Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week DOS

Hola hombres! It's officially week two of the best sport going on right now, and guess which anti flip-flop/shorts/hat/drinking campus is going on a crack binge this week. That's right, your favorite Mormon college, BYU. Somehow misogyny has actually improved the play of athletes. Who knew this was possible (cough Shawne Merriman cough). So Ya'll (that's how you say it out there right?) get your baking soda 'cuz crack is on the main menu this week.

NFL Preview: A Permcast of Epic Proportions

By now, if you've listened to any one of the three previous permcasts, you've come to expect a level of non sequitur digressions. For a moment, imagine that level represented as a pig in space. Now, with that fantastic imagination God Tim Tebow gave you, multiply the pig's size by 100 and detonate it, disemboweling its innards all over your face. That would be an accurate representation of how fucking amazing this Permcast is. Oh, and Will "The Thrill" "Catch-22" "Insert Nickname Here" Harris is our guest. He's a full-time rapper, part time student and moonlights as a cowboy. The man's got his priorities in order.

Yeah, only the hardest of hardasses get a permcast appearance

Permcast content includes:
-The National Football League
-Will Harris rap ft. LeGarrett Blount
-Rosie O'Donnell's ability to reverse the polarization of the Earth with her massive periods
-Late night phone call to A.J. Daulerio

If that doesn't convince you, I legitimately got a hard-on just re-listening to this. It's downright titillating.

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Rafie Nadal, New Addition to the Packers?

The day's date is 9/9/09 and we became witness to some weird ass shit last night. Andy Murray lost last night to a six foot six, 20 year old Bosnian in straight sets. But the crazier shit happened with Nadal on the court. Some random New York crazy, Noam U. Aorta, found his way onto the court where he then blazed across to the scorers table and began molesting him with his mouth. Being the Spanish native that Nadal is, he was entirely happy with this outcome.

For me, it wasn't a problem. He said, ' I love you, ' and he kissed me.

This is promising for the PR guys in Madrid who have been looking for a way to masculate the view of Europe's populous throughout the world. Nadal, look, if you enjoyed it that much, there is a lovely way you can return some affection. Bail. The guy (who eerily looks like he manicured himself in Rafie's fashion) got to spend last night in jail with a chance of major jail time if convicted of the trespassing accusation. It's hard to fight a case where you were caught doing the crime on national television.....in HD.

Notice Rafie's willingness to accept his lips and then as he is rushed out Nadal, like a one night stand with Eva Mendez, chases Aorta, asking for a phone number. It's cute, if you're Perez Hilton, but everyone knows you have to drive another 2 hours north to get your chance with him. Aorta can hear the wedding bells court bell tower right now.

After 55 Years of Life, Herman Edwards, Jr. Finally Arrives in Canton

Today is a day that will not soon be forgotten:

Herman Edwards appeared in his first, of what are sure to be several historic visits to the NFL Hall of Fame.

The HOF, partnering with the ever-popular gameday beverage, beer, recognized Edwards' legendary ability to excel in the postgame press conference arena. He received an ice-carved "bust" in honor of his Press Conference Hall of Fame induction, which will surely last as long as his NFL coaching career did.

Here are the highlights from Edwards' illustrious career:

Jay Mariotti's Reporting, Word Choice a Complete Turn-Off

Several months ago, when Bill Simmons hosted Rick Reilly on his podcast clash-of-the-egomaniacal-ESPN.com-front-page-columnists, he established his stance as a dissenter of the media receiving special, superior-to-the-everyday-fan treatment.

Aside from the pre- and post-game field and press access, I completely agree. Especially after reading Jay Mariotti's opening line in his latest column about USC's opener against San Jose State.

"The afternoon sun was orgasmic, framing the Memorial Coliseum in a California daydream as the USC band played its triumphant post-game march."

Orgasmic? Well, I suppose from the shaded and air-conditioned press box, Jay's accommodations probably felt more luxurious than Megan Fox's insides.

But for the true fans, who endured three hours devoid of any shade, with the exception of a blimp shadow that occasionally passed over the side of the Coliseum opposite the student section, I can conjure only two instances in which the sun resembled and orgasm:

1. Following Joe McKnight's 50-yard TD scamper, I sprayed my nearly-full $5 water in the air like a sprinkler of skeet. Only later did I realize the metaphorical implications of the action I had just performed.

2. In the process of orgasming, the sun also spread syphilis or some other STD that causes intense burning. I forgot to wear protection. One man's pleasure is another man's...melanoma?

Jay Mariotti, however, experienced neither of these events. As a fellow member of the media (The Perm is fast-approaching Mariotti-like readership), I had the option of watching the game in the press box or in the stands. If you read my post following the game, you saw which one I chose.

Half of the live game-watching experience is the ambiance created by spending it among the thousands of fans in attendance. If Jay Mariotti experiences an orgasm from watching a game 100 in an isolated, climate-controlled sanctuary among his press peers, it might be hazardous to the players if he gets within ten feet of the gridiron/diamond/hardwood (ha!) without wearing a rubber.

Mariotti's statement is probably just a hyperbolic lapse in word choice. However, if Mariotti describes anything as orgasmic - other than Woody Paige's facial expressions - on his next Around the Horn appearance, I'll expect a hefty fine from ESPN. The Worldwide Leader is no place for inappropriate, misleading language.

Merriman Fights Alcohol Addiction

That son of a bitch just gets infuriated with the repercussions of tequila shooters. When he get's his hands around that patron bottle there's nothing stopping him. Hell, the man thinks Tequila is his girlfriend now. I know you haven't been doing a lot of calisthenics to get blood flow into the brain lately, due to injury and steroid suspension, but there is no excuse for dating inanimate objects. (Bubb opens door, "you know that it's referring to Tila Taquila right?")

Fuck, He's dating a porn star? I would feel safer sticking my dick in a Tequila bottle filled with liquid nitrogen, and chlamydia. Then again, he was risky enough to inject substances into his ass with the likelihood of shrinking his testicles. And who knows, maybe the strangling was part of the script. I mean, aren't porns usually scripted? You don't see Katherine Heigl complaining to cops about Seth Rogan's harry ass crushing her clavicle.

Ok, so maybe scripted beatings aren't so allowable these days.

Oh, Hey Ron Artest!

While enjoying my eggs benedict and admiring the abundance of Cali babes at Toast this morning, I noticed a small crowd congregating outside the restaurant. A tall black man seemed to be the center of the commotion, so I naturally assumed that it was either Denzel or Kobe.

I excused myself from the meal to investigate and, much to my dismay, discovered that it was only Ron Artest.

In all fairness, Mr. Artest seemed quite relaxed and comfortable interacting with the bystanders. When one man brought him a beverage, he showed incredible restraint by politely declining the offer. Oh, how he's matured!

If you look closely, Artest appears to be wearing a wedding band. This might explain him completely - yet so nonchalantly - denying the attempt by a thirsty groupie, as seen in this photo:

Just look at that all-pro defense! Rejected!

College-Foot-A-Palooza: Texting Thread

This whole thing began around 5:30 central time as I was walking up to Memorial Stadium, little did I know the events that would transpire would become the most horrific set of texts the world could imagine. Of course, being the non-kosher blog that we are, none of these texts were sensored in any way. They were scribed word for word on to what you see here. This could become a common theme every Sunday morning, as our drunk texts are left out in the public for all to see. Most of which make little to no sense at all. Now enjoy.


20K Sexcapade: I hope you saw the score of the ohio state game

Bubb Rubb: Nope. Too busy 3 rows back m drunk.

20K: Ok probably the wrong person or just poorly planned text. Osu almost lost to navy though

Bubb: Dezbryant niggin n gigging. I'm getting do blackout. Get pics.

Bubb: No service in the coliseum.

20K: Well unlike you guys, we are gonna score on our first drive

Bubb: beat you D1-AA team by 53 and then talk to me. Freshman qb.

Bubb: calling Todd reesing. Do you plan on throwing to day?

20K: No need. Todd is running like he's a ta for finance

20K: And we just booed some arab guy. Details later (note: there were not details later.)


Bubb: Oklahomo tied with mormons? Hm?

Bubb: Bradford throwing shoulder hurt.

Bubb: yeah. Someone actually touches him n he gets injured. Big 12=soft.

20K: No fuck that. Reesing is bouncin off niggas right and left.

Bubb: D1-aa. end of argument.

20K: Briscoe isn't playing.....And san jose st isn't any better. They're in the same conference

Bubb: Nope. Northern Colorado lost to Shawnee mission northwest in a scrimmage last weekend.

20K: well at least we didn't get down in the first quarter

Bubb: Not how you start. how you finiSCh.

20K: Sorry I couldn't hear you over kerry meier going for 71 yards

Bubb: So did tyler aka 5th string

20K: God your being difficult

Bubb: USC do what it do.

20K: well cale piack is ballin. So we good for the next 3 years

20K: And toben operum. Both are froshes. Fuck trojans I'm a free fucker

20K: Holy shiy oklahoma is gonna lose this game

Bubb: Yep. Bi 12-soft. No idea what your previous message means.

20K: it mean we have freshman ready to start next year

Rubb: Welcome to the club.

20K: when do I get the jacket?

Rubb: After a rose bowl app. I got pics up on herms perm. I expect plenty from you.

20K: Well you shouldn't. I got shit seats

Rubb: So. Blog about it. Fanmanship.

20k: Fine

20K: God our frosh running back is gettin his. 10 yards a fucking cary. Two tds. We aren't losing a game

Bubb: D. One. Double. Ay. Backups.

20K: Que?

20K: Oh wow. Kstate almost lost to umass

Bubb: MORMONS. BIG 12 SOFT.

20K: oregon.

Bubb: We beatin niggaz up. don't fuck with the PAC 10 or we'll knock you the fuck out.

20K: Cal is losing to maryland tonight. Write it down.

Bubb: I'll take that bet. Jahvid best.

20K: Is an ironic name

Bubb: So is the 'big' 12

20K: Well after tonight there will only be one team in the pac 10 that's ranked

Bubb: Cal score.

20K: Wait did the big 12 only lose one game....yes

Bubb: 1.Played 1 ranked team 2. They lost to Mormons. 3. At least half of the other wins were vs. D1-aa's

20K: Nope. Played 2 ranked teams. Osu beat GA. Handily. And pac 10 played just as shitty opponents

20K: Missou beat illinois and baylor beat wake. Go fuck you west coast gay asses

Bubb: Yeah. Cuz you think higher of Obama than you fo the big 10 n ACC combined.

20K: True. But the pac 10 didn't play anyone better.

20K: I'm turning these text threads into a story

Bubb: OK has no more respect. Ok state will eat shit? Good premonition. Put that in your fucking post. Holla.

20K: Hey. Its just one game. Plus I said that that texas and ou could fuck up. So gayyyyy

Bubb: Lsu game anyone? Vs winless Washington? Suck Sark's cock.

20K: That is not lasting. If you even think it is lasting then i will cut your ties to herms perm. And cut your penis.

Bubb: Are you watching the game? Let me kno when you're actually watching the game.

20K: I'm watching it. And my roomate just walked in and he was going to go to washington. He shit his pants nedless to say.

20K: well that lead didn't last long. 10_

20K: ,

20K: To 7

Bubb: Wash pulls this out, I want no backtalk against PAC 10 or USC.

20K: ok. But they won't. So I will back talk all night. Plus i can space my words correctly

Bubb: Backtalk is one word smartypants.

20K: not according to mac dictionary

Bubb: Steve jobs' cancer clouds his judgment

20K: Uhhhhhh jake locker. He's white? Who knew

Bubb: I've known Jake locker since his frosh year. He's no joke.

20K: yeah well if they fumble the ball every time in the red zone they will eat anal

Bubb: New blog. Suck it.

20K: Newer blog. Suck it.

Bubb: Sarah palin could make a better thesis. What the fuck does it even mean?

20K: What? I don't even know what that comment means

Bubb: My whitlock bkput post almost makes more sense.

20K: it makes total sense. Especiall when I post our argument thread

20K: I retract my statement about cal

Bubb: You make no sense about USC tailbacks.

20K your too drunk. I'm making fun reggie bush

Bubb: Yes. Make fun of Todd crackhead javanovich or whatev. While you're at it. Way relevant.

20K: This convo has officially gone off the map

Bubb: Joe mcknight is as immobile as usain bolt. No credibility.

20K: todd reesings left hamstring is as taught as a a guitar string

Bubb: That makes no sense to me. So he's gonna pull it cuz it's not loose n stretched out?

20K: We are done. This is done. I'm too tired to respond.

Bubb: I vote this entire convo be transcribed. And permd.

20K: It will. Oh boy it will.

United We Stand, Divided We Fall: Herman Edwards' Perm.

To 20k:

I did not take the time to read the transcription of our text messages. No doubt, they are endlessly laughable.

[Edit]: And holy shit they are. There's a very good chance this will become a Saturday tradition. Maybe we'll go live with it. You would be so lucky.

I did, however, read your response to my "BIG 12 IS SOFT post" and reviewed the statements. Your statements. That belong - with all due respect - alongside my archived anti-Whitlock blog in the hall of "What The Fuck Is This Incoherent, Uninterpretable, Moonshine-Induced Bullshit."

Let's discuss USC running backs' inability to move, as you so eloquently put it.
No, fuck that. "Discuss" is far too engaging. Let's screenshot some evidence:

The proof is in the pudding badass NFL prospects who've proven themselves in the one-through-five slots. We're Tailback U for a reason.

Moving on.

The only fans happy about OU's embarrassment in Arlington, or the "upset" in Dallas' stadium, are Mormons (repetitive, I know), Longorns and, of course, the BAMFs of Troy.

Shitting on OklaHOMO aside, I'm far too lazy to compare the Big 10's 11's overall schedule to the Big 12's. However, we know that KU traditionally organizes out-of-conference games against high schools. So those "easy" Big 10 wins come as frequently as those in the Big 12.

Except for the anomalies played in Jerry Jones' stadium against MORMONS. Those clearly aren't as easy.

I'm in full agreement with the sarcastic BCS statement - this will surely be a year of controversy, as is every year where teams receive sponsorship from Fiestas, Banks, Fruit or glucose insurance.

But I'm expressing complete disagreement with your hesitant statement supporting Les Miles. An Eight point win against a team that won ZERO games last year and currently employs TWO former USC assistants? That's a ballsy contradiction. Ballsy like betting Usain Bolt to beat Rodrick Stewart after his recuperative 2008 Alamo Dome knee-surgery rehab.

Let's conclude with a picture of a TRUE FRESHMAN quarterback who racked up more yards against a six-win D-1 team than a SENIOR did against a one-win D-1AA team. Did I mention the freshman's tailbacks also gained MORE yards on FEWER carries?



JESUS, I'm a douchebag.