November 7, 2009

John Calipari's Daughter Still Can't Evade Stalker

Erin Calipari, the lesser of the two Calipari daughters (as seen in the picture to the right), continues to experience a mysterious email invasion. She updated her Facebook status a few weeks back in an initial attempt to convince the person to cease and desist. A few days ago, Erin reiterated her message with a hint of sarcasm and I'm-funny-because-John-Calipari-is-my-father wit.

November 6, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 10/ Exhibition

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
I have almost no idea what happened last weekend in college football. I was stranded in domestic corn fields, hunting, and shooting absolutely nothing. Also, when you reside in Iowa, dish reception becomes extremely sketchy and the only game that comes in is the Iowa vs Indiana game. So, as an even more uneducated football writer, I will try to complete some predictions without horribly misconstruing the facts, but most likely with construe some facts any way just for shits and gigs.

Did You Just Say Dick Vitale Writes?

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's article: Le Moyne Stuns Syracuse in Exhibition

Bold = Dick Vitale
Italics = Wilt Stilts 

November 5, 2009

Leave Tom Cable Alone!

(Wilt Editor's Note: Bubb has always been a commander of the woman's equal rights movement. He is actively pursuing a degree in womens history with a minor in gynecology. He also has uses maxi pads daily, so don't label Bubb as a sexist. If anything you should be promoting this devotion.)

It's not enough that Tom Cable is stuck coaching a team that is the brunt of one-third of every NFL franchise joke (Browns, Redskins), and must educate a quarterback whose intellect would be complimented if called imbecilic. No, his world hasn't achieved an acceptable level of misery yet. Now, the coach is being ridiculed by the National Organization of Women (NOW), who want him ousted from his position.

Let's pause for a minute and appreciate that a group of woman organizers is called NOW. Women demanding immediacy?? Whodathunkit!

Twitter Feed Cements 2009: Year of the Front-Running Douchebag

As if all the douchebaggery wasn't apparent in the photos floating around the various news outlets today, lo and behold, we have our douchebag du jour firing up his Twitter feed.

Is this guy anyone important? No. Does crude stuff like this happen on the internet all the time? Yes. But let this serve as a reminder that this is what we all have to look forward to until next October. Further more, the front-running asshats of the world have had quite the year.

Hopefully, this doesn't cast a cloud over the prospect of having an enjoyable 2010. Wait, they are talking about WHO for an MVP?


November 4, 2009

Wrapping Up the Tim Floyd Saga

If you watched sports today, you might have observed that Tim Floyd was peppered  in among the bland (HAHA! Food wordplay!) and excessive coverage of World Series game six. Three cheers for the unofficial start of NCAA Basketball season!

It's been quite a ride here for the proprietors of the Perm. We'd like to conclude this epic day with a recap of the World Wide Leader's dedicated attention to our discovery, as well as give a few deserving shout-outs to those who made this video devour the Internetz like Kelly Clarkson in a buffet line. But first, another screen-grab:

Mr. Floyd, at one point, was perched atop the most popular search topics in all the land. And as it was so eloquently put by our newest member, number 908: "FUCK BIG BIRD."I'm sure that Tim is proud that he topped a list that also included a man fucking a horse.

Herm Rolling in Fly Kicks

I have spent the entire day reliving episodes of morning Sportcenter, and even though it is a live show every time, it still finds a way to be less interesting with every viewing. What doesn't get uninteresting are the antics of our man Herm. He's so light spirited. If I didn't know any better, I would think he kisses babies for a living. Herman is just smiles 100 percent of the time.

This isn't a new thing to most, though. Everyone knows of his friendly demeanor and exciting vocal tones, but what I didn't know was his love of Argyle.

November 3, 2009

Shocked Kokinis: "I Worked For The Browns?"

Former Cleveland Browns general manager fired amid speculation of abuse of office phone, Golgo 13 addiction, and interstate prostitution

BEREA, Ohio -- In an eventful press conference early Wednesday afternoon at the Cleveland Browns training facility, dismissed former Cleveland Browns general manager George Kokinis addressed the media for the first time, expressing shock not only at his dismissal, but at his employment by the Browns, as well.

"When LernWorm [Cleveland owner Randy Lerner] brought me out here, I thought it was just to help FingerMang [Browns head coach Eric Mangini] get laid," a candid Kokinis explained.  "I had no idea I was actually working for these guys."

When did ESPN Hire Larry Johnson?

I don't remember David Stern adding an adjective to the the Memphis organization, but I guess the Grizzlies are now Gay bears. I always wondered why they chose teal blue for their main color. This explains a lot, but doesn't explain why Gooden's slur is a controversy and Memphis being the Gay Grizzlies isn't. You know what isn't a controversy, though? Handing out Care Bears to the first 30k attendees.

Let's Start the Insanity: Introducing Number 908 to the Family Permtree

The kids have made friends in the neighborhood. 

And when you are a loner like me, you need all the friends you can get. Despite my first objections to writing for a blog seemingly dedicated to the semen of Joe Pisarcik's worst nightmare, I have oh, so longed to join the prosperous and lucrative world of sports blogging. Like any self-serving weasel, I can see these guys are my ticket to hangin' with the cool kids. I've been told that nothing drops the panties quicker than lines like, "Hey sweetie, did you see my jumped 50 spots this week?" Or something like that.

So through some networking, (I don't see ANY OTHER WAY you could start blogging unless you know someone), Bubb Rubb and Will Stilts have graciously given me a set of keys to their bachelor pad. I will either a) pimp this shit out and get our asses on MTV cribs or b) bring this thing down in an epic, Michael Bay-esque ball of flames (but not before letting them know how I feel about their couch).

I am Number 908. Why? Because unlike the founding fathers of this site, "I be cakn patna." Ol' Nine-oh-eight has a job that might not agree with a constant stream of page views being logged due to dick jokes and pictures of chesticles. So his identity won't be revealed until someone catches him at his drunkest, and we will duplicate scenes already played out across the interwebz. The moniker, like so many others, is in fact a not-that-hard-to-figure-out TV show joke. I will leave it to you jackals to figure out.
What will I bring to the table? You mean besides the aformentioned tit pics?  Article XII of the Sports Blogging Constitution states that a sports blog MUST contain at least one writer who will continue to shove east coast bias down the masses throat. After all, these guys think Jameer Owens is the shortstop of the Phillies. As any Philadelphia fan will tell you, that offense is punishable by death in front of the cheesesteak stand. 

So dear and loyal readers, in the times when you don't feel like wasting hours looking for Taylor Rain's new leaked DVD, I will be here scouring the sports world and bringing you the latest in delicious, delicious sports Schadenfreude.

I, number 908, swear by oath to split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Or more like 100% the opposite. 

Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong.

November 2, 2009

Tim Floyd: The Tom Cable Antithesis

While the economy may have improved since it fully tanked in March, times are still tough. Former USC basketball coach Tim Floyd has been unemployed since his resignation in early June. So, like any logical, financially adept individual, Floyd is trying to generate revenue at a casino. As an added bonus, he's also breaking up fights between fat hookers fighting over a Big Mac. All in a day's work. Ah, yes. You probably want the video evidence:

Chris Johnson Video Tribute

Ah, good ole' fashioned 1920's racism, that was probably lyrically written from the exploits of Chris Johnson. Let's break down Johnson's Sunday afternoon. 24 carries, 228 yards, 2 touchdowns, 2 dicks. That's right. TWO DICKS. How else can a man create such a stat line and be melded in the form of a normal human man.