Is the Super Bowl here yet?

Let’s pretend for a minute that I hated sports. Wholeheartedly despised them with a passion that made Rush Limbaugh seem subdued. If I had to choose between watching an entire football game or sticking my fingers in a pencil sharpener for three hours, call me Knubby McHands.

Let’s also say that last Sunday after a routine trip to the doctor’s office, I learned that my repulsion of sports had consequently given me a brain tumor, curable only by spending every waking minute watching Super Bowl coverage. With every aspect of this game meticulously analyzed by talking heads, what would I actually learn about these two teams, aside from the fact they’ll run around for three hours this Sunday and eventually one of them will go home with a giant phallic trophy? Here are the three overblown and repetitive Super Bowl subplots that  would replace the void in my brain left by the malignant growth.

Perm's Portrait: Something that rhymes with "two per goal Monday"

I've had the death flu for the last week. It's been like handing Ray Lewis a butcher's knife and having him go at you. That's how bad it's been, so obviously I have been creatively stagnant. That's alright though. Even if I am melting my cerebral cortex right now, I still have the perseverance to get you your weekly Perm's Portrait. This one has a surprising theme to it.

Tim Tebow's Super Bowl ad is pretty much what you'd expect

Here's what's great about being a blogger (aside from the constantly swarming crowds of bikini models and free cocaine): companies recognize that your influence is far greater than any mainstream medium. If not for us, Greg Oden's dong would still remain in the secrecy of his covered loins and Tiger Woods might still be playing in the Masters this April. Can you imagine a world like that? Me neither. I digress.

With the Super Bowl less than a week away, Herm's Perm was lucky enough to get its grimy little mitts on a copy of the Tebow abortion commercial. While we can't show you the actual video, here's a detailed transcription of what we saw:

NFL's statute for hand gestures

Today, the Jets head coach, and lord and savior, Rex Ryan received a little sin tax from, well, the Jets. It wasn't enough to force him to watch a MMA bout while wearing a Showtime hat. No, no it wasn't. They had to topple $50K of fine on his large ass, and just for this photo.

It was just a little middle finger for the masses. Who doesn't expect this guy to pull such a harmless hand gesture? I know I didn't. Shit, I was just unhappy with my rent going up 30 bucks for increased energy usage. I can't even imagine what Rex did to get his frustrations out from the fine.

College ROFLball - Kansas owns .... Kansas

Big games this weekend led to many upsets, as well as non upsets. Great week for basketball lovers coming up. West Virginia plays Villanova and there are more but I have no will to look them up. Just enjoy our pictures. They are so cute.