give him a round of applause.

Barry Bonds-You hit a shitload of homers and failed to get a cycle. But, you know what, in my book you did. Look, You were America's next great baseball star. The abilities to be a 5 tool athlete and the potential to be the best since Willie Mays. Instead, you chose steroids. Barry hated the media, and was a clubhouse problem with Jeff Kent, which constitutes a single in my book. He has been out of a job for double what Pedro has been. He tripled the stats of the average slugger in 2003 with 72 bombs. To cap it all off, he's denied every claim of steroid use even though his temper towards the media increased, with his home run statistics, thanks to 'roid rage.

Green Man.

August 10, 2009

Dear Baseball, Go Die.



Six years ago, this would have been the happiest day of my life. A four-game sweep of the Red Sox, culminated by an exciting late-inning comeback in the final game to push the Yankees’ AL East lead to six and a half. It would have been more euphoric than chugging a gallon of morphine.

Instead, it’s just another Monday.

Six years ago, I would have loved to spend my Sunday night listening to Joe Morgan and Jon Miller drone on about the storied rivalry between my beloved Yanks and the goddamned Sawx.

Now, I fall asleep halfway through the Titans-Bills preseason game.

My feelings toward the Yankees – and baseball – have grown skeptical, distrusting and downright curmudgeon-y. I’ve resorted to watching soccer to get my sports fix this summer. I was actually excited to see Vince Young play like a Special Olympian in a meaningless football game last night.

Has a lot changed in baseball over the past six years? Technically, no. But my perception of it certainly has.

As a Yankee fan, the absence of a salary cap used to be my best friend. Now, as Buzz Bissinger so eloquently said, it pisses the shit out of me. I should be happy about the Yankees going back to their farm system with solid homegrown talent like Melky Cabrera, Robinson Cano, Joba, Phil Hughes and Phil Coke. But not when they go out and buy Texeira, Burnett and Sabathia.

I absolutely loved the Tampa Bay Rays’ 2008 run. So what if I caught most of it on the morning SportsCenter highlights because I now find baseball less entertaining than C-SPAN? I still relished the fact that a team on welfare could beat out two rich, self-entitled franchises for the division and league titles. You can probably imagine my level of loathing when the Yankees responded to this embarrassment by donating $161 million to Darfur Sabathia’s stomach and another $262.5 million for Burnett and Tex.

My league fanship has decreased concordantly with the exposure of the steroids epidemic. In my book, baseball players are only a small step above golfers and NASCAR drivers when it comes to athleticism. They don’t need to be exceptional runners or jumpers; they must have enough strength to swing an object that weighs less than five pounds; they won’t ever endure a sprint longer than 360 feet. So why the fuck do these people find the need to dope more than Keith Richards?

I don’t think I’ll ever come back to baseball, and certainly not to the Yankees. The game’s become watered-down with Balco and big-bucks. It no longer deserves the “America’s Pastime” moniker. “America’s Pasttime” is Babe Ruth snorting lines, chugging beers and hitting 714 home runs. With that, there’s only one person who can save the MLB for me.

Good luck, Josh.

Sports' Nuts: Conscienceless Athletics

Mike Leach- This guy is on the lower end of the insane scale, but still in the arena of insane. Just think about his coaching style. Texas Tech throws 75 percent of the time and the quarterback doesn't dare put his hands underneath the ass of the center. Plus, If you listen to any of his interviews you'll realize he is a bit twisted in the head. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a 'breakthrough'(in his mind) that running backs are obsolete and line-up 5 receivers every down.

Kelvin Sampson- He could just be really, really, I mean really fucking dumb, but I consider it a mental problem that clouds his sense of judgment. Kelvin clearly has problems with with authority 'cuz he wasn't sanctioned once by the NCAA for violations, but twice at (get this) two different universities. At Oklahoma he was nailed with one prior to leaving, and to top it off he chalked one up at Indiana in his first year. He's that insane type that is found in most dare devils who try to flirt with danger, but usually end up face down in a pile of cement, and Sampson did it twice.

Stephon Marbury- Hellooo crazy. I mean for two straight days he didn't leave his live weblog. Two straight days, talking to a computer and verbalized so much that he lost his voice half way through. At one point he said he wanted a dollar from every person in the world. I'm not sure if he realizes the size of the world, but that type of money would dig America out of debt. He also crashed his car while vlogging and told his driver to just drive off because "It ain't nuthin but the devil." Did I also mention he has a tattoo on the side of his head?

Zack Greinke- You wouldn't think it now, considering he is pitching his way to a Cy Young, but this kid is crazy. About 3 years ago Zack, at age 20, lost his marbles. At the time he was the one and only protege for the Royals and decided "hey, i don't know if I want a cool 9 mill a year and every girl wanting to get my dick wet" and took off. I mean he literally took off. The team wasn't sure where he was. Turns out he was suffering from major anxiety, obviously, and after a few months of mental cleansing time, Greinke came back and ran through an extensive double A stint just to recover his abilities. He literally lost an entire year of his career 'cause he was confused on whether or not he wanted the best life in the world.

Terrell Owens- Terrell is one of those guys who doesn't realize the things he has done until he's retired and old. Look, the guy has ruined more teams than Zack Randolph and he still hasn't realized what he is doing. He's like the guy who kills his wife and then, right after it, realizes he overreacted. Come on TO. Plus, he tried to commit suicide too, but it was clearly a call for help from TMZ.

OJ Simpson- The man made a 'killing' when he went to his friends house to receive some of his old merchandise that was supposedly stolen from him. Knowing OJ, we all knew he would try and do it the quick and painful way. Instead of just threatening them with legal counsel, which we all know can stop a murder charge, he went with the "I'll pull a glock on you until you give it back" approach. It was successful, at least until the Vegas police got a tip through the grapevine. Now he gets to spend a decade in jail thinking about the good ol' days when he was still recognizable enough to get away with anything.

Vince Young
- "You just won the National Championship and were selected third in the NFL draft, Vince Young. What are you going to do know?" Disney World? No, thank you I will take my 9 hits of morphine and give up. He was the FUCKING rookie of the year. How can you almost commit suicide. Now your fighting for the coveted second string quarterback position. Maybe you should have just gone through with it. Sorry, that was bad.

Ugueth Urbina-This is the absolute climax of crazy. Ugi thought that as a pro baseball reliever he could do anything he wanted. And, by anything he wanted, I mean slaughter a person with a machete, which he successfully did in the Dominican Republic and earned him a cozy jail cell for life, with plenty of male suitors, and no rent. He had it all planned out.