FASA - Friday Afternoon Swig of Alcohol - Week One

It's not new, but I'm photoshop-less so screw it.

This is a sequel to last year's hit blog post. It's like Iron Man II. Much more simple, and dumbed down, but it's flashy as hell. And yes, there will be some ScarJo, as well as other good looking ladies through the weeks. Also, there will be drinking guidelines to the weekends games. I find this much more enjoyable than actually predicting stuff, cause I blow.

To begin, let me explain the rules. There will be a number before a statement. This will represent the amount of drinks you consume at the inception of the even explained. This is generally a reference to beer, but mixed drinks do work as well, and unless you're Joe Namath, probably not a good call to use hard alc. So, with only a paragraph of delay, welcome to FASA - II

FOR ALL GAMES:

1 – First downs.
4 – Touchdowns
7 – Interception

PEW. BEST THROW EVAR

 FRIDAY - 8 pm et - Arizona vs Toledo - ESPN

5 – Any reference about Arizona immigration law.

5 – Lebron James references.

3 – Talk of the Utah game from Thursday.

6 – Utah to the Pac-10 talk.

3 – Toledo makes a field goal.

FINISH A BEER – If Toledo propelles their rockets to a win.

Let me get that knot out of your shoulders.

SATURDAY - 12 pm et - Florida vs Miami (OH) - ESPN

2 – Something about Tebow. (there will be a lot).

5 – Miami (OH) scores in any way.

4 – Mention of Uban Meyer's leave or heart thing.

100 – Talk of Brandon Spikes' sex tape.

FINISH TWO BEERS – If Florida plays like tiny penis-ed people and Miami (OH) wins.

It's the unusual 69 hug.

3:30 pm et - Texas vs Rice - ESPN

4 – Colt McCoy references

3 – National championship reference

4– Gilbert is from Austin mention

7 – "Rice is overmatched" or something to that tone.

4 – Shot of an Asian Rice fan.

FINISH ONE AND A HALF BEERS – If the Owls twist the Longhorns' neck a full 360 and win. 

Poopsie Dasies

7:45 pm et - TCU vs Oregon State - ESPN

4 – Mention of loss to Boise State last year

5 – Comment on TCU's new jerseys

6 – Reference to Obama's step-brother who coaches at OSU

2 – Obligatory non-BCS school reference

4 – Heisman talk for Jacquizz Rodgers

FINISH HALF A BEER AND GO OUT AND DRINK YOUR HEART OUT – If Oregon State kind of upsets TCU.



8 pm et - North Carolina vs LSU - ABC

1 – Mentioning of a name of one of the suspended players on UNC

4 – Reference of LSU's terrible offense last year

6 – Reference to UNC basketball

3 – LSU's chances in the SEC

5 – Talk of agents and NCAA rules.

7 – The total score exceeds 30

FINISH YOUR DRINK – If someone wins. Then end you're night at a bar and or party.



SONG THAT WOULD RANK #1 IN THE BCS RANKINGS FOR THIS WEEKEND.



HERM SPERM FOR THE WEEK – SCAR JO AS PROMISED EARLIER.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - SEC

The grand finale of Preseason Partying and Bullshit ends with the best, most athletic, most talented, and most racist of them all. THE SEC. Short for non-secular of course. Because they love Jesus, and the only thing they love more than Jesus is football. And hating blacks and gays and spics and japs and wetbacks and athiests and agnostics and .... GEORGIA. FUCK 'EM. GO GATORS. YEE HAWWWW!!! (Plays washboard)

AWWWWW SHEET. MAH KNEE. SURGERY!

Tebow has left the Gators and is now pursuiting his life long dream of being a journeyman back up quarterback.

Mark Ingram has let the undeserved Heisman trophy get to his head. Getting all that attention from his knee surgery like a regular pre-madonna.

Les Miles got a shout out on True Blood last week. You know what that means? I'm gay for watching that show.


Tennessee is still pissed at Lane Kiffin, but seriously. Who would choose Knoxville over Los Angeles. If you said "I would :(" then fuck you.


Predictions

Pregame festivities at Ole Miss. GO REBELS WHOOO!

Alabama ROLLS. See what I did there. ROLL TIDE.

UFL HERE I COME. Styrofoam cups for everyone!

Florida can't keep the devil out of their soul without the help of Tebow. Urban Meyer's heart explodes as they get a third place finish. Erin Andrews cries.

South Carolina sucks cocks. middle to lower end of the league.

Georgia still misses Matty Stafford. Still suck.

LSU is better than you think because they have merged their vampire nations with Mississippi. Still referencing True Blood. Still gay.

Auburn wins some games with the FORMER HEAD COACH OF IOWA STATE AT THEIR HELM. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

Ole Miss' quaterbacking drops as Jeramiah Masoli sits out a year. They do have a rise in domestic robberies though.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Pac 10

The Pacific 10 holds the title of most uncared for conference, and rightly so. Their west coast time zone relegates all their games to 9 pm start times in the east coast. By that time, people are already drunk looking for a hookup. 9 pm football games on a Saturday night might as well be an Iranian league soccer game. Therefore, no one cares about this conference. Also, it is just assumed that USC will win the conference, and everyone knows, the human spirit feeds of intrigue, and not expectations. That's why they went out and got good old Utah for the bunch. Intrigued NOW BITCH???!?!??!?

You mean CONTINUED INDEFINITELY

Oregon has a five finger discount policy on campus.

USC athletics doesn't use a wallet. The money just sits around in their pants, and if SOMEHOW, someone finds a few dollars that isn't supposed to have those dollars....JOE MCKNIGHT I SEE YOU.

Stanford produces sex addicts. Proven fact, by Stanford researchers.

UCLA gets to play K-state this year. The battle between the two lesser important schools in their state.

Arizona's A stands for alcohol.



Predictions

GO LONG. REALLY LONG. LIKE, TO SEATTLE.

USC plays Dillon Baxter. The world jizzes over themselves. He's considered for a Heisman but gets the Adrian Peterson treatment. USC wins the conference, and doesn't go to a bowl game.

Ducks are fucking assholes.

Stanford goes to the Rose Bowl as the second place team. USC bitches about it. No one cares.

Oregon steals a game @ Stanford but gets beat by USC.

Oregon State looses to TCU and Boise State, completing the worst ever scheduled season ever. Dumb asses.

Washington and Jake Locker play well and finish third. They become depressed because they wanted first place. They then shoot themselves with a shot gun after fucking Courtney Love.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big 1T1en

I know this is supposed to be the cream of the crop of conferences. Old schools, with high prestige in many sports and academics. Hell, they are even awesome in celebration. See Michigan State U in 1999 basketball. But, we can all hate on these guys. That's be cause they are the man. And you know what they say. Lightly scratch the skin off their chin until you reach bone to the man. Or fuck the man. I like the first. Anyways, it's the last year of the Big 11 and soon to be the Big 10+2. I'll chin rape Nebraska.

Hmmm. What would Descates do here?

Ohio State last year had their chances, and yet still couldn't understand how a running black quarterback couldn't throw. Still think he should have played basketball.

Michigan has been cheating, but they can because they are the man. Although their coach is Mexican I think?

Notre Dame is still not in their league. Props to that I guess.

Iowa has the best coach in this league, because anyone that can convince someone to live in Iowa is a saint. Drew Brees could do it though.

Penn State is likes clan apparel.

Predictions

Only looks good at quarterback when photoshoped.

Ohio State get's endorsed by Kirk Herbstreit. Then in an attempt to interview Terrelle Pryor he trips and accidentally cuts Pryor's artery with his gelled hair. They finish second.

Penn State (insert old Joe Paterno joke here). Finish third.

Iowa angers all as they win every game and go to the national championship. This in no way has anything to do with the fact that I was born in Iowa.

Michigan continues to rebuild. Still can't run the spread.

Northwestern sucks, but the school newspaper has great headlines, utilizing puns.

Wisconsin eats the other teams players on home games.

Minnesota is cold. Ice fishing. Winter stuff.

Michigan State hires Larry Izzo to the head coach of the football team. They make it to the final four... again.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big East

He poops bull-ders.

The Big East is an elite conference. If you didn't get that, then you didn't see my sarcasm. What are you an idiot? You can't READ sarcasm? Fuck you. And fuck the Big East. All those schools are terrible at football. Cincinnati sucks, and they are supposed to be the good school. Allowing them a free spot in the BCS bowl season is entire bullshit. Bullshit straight from South Florida's mascot.

West Virginia will run the spread. Key word in that sentence is run.

Cincy doesn't have a coach that is good since Brian Kelly (catholic) went to Notre Lame (catholic).

Connecticut was a fluke two years ago. They were just disguised as good among Big East trash.

Pittsburg had Larry Fitzgerald. That is all.

USF, Syracuse, and Louisville are so bad that Kansas could beat them 10 out of 11 times.

Predictions

This guy leads the preseason favorites in this conference. I don't even know who this is? 

The conference will suck. I guarentee it.

Pittsburg might win 9 or 10 games or something just out of the need for there to be a winner of this conference.

OOOOOOHHH YEAH. PULL MY FACEMASK HARDER.

Cincy declines like Lebron declined an invite to the FIBA championships in Turkey. Turkey shouldn't be a country. Just an animal/meat product.

West Virginia laughs at Rich Rodriguez, then laughs at their terrible team.

Syracuse falters after having the stablizing presence of Greg Paulus removed from the team. It snows in Syracuse.

Rutgers is in Miami for the second season of Jersey Shore. They don't return. 0-12.