September 19, 2009

Aaron Corp: Pussy, Homo, Failure - Texts From Saturday

I'll concede that USC's shot at a National Championship seemed slim in the hands of a true freshman. I even expressed mild hesitance when Carroll announced that Barkley would start. But if someone told me that our championship hopes would be crushed by a quarterback with three years of collegiate experience - I'd tell you to get tested for retardation.

Yes, we fumbled thrice in the Washington territory. But Corp's performance at quarterback was disparagingly pathetic. He threw balls into double and triple coverage, as if to try and prove that he deserved to start over Barkley. His selfishness only proved that this person playing QB would have given USC a better shot of winning:

If Corp isn't cut by tomorrow, I hope he's at least behind Garrett Green on the quarterback depth chart. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck you Corp.

Here's Wilt with some positive KU news. Go choke on barbed wire, Corp.

We won. That's all. Todd Reesing whipped out his big floppy and grabbed the blue devils head and commenced to flogging. Then after all the bones were turned into mush, Todd made the devils suck it till he came, in the form of a 44 to 16 finish. Can I get a UNDEFEATED? (Bubb reaches for shotgun)

Luckily for all you readers, we transcribed our string of threads during the game put them below. Enjoy Bubbs depressed thoughts and my arrogant ones. As always, Wilt = blue and Bubb = red and these are word for word.

2:29 am-Shat is LA doing on s ku night

2:17 pm- cale pick yeahhhh

heeeeeyooooo cale pick


2:21- Stop. I'm trying to focus on the REAL game in the REAL conference.

September 18, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Semain Trois

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

For all you non french speakers, Semain Trois is french for 'week three'. Hey, look at that, it is indeed the third week of the College Football season. Like our new graphic? No? That's funny 'cuz as I look at it, all I can see is a Saturday night for Bubb Rubb, and nights with Bubb are awesome. 

Know what else is awesome? Mixing cough syrup, speed, and Hawaiian punch. It's an amazing combo for anyone looking to flirt with asphyxiation and or death. It is a memorable 18 minutes, though, while you verbally abuse your sofa and punch your blender. This concoction has other suitable uses as well, like as a metaphor for really hot football teams, like say.....the U.

Remember when I said earlier that both Florida teams in the ACC were going to blow. What I really meant was to say is that any Florida team with a racist mascot is going to blow. When I picked Georgia Tech as ACC winners, I didn't take into account the fact that Miami has a black quarterback. I don't even know what I was thinking. HE'S BLACK. We might as well Lou Holtz (jump to irrational conclusions) this one and line them up against Florida. Black man versus Jesus 2.0. That would be fun, as long as you pregame with an aerosol can.

See. He's calling for your Tebow. HE'S BLACK!

Good Googly Moogly! Herm Edwards' Perm is Afoot!

I can't properly verbalize the elation felt by the two administrators of this site. My only unsober celebratory thought is, fuck Artie Lange's publicity. Fuck that fat asshole into cardiac arrest.

A.J. Daulerio descended upon Herm Edwards' Perm like Gabriel the Angel. And his followers smote us like an angry horde of homophobes against Sookie Stackhouse (for the ignoramuses, True Blood is an allegory for homophobia. RETARDS!).

Point taken and (drunkenly) considered. Conclusion:
We will strive to improve our content. As long as you strive to improve your inevitably debilitating and, ultimately, life-ending disease.

Speaking for Wilt, all comments are welcome. Our poor grammar and occasional misspellings represent legitimate concerns that need to be addressed. Content-wise, we hardly discover new and unique news, unlike the popular athletic Weblogs of the Internetz. Our collective apologies. We are but two overwhelmed collegiate students. Time spent on reporting SHIT generally goes to the wayside.

Herm's Perm has yet to reach the level of Dan Rather-like uncoverings when it comes to sport-related events. But the contributors (Bubb and Wilt) have unique insight into the West's and Midwest's best squads' tactics. Do you want the latest on USC/Pete Carroll?

It's here.

The latest on Bill Self?

Hold your fucking horses 'til basketball season. But, it'll be here.

So, all challengers who criticize the legitimacy of the Perm because of its lack of spelling and grammar:

Thank you. With complete sincerity. If our overall sentence structure can reach standards that THE Herm Edwards would applaud, then we've done our job. Again, gracias.

This blog started with the goal of igniting Herm Edward's attention and, more importantly, his rage.

Well, shit. We're halfway there:

September 17, 2009

Herm's Perm Drinks Some Rick Reilly Haterade

I can't say I've ever disliked Rick Reilly. Because my interest initially gravitated toward Bill Simmons, I naturally sided with The Sports Guy in the top-ESPN columnist rivalry. I never boycotted Reilly's writing, just consciously ignored it. Especially if there was new Simmons material.

The light in which I viewed Reilly changed this past Tuesday, and it didn't get brighter.

As I entered Cromwell Field to watch the Trojans engage in intrasquad abuse for Competition Tuesday, I noticed a familiar face speaking with the SC Sports Information Director.

Oh, hey Rick Reilly I text in typical douchebag-boasting fashion to Wilt Stilts (by the way - quit changing your fucking name. We're big-time now). I stand about three feet to the left of the superstar writer and eavesdrop a bit on his conversation with the SID. He's cordial and engaging; he asks questions about the SID's family and gets his thoughts on the team and other headlines that day.

I follow up my text to Wilt with Should I ask him "Can I have your autograph, Mr. Simmons?" I consider the proposition and imagine two possible Reilly reactions:

Suicide NOtes: Michael Crabtree

While I was watching the Jay Leno show (PFT! Who am I kidding? I didn't watch it). While watching Phillip DeFranco, I was utterly surprised to find that Kanye was on the brink of Marilyn Monroe-ing himself. This made me think, hey Terrel Owens attempted suicide. Then i realized Vince Young got in on the self loathing as well. So, naturally I figured, what would their suicide letters look like? TO's would be a tear soaked note that just reads "HE'S MY QUARTERBACK" over and over like a page from The Grudge. No one would actually care for Vince Young's so instead of recreating their letters, why not make hypothetical letters for players who should be on the brink of inhaling a bucket of Tylenol. Today's suicide author is Mr. Crestationvegitation.

Dear Mom,

Thanks for letting me borrow your spare bedroom for the past few months while I figure my job situation out. It's been a pleasant 21 years and I was happy to have you as a mother, mainly for your apple pie, hahaha. But all jokes aside, I'm going to kill myself.

September 16, 2009

Kanye is Still on the Loose.

Yo Matt Jones, I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish tending to you meth lab, but I just wanted to say Kerry Meier is the best QB turned receiver of ALL TIME.
Yo Al, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish shitting out a football team, but I just wanted to say that Donald Sterling shits out the worst teams of ALL TIME.
Yo Yao I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish imploding your knees, but I just wanted to say that Seung-hui Cho had one of the best career enders of ALL TIME.
Yo Matt Barkley, I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish robbing the career of Aaron Corp, but I just wanted to say OJ Simpson is one of the best robbers of ALL TIME
 Yo, Tom Brady, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish tearing the souls out of Bills fans, but I just wanted to say Maryann the Maenad is the best heart ripper outer of ALL TIME.
Yo, Herm, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish arguing Sal Paolentonio, but I just wanted to say you have one of the best perms of ALL TIME.

September 14, 2009

How 'Bout Some More Live Blogging: San Diego Oakland

Someone doesn't want to go home with a loss and then have to watch the Raiders. Well lucky for you Randy, we have ourselves a nice little live blog. That way, tomorrow while your at the water cooler, you can still act knowledgeable about your former team.

Urlacher Prepares to Combat Season-Ending Injury

Nike unleashed its latest football garb in a fantastically aesthetic (as usual) commercial during the USC-Ohio State game on ESPN Saturday. The commercial featured large doses of Adrian Peterson wreaking havoc on his (predominantly caucasian) opponents. Brian Urlacher is also a Nike-sponsored spokesperson for the new "combat" line of scaly spandex. Unfortunately, the only havoc he will be wreaking will be onthe Bears payroll and on Nike's strategic ad placement:

Urlacher's injury means that the team's masseuse will likely double, as he now has a wrist to massage in addition to Jay Cutler's ego. To Nike's credit, this is far less embarrassing than Citizen's claim that Eli Manning was unstoppable, much to the disagreement of an amateur Bills' defense.

Live Chargers-Raiders blog later tonight. Tequila shots for every time Merriman appears on camera with the facial expression of wanting to choke someone. So basically every time Shawne Merriman appears on camera.

September 13, 2009

Modern Day Internet.....

Just a little fun for all you fans who were able to sit through the horrible display of "offense" I think they call it. I wouldn't know 'cuz I'm from Kansas City. That sounds distantly familiar, like back in 2003 or something. I think there was a Dick involved. Anyways, this is just a little cap for the night, our first night back to Sunday NFL football. We had ups and downs but in the end I'm winning fantasy football which means about as much as the VMA's. Kanye?! What are you doing in Law........I'm the best, and you know what, Fuck all you faggots who dont' vote for my main friend's wife. FUCK IT. Imma go listen to myself on auto-tune YE OUT. ....Ok. that was weird. Well with another day comes another two games and get ready from more of this "offense" tomorrow.

Sundy Night Football Live Blog Chicago @ Green Bay

After a rowdy 13 games to start off the '09 NFL season, both Sexcapade and Bubb are leading their respective fantasy leagues, with insane point totals. 122 on the Rubb side with all his games finished and with two receivers and a kicker to go 20K is thriving with 118. Needless to say, we are both excited for the upcoming months with great starts. I am specifically excited to see if Wes Welker and Vince Jackson can pull me up to an astonishing 150 points.

I plan on taking a shot of Gin for every point away from my goal I don't get. Robbie Gould can help my sobriety, by smashing extra points and pin pointing a few 50 yard field goals. So this is where we begin out coverage, half hour outside of a great Sunday night game, hoping that Jay Cutler has enough insulin to get him into field goal range, and then falter, while diabetic coma stunts Da Bears offense, at the 35 yard line. Remember, no more Madden, so no repetitive offensive line comments and redundant coaching anecdotes. Just friendly Chris Collinsworth action. Bubb will most likely join me somewhere between the first cheese head viewing and the 9th Brett fucking Farve reference.

PermCast: Reactions to a Victory #3 over #8

The picture says it all for Ohio State Fans. "We only have football going for us here in the Midwest and you damn Californioners come here and take that away :(" First of all, OSU is still just as bad as last years team, overrated in every position. Playing the likes of Michigan State and Northwestern your team looks good similar to the girls who hangout with the fugly friend to make her look Natalie Portman-ish. Second of all,