April 2, 2010

NCAA: the jews of the sports world

Everyone is all pissed at the NCAA today. Like really pissed. Like hatchet serial killing pissed. You know why? Because of THIS GUY.
Looks like a tool. Dresses like a tool. Probably talks like a tool, and is a fucking tool. A tool that the NCAA higher ups wield to fuck up our very nice microburst filled Friday. Nobody likes this guy. I mean come on. Just look at him. He is the definition of douche. Go ahead. Look it up.

Douche(n): A person who oozes douchiness or is named Greg Shaheen.

This Greg Shaheen is set out to destroy our innocence with the only tool this tool possesses – PR TACTICS. Ask him a question, and get ready for him to divert that shit. He's the Cole Aldrich of dodging questions. Swatting every difficult question right to the sidelines. He is a dick. Literally the definition of dick.

Dick(n): Penis or Richard or Greg Shaheen.

And what is he using his PR tactics for? Would you like it if I said evil schemes? No. No you wouldn't. THIS FUCKER. Let me tell ya. THIS FUCKER IS PRO-96. 96 teams in one tournament. That's what he wants you to accept with his arsenal of endless PR tricks.

April 1, 2010

Sooner the violations the better

YOU CAN'T AFFORD A TURNOVER! Oh wait, yeah you can.
If there is one thing the University of Oklahoma knows it's thunderstorms, but they have been making strides in other areas. One of which is the NCAA violations rule book. The leader in this advancement, Mr. Gallon. Tiny Gallon to be exact. Supposedly Tiny has been getting his "insert USC scandal player here" on.

You know you are an awesome program when you don't learn from your mistakes. I think that's the saying. OU has been on probation for the past few years thanks to Kelvin Sampson's speed dial and Rhett Bomar and his ability to fix cars without ever being in the vivacity of that car. That shit will get you a free ride to Sam Houston State.

So, moral of the story is make sure that you don't go to Oklahoma unless you are pursuing a law degree. They have plenty of opportunities for you there. Also, if you are a recruit, maybe staying away from the dark red and/or maroon teams would be a good idea. Just a thought. Fuck, even Mississippi State has some recruiting violations. This must be why John Calipari hasn't been caught sneaking his underground money pipeline to the hearts of five star athletes. Can't have violations if you are blue. Or AWESOME!

March 31, 2010

Lavin it up

Yes, sir. My penis is this tall when erected.
The newly retired sports color guy Steve Lavin just took his new job as the coach for the St. John's. Word is still out on whether the job implies child molestation, but according to Lavin, the job does imply a NCAA tournament appearence.

"Maybe I'm the Polish pope," Lavin said.

Ahh shit. Wrong quote. Hold on. (Scrambles through unstapled papers and pushes up glasses)

"If those five or six games are won, then they're in the NCAA tournament and I'm not talking to you today," Lavin said as he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pile of bullshit.

He was of course speaking of this years team that was barely above .500 in a weak Big East. He of course continued speaking about his confidence in this team.

"I think this team is so good we could make a run at not just the NCAA's, but the NBA Championship"

Lavin worked for ESPN as an analyst for the past few years after being fired from UCLA who was unhappy with his 145-78 record. Whiny fucking bitches.

"And by May I hope to have the solution to Nitrogen fuel cell cars figured out," Lavin said, "I have seen Minority Report. I got this."

March 30, 2010

Elite Eight ROFLball - One more weekend. Then nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The Final Four: now without talent!

It's the best to see mascots in real life versions. Especially that bulldog. There is no way he could beat that totally not gay Spartan. And then the Mountaineer wouldn't be able to win because you can't hit a girl. And she has a devil spike thing. The she blue devil would totally beat him with her clap slap.

As for the actually teams, congrats. You did exactly what I wanted you to do. RUIN THE RATINGS. Yeah fuck you NCAA. I saw you trying to expand to 96 teams to help get a few extra dollars in your new TV deal. You guys are assholes. 96 teams would just up the upsets, and no one likes Northern Iowa upsets of Kansas. NO ONE.

This also takes all the fun of watching talented players. This years best player in the Final Four: Gordon Hayward? Maybe? Jon Scheyer?

This is stupendously bad. But at least the Wildcats were booted. Both of them.

Whatever. I'll be fine with Butler winning so I can make a championship photoshop with a bulldog wearing sunglasses, because he's too fucking cool for away Final Four games.

March 28, 2010

Drinking games - Elite 8 (2)

Oh it appears I miss judged the NCAA's always fluctuating schedule for the elite eight games. Why do these games start so early? Fucking Jesus is still having sermon. You guys are assholes. Anyways, since it's Sunday, drinking games must be done with Fanzia in a Diet Coke can.

Half way through the Michigan State and Tennessee game and you need to get drunk fast, therefore, you drink for underdog two pointer and drink for every foul.

Also, drink when Mercedes employs Mad Men's Jon Hamm to do the voiceover for their downtown Manhattan cars.


– Korey Lucious balls up (to your judgement) = take 3 drinks
– Wayne Chism goes into BEAST MODE and takes off his headband = take 6 drinks
–Brian Williams gets an offensive rebound = 2 drinks
–Mentioning of the 5 or 6 vs the 5 seed in the final four = 4 drinks
–Michigan State losses and Tennessee makes Lane Kiffin jealous = shot gun your can of Franzia

DUKE VS BAYLOR - 5:05 est

LaceDarius Dunn lives up to his first two names by being an effing badass = 3 drinks
Tweety Carter makes a three or assists on the three = 2 drinks
Duke acts gay = drink at discretion
Jon Scheyer looks like Mculley Culkin = 1 drink
Kyle Singler sings about "ler" = 1 million hits of oxy codone
Coach K makes another final four = KILL YOUR SELF
Baylor competes their destiny and makes this the most bullshit tournament in history = drink til your hearts content